Stay or go? Deeply frustrated.

VeryFoggy · February 11, 2015, 02:00:37 AM

You are so welcome Voiceless and do know that writing this stuff out helps clarify things for me in my own mind. So I am glad it helped you! But please know that facing things like this, and thinking about them helps me in my own relationship too. So thank you too for making me stop and think!

voicelessagony2 · February 11, 2015, 06:18:01 PM

Update:

Things are improving a little, I think.

Yesterday I read Pete Walker's article, "Shrinking the Outer Critic in Complex PTSD" and every single paragraph was like, hitting another mark, exactly. I have been so preoccupied with paying attention to, and battling my inner critic, that I have not given much thought to my outer critic. But, here's what happened yesterday:

R comes home from work, and talked about his day for a while, and eventually he asked if we have any groceries. I told him I didn't go to the store, and we have almost nothing to eat in the house. He asked why I didn't go, and I said the card you gave me needs to be activated. He asked why I didn't just activate it, and I explained that I tried & I can't because I need the last 4 of his social.

So, I can tell he's annoyed, and I'm feeling REALLY defensive, and he asked me, "why didn't you just text me & ask for my social?" and I said, "I dunno, I guess I thought you would be home a lot earlier than this, plus, you never respond to my texts anyway, so..."

Then he gets really upset, and says something like, "I really resent you throwing that in my face. I've been trying really hard to improve in that specific thing, and I have been getting better. Haven't I been texting you several times a week lately?"

I knew he was right, and he has been getting better, but I refused to respond, and just continued doing stuff on my computer. Then he got even more aggravated and demanded why I wasn't responding to him.

I thought to myself, what a double standard. When my feelings get hurt, he gets mad at me. When his feelings get hurt, boy we better get it all sorted out immediately.

Well, we eventually got it sorted out, and I think my outer critic was at least partially to blame there. I do hang onto resentment, and I do tend to behave passive-aggressively, and regardless how justified some of my past complaints might have been, they really were not relevant to the moment, last night.

So, I realized that I was hijacking this moment of vulnerability and trying to use it to vent some pent up resentment, and that was not a very healthy reaction.

I'm so glad now, that I have real feelings of love for him, and Valentine's day is coming up! I want to make him cookies!

Also, he was very impressed that I made a spreadsheet & printed it out, with price comparisons of different grocery stores. He gave me the credit card back with full permission to not worry so much about the spending limit, since it's been a while since the last shopping trip & we are out of so much stuff.

Milarepa · February 11, 2015, 08:53:11 PM

I'd recommend you read Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. http://www.amazon.com/Controlling-People-Recognize-Understand-Control/dp/158062569X

What "R" is doing to you is super invalidating. He's trying to tell you who you are instead of listening to who you actually are. That's the sign of someone who is attempting to control you.

voicelessagony2 · February 13, 2015, 10:28:38 PM

Milarepa,

Funny, I don't think of him as "controlling", but just the other day, I was staring blankly at him while he was going on and on and on about exactly how to do something, and the word "micromanager" popped into my head. What's the difference? I don't know, I guess there really is no difference!

I guess I usually don't let it bother me, I don't give it much thought actually. I just tune it out. I guess I hope someday he will realize that I'm not sitting there taking notes, and I'm not jumping out of my chair to do exactly (or even remotely) what he says, so he might as well just save his energy.

It's definitely an issue, but it's not top priority right now. It will have to be addressed later, when I have a stronger backbone.

VeryFoggy · February 14, 2015, 02:08:53 AM

Milarepa - Thanks for the book recommendation! Wow! I bought it immediately after I read your post, and feel like light bulbs are flashing all around me! It's amazing! THIS explains so many weird feelings I have with people! My son, my roommate, my Ndad, a couple of old bosses. YES!

They construct you from the outside in! Instead of asking you who and what you are, they make you up, and start trying to dictate how you feel, and who you are. I'm only a few chapters in and I am just amazed! Thank you!

schrödinger's cat · February 14, 2015, 08:29:30 AM

VeryFoggy - when I read what you wrote about how controlling people make you up, I put the book on my books-to-buy list too. I've never seen it like that before. But of course, that's it, that's what's happened. It explains a lot. So thanks for the recommendation, Milarepa.

marycontrary · February 14, 2015, 11:00:03 AM

Mila, THANKS for the recommendation....good stuff!!!

voicelessagony2 · February 20, 2015, 11:43:26 PM

Quote from: Milarepa on February 11, 2015, 08:53:11 PM

What "R" is doing to you is super invalidating. He's trying to tell you who you are instead of listening to who you actually are. That's the sign of someone who is attempting to control you.

I just read all these posts again today, and my last reply seems so... flippant... now that I look at it again.

Geez I never know who is driving at any given moment. I looked back at some old blog posts too, today, and I deleted a bunch of them because they were so f*ing chirpy, squeaky, saccharine... insincere. Of course, I sort of remember writing them, and I know I did not realize how totally insincere they seemed at the time, obviously, or I never would have published them.

But this control thing with R is ... it's there. I saw it again last night, and we had a strangely deep conversation about how we communicate with each other. I say strangely, because I didn't end up feeling like we resolved anything, but just the fact that we talked about it was encouraging. He really is completely blind to his micromanaging tendencies. He thinks he is being "helpful." He seemed open to hear my opinion about his helpfulness, but I really truly could not think of a way to explain it to him.

Here's the story: the heating element in the oven stopped working a couple weeks ago. I knew it was broken because for example, I made brownies, and the package said to bake for 45 min, and it took nearly 2 hours for them to bake, and the tops burnt because ALL the heat was coming from the top heating element. So to verify, the next day I turned on the oven for a minute, long enough to start warming, and touched the bottom element and it was cold.

I got online with the model number, etc., and found replacement parts, took the broken element out, and actually avoided telling him for a couple of days because I KNEW he would jump in and get all micro managy about it, and question whether the oven was even broken, and tell me I was probably using it wrong. So I told him last night, and my prediction happened EXACTLY as I thought.

It was not good. He picked up on my reluctance to talk about it, but he assumed it was because I had not done my research. I already had a local repair shop give me a quote and they could have the part in one day, but he found a cheaper one online, so I was more wrong.

Then, like I said, we talked about why this conversation was so damn difficult, but I was overwhelmed and had to change the topic.

I couldn't imagine having him as a boss! I would quit!