It's Getting Worse...How do You guys cope?

[reyna54]

TW for SI and disordered eating.

Hi guys, it's been a while since I've been on here. For a while there I was doing pretty well. I felt healed and healthy, but lately I have been having a really hard time. I think this may be because I started a new job that requires me to sleep way less and work a lot. The job is not fulfilling and the boss reminds me a lot of my abuser.
Anyways, ever since I began this new job I have been having panic attacks like twice a week and have been engaging in self harm and have had a ton of SI nearly daily. It feels as if this is a never ending cycle since I can't sleep due to my anxiety and then get more anxious the next day when I am tired.
Do any of you guys relate to self harming with scratching, hair pulling or vomiting? It has been so bad that I have bald spots on my eyelids where I have been pulling out my eyelashes and I have various spots all over my body from rapid scratching. It has never been this bad before so I don't know what to do as far as coping mechanisms.
I can't go to therapy bc my work schedule doesn't allow it and i'm beginning to feel so hopeless.
Any advice or personal coping mechanisms you all use is so appreciated.
TIA

[Blueberry]

Hi Reyna,

I pull out my hair and my eyelashes. I don't have bald spots atm but have in the past. I eat too much, but I don't vomit.

Coping mechanisms: that's a tough one. At night I used to wear socks on my hands so I couldn't pull hair out while falling asleep or waking up. I've also kept an SI journal to trace when and why I do it, what the triggers are. That helped a bit. Sometimes I was able to leave a situation when I was getting too anxious so that I didn't in the end pull my hair out.

I've been helped the most with therapy. But I still pull out my hair at least once daily. I'm better able to stop once i start and don't sit there pulling out hair after hair after hair.

If you can't go to therapy, well, I know there are other people on here who come a lot to make up for not having therapy.

[Dee]

I scratch, not too badly.  I have vomited.  I've been good for a few weeks.  For me, when stress is high, the symptoms are worse.  I try to keep stress down, which I can see is a huge problem for you.  It's also a problem for me and it has been high lately.  I try healthy outlets, drawing, writing, coloring, non-depressing music.

I occasionally feel hopeless.  It sounds like you need support.  We are here, but is there anything outside of your schedule that you can do?  Therapy or another outlet?  I have taken art classes in the past (even though I have zero talent).  They have day and evening ones.  That really helped me, I call it ceramics therapy.

[suzannedamage]

Sounds like you need support now.  there must be therapists that would do phone conssultaions to fit in around your work schedule?   You need help and practical support. Are there any support groups in your area?   I have found doing minfulness practice has helped loads.  After not being able to grasp what mindfulness is for years a book by Ruby Wax, mindfulness for the frazzled, explained about the brains responses and gave simple instructions.  For me it has given a tool to cope better when it's all getting on top.  Can you find another job that isn't stressing you so much?

I was a nurse for 25 years, only now with hindsight I can see I was compounding and adding to my trauma.  Trouble was with my unknown mental illness I didn't have the capacity to see I was in the wrong profession for the wrong reasons.
my symptoms of picking and hair pulling I tried to curtail by having a leather tie shoestring bracelet that I picked at instead, didn't get the pain response and relief but kept the picking fingernails busy.  I have seen a similar coping strategy with an elastic band on the wrist that can be pulled and picked at, gives the picking fingers something to do and a slight pain response to calm the brain without damaging yourself.

The eating and vomiting...well.  The only way I cracked that was for months having nothing in the house that wasn't healthy, tons of fruit etc.   I'd still binge but as I only had good stuff to binge on after the fact when I wanted to purge I would talk to myself listing all the good stuff I'd eaten.  By the time I'd done that the need had lessened and I also felt better for knowing I'd actually treated my body to some good stuff.

It's only just occurring to me that this pain type of self abuse aswell as the self abuse and dopamine releases  could be the brain trying to stop the stress response.  Mindfulness is about switching off our flight or fight response which is on all of the time.  By focusing on a sensation we move our brain away from the flight ot fight system.  Stimulating pain in an area makes you focus on the sensations in that area therefore has a calming effect.  There will be a tool out there that suits you that could replace the damaging coping strategies your brain currently has.  Keep on looking till you find the key.  Know you are not alone, you have a tribe out there rooting for you.

I hope you get the help you need.  Breathe and know it will get better.

Let me know if you find anything helpful out there, always looking for helpful resources!

Love to you x x

[California Dreaming]

Hi reyna54 One of the worst feelings that I experience is feeling trapped. It usually starts with internal rage and ends in hopelessness. It is fertile ground for my inner critic. It also ramps up my SI. It helps me to start with the awareness that is how I am feeling. Of course, I am not you and do not know what you are feeling. I am sharing what came up for me when reading your post. It may or may not resonate.

I have learned to ask myself the question, "Do I need to change how I feel about my situation or change my situation?" This helps me to gain some elevation. If I determine that I need to change my situation, I usually am terrified at first, then I start working on changing my situation. If I determine that I need to change how I feel about my situation, I go within and work out what that looks like for me.

[California Dreaming]

**TW sexual abuse and SI/SA
When I woke up this morning I had a memory that was triggered by my post. In 2013 through the beginning of 2015 I was working for one of my abusers, my brother. He sexually abused me from 8 to 12 years of age. I needed a job and reached out to him at 47. He hired me as a subcontractor. Things were okay at first; however, in the winter of 2014 he significantly cut my pay with no explanation. At that point, I realized that he was abusing me again. It is extremely painful to write this. Combined with two other significant events in late 2014 and early 2015, I acted on my 30+ years of SI. I did everything but pull the trigger because I passed out from alcohol intoxication. I don't know the extent to which your boss triggers you, but your symptoms strike me as very significant. Anyway, I wanted to provide you with some background to my previous post because my memory was "jogged."

[sanmagic7]

here's a hug of support       reyna.  i hope you keep coming here until there's a possibility of getting into therapy.  this place has helped me a lot.  best to you.

[Pilgrim]

So sorry to hear. Get out of that job! Wishing you all the best.

[Sceal]

Hi!
I'm with Pilgrim, if you can - quit this new job. Your health, and your progress in healing is not worth any job that increases your self harm, prevents you from being able to seek help, and is increasing your trauma and it's lasting effects.
You are going through a difficult time now, and I'm very sorry to hear that. Until you are able to make a desicion on how to move forward, are you able to make one thing a day good for you?
Such as the healing porch? watch something cute and nice or funny on tv/internet? text a friend? take a long bath/shower? just something that will make your day better and more manageable?