Fell in love with an amazing girl with CPTSD

[RunningMan]

Hey everyone!

I recently starting dating a beautiful and amazing woman with CPTSD. We started talking on January 28th, and officially started an exclusive relationship on February 14th. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life before. It was essentially love at first sight. She's perfect for me, and if soul mates are real she's mine.

Throughout the entirety of the initial courtship phase she made very clear the fact that she suffers from CPTSD and the fact that dating her would be a challenge. She's never once downplayed or minimized the issues that she deals with. I said then, and still believe now, that doesn't matter. I've got this.

I took the condition lightly when we first started dating (even though she never once gave me any indication that I should) and since then we've encountered a few situations that really made me understand that I was unprepared. Since coming to that realization I've spent hours studying CPTSD. I've read books, and I'm here on OOTS and on the CPTSD Reddit daily reading through posts from people living with the condition just to gain more and more understanding so I can be as supportive as I can.

I really appreciate this forum being open, and I guess what I'm looking for is more advice on ways I can better prepare myself to support and care for her. I haven't found any specific forum for partners of people with CPTSD, and very little specific literature on the subject of the partner perspective.

Is there a community based around learning to better support your CPTSD partner? As of now I feel I've learned a ton and become much better equipped just by reading forums and literature from the perspective of the trauma victim. 

Even if there's not another forum, I'll continue to visit daily and soak up as much information as I can. I just love her so much and she deserves someone who has as many tools as possible to assist her in her covery.

-RM

[kdke]

I guess just speaking from my own experience, there are three things that I feel really need to be reiterated when I'm interacting with loved ones:

My behaviors are the result of my trauma(s)
This is probably a distinction I try to make whenever my loved ones are confronted with my difficult behaviors, such as anger, paranoia, major depression, anxiety, and isolation. It can be very hard for them to watch and they are all the result of my cPTSD.

Don't take it personally
This definitely relates to my first point: my reactions to those I trust and love usually have nothing to do with them as people, but everything to do with how I was traumatized. This distinction is also very difficult for others to remember; if I were to go off on someone, sometimes I get faced with, "Get over yourself! What do you want from me?!" Which is an understandable response, but it also takes things out of perspective and puts everyone even further on the defense or offense. More often than not, it's never really about them, and the only person who can do anything about it is me.

Patience
If you love this girl, you have to have patience. You have to have resilience. You have to be strong. Just always remember why she might react the way she does; it is not a reflection of her genuine love for you.

Best wishes to you both.

[Contessa]

Apologies for the rudeness, but you sound exactly like an ex of mine. Recent ex. Made similar superlative comments to me until he "jived" with someone else at the same time as you.
Please just tell me you're not him.

[RunningMan]

I don't feel like you're being rude. I can promise you I'm not him.

I appreciate the feedback, Cadie. It was very helpful!

[SE7]

@RunningMan, I can only speak for myself in answer to your question. I am not officially diagnosed with CPTSD, but I now clearly know I have it, as I was raised by two narcissists (one who is borderline with narc. traits - they are both also undiagnosed - but ...)

The greatest quality a partner of CPTSD can have is flexibility. CPTSD with the emotional flashbacks brings on a range of cycles of emotions - we can be empowered one day, and hiding in a room the next. That's at least what I go through.

I do not deal well with pressure from people, ever. I have a lot of issues with control & power due to being psychologically manipulated by narcs. I characterize this issue like pathways in my brain that are twisted or crossed. I won't react the way a regular person will react to certain things. For example, the more you pressure me to do something, the more I will resist. However, if I'm the one who feels in control, then I might very likely proceed with the very same action on my own. The minute you press or prompt me, I'm headed for the hills. So someone has to understand this about me and if they're flexible with it, we're fine. I go through many days, weeks, months where I have to "ramp up" in order to face some type of life task or situation - I find certain things stressful and need time to build up to it, push through it, then come down from it during a recovery phase. "Just do it" doesn't work for me.

Don't tell someone with CPTSD "oh you're being too sensitive" or "you need to do this, this and this ..." - it devalues the very real emotional flashbacks we go through (and in my case, this is exactly what the narcissist/borderline in my life did to me to cause the damage in the first place). Acceptance of our cycles is critical to getting along well with us. I deal with someone best who simply understands, accepts and doesn't pressure me or dump advice on me every minute (unless I ask for it).

And I agree esp. with that first point from Cadie - our behaviors are very varied, and look like a million different disorders - anxiety, depression, codependency, etc. These are all just symptoms originating from the broken foundation caused by our trauma, abuse, manipulation or neglect. We are injured, not mentally ill or crazy. We are operating in one or more of the 4 trauma responses at any given time if we are triggered. The best education on this I'm finding is Pete Walker's book which I have only just begun reading myself but instantly resonated with.

Above all, just let us go through what we're going through (this might be total dissociation, or very intense emotions). It usually does pass, but if it doesn't, it is okay to gently suggest seeking help but ultimately that has to come from the person themselves.