Bit of a breakthrough

[Blueberry]

As I mentioned somewhere else on here, I'm considering applying for a P/T job. Yesterday I asked at the farm for an honest opinion at what they could put in a recommendation for me. So I was explaining what I needed it for and then also explained in my unfortunate JADE fashion (Justify, Argue...Explain  see OutOfTheFog for further info) that I could never do a real P/T job at the farm because I can't even drive a car never mind the market van or a tractor.

So the one I was speaking to said that actually when their present P/T employee retires they need somebody to make the two products he does, not drive the market van. And he didn't say "Blueberry, you're right, no way could you do this!" He even looked momentarily taken aback at my remark of "I couldn't do a real job, couldn't really be employed by you guys." As in, I'm OK for volunteer / paid-in-kind work but not real work.

While I was doing my afternoon slightly meditative work there, I got to thinking. Maybe I really could do that job? Just because their P/T employee always does one of the markets doesn't apparently mean that his replacement would need to. Things can change, and things do change at this farm. I've done work on and off or else just visited as customers can for 20 years and I've noticed changes. 

I note it's really hard for me to put this breakthrough into words, even harder to write it down. Once it's written down, it's fragile. Somebody could come and destroy or ridicule it. Not that FOO is on here (B1 is passing through my mind rn) but good to know what the underlying fear is. And of course I know that nobody on here would act that way. But the cognitive knowing doesn't erase the long-standing fear brought about by years of FOO ridcule and put-downs.

A couple of weeks ago in therapy I worked on my fear of / reluctance to change my printer cartridge and the underlying issues with even minor manual tasks. It's not a problem of physical dexterity or any kind of physical issue, it's psychological. It's usually about something a little bit technical that I need to do with my hands. I just block. I end up not being able to do it. Often. If I do manage it, it's brilliant. I praise myself and a whole host of Inner Children! My printer is still signalling that the ink is about to run out, but it hasn't yet, so I haven't needed to change. But I can feel how the anxiety has got less just since yesterday. So it seems connected to this idea that maybe I could work at the farm after all, as a normal employee. Why connected? Working at the farm in place of the P/T employee would involve some slightly technical manual work that was an unsurmountable barrier until yesterday. Now I'm thinking - maybe I could?!

The automatic internalised FOO response of 'no way! Blueberry couldn't do that because she is too dumb, too impractical, she is lacking this skill and that qualification' is at least reduced all of a sudden!  It's not just because of the reaction of one of the farmers, it's because things have been moving internally, things have been progressing. 

[Three Roses]

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3Roses especially for even reading  It's a long post. Mine often are.

[Blueberry]

I'm making more progress with this topic! Yesterday I asked the guy i work with who'll be retiring in a year. He was really excited and positive about the idea, and started teaching me odd things i'd need to learn, and offering other help like books for me to learn the theory, but also ideas or 'inside knowledge' from the farm on how to apply or who exactly to speak to further.  Lots going on again internally! Feels exciting, good, a little yikes! too.

I also have a number of things to research like whether the farm as a business could get some sort of financial incentive from one of two institutions to employ somebody like me who is difficult to re-integrate on the normal job market. There are provisions for that kind of thing in my country. I am now hard to employ due to CPTSD and comorbidities. That is a realistic view of my employability. I'm not seeing things too black.

[Dee]

Congratulations!  It is a breakthrough and worth celebrating.  AND you are moving forward with it, that's great!

[Blueberry]

Thanks Dee!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Brilliant blueberry just so good to hear..
We are better than we were led to believe much better

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Boatssetsailrose and DR 

[Blueberry]

Discussed further with the farm. Not as easy to officially employ me for reasons I hadn't even considered. The possible reasons I had considered weren't so important. It's good to be discussing and ruminating, because I do want to get back into the normal working world as a P/T employee and not just a freelancer (I can only do my professional work as a freelancer).

I was thinking before I spoke to the farm again that I'm a loyal worker/employee. It's true. Not only do I speak positively of my place of employment or in this case of the farm but I put in my life's energy. Too much sometimes too. So it's another bit of a breakthrough to say NTS: Caution - don't give too much. Don't work yourself to the bone for a job that's unofficial and which pays-in-kind.

I also spoke to the wife of the man I work with and heard her perspective, some of it btl on how farm treats him, some of which confirms this NTS. I had been wondering before I discussed with the farm, if it might be better to look for a job elsewhere and always have the farm to go up to occasionally when I have time to do a bit and want to.

However, I'm moving forwards with this topic and that's good!

[Blueberry]

I was thinking before I spoke to the farm again that I'm a loyal worker/employee. It's true. Not only do I speak positively of my place of employment or in this case of the farm but I put in my life's energy. Too much sometimes too. So it's another bit of a breakthrough to say NTS: Caution - don't give too much. Don't work yourself to the bone for a job that's unofficial and which pays-in-kind.

Today during my slightly meditative work, it occurred to me that I was proud of my older brother and was loyal to him in my speech, the way I spoke about him at school when I was a kid. Though he treated me badly ('like dirt' comes to mind). I don't think I'm badly treated at the farm  but possibly because I'm not a real employee. The pay is certainly bad for their real employee, as it would be for me if I were to accepted into his position when he retires.

Today I intended to go up to the farm in the morning, but didn't go until afternoon after all. It doesn't matter exactly when I do the slightly meditative work so not a problem, but I note that some part of me isn't allowing so much energy for farm work when there is no realistic chance of getting a 'real job' there. I did wonder to myself what would happen if they turned my plan down. Well, I haven't fallen as far as I thought I might (Yay! Sign of resilience!).

Other people would probably manage to compartmentalise. I don't. But I know and my T agrees that one of the most important things I'm doing atm is still taking the time to work on all that stuff that's coming up because if I don't deal with it, it will continue to come up as exhaustion, illness, aches and pains, internally out-of-control emotions, addictions, SH etc etc. I said quite a while ago I want to be done 'once and for all'. Idk if that's actually possible but when I said that it seemed to be what clinched it for my T in applying for me to get my final block of 20 sessions.

[Blueberry]

A further breakthrough today: I tried out a very P/T job where I'm doing physical work but less demanding than at the farm. It's not very difficult or complex but nonetheless new and the employers on the verge of breakdown (that's why they need someone). The explanation was really not very good even a bit  but I just got going, trial and error. My ICr was amazingly quiet. Usually when I work there's non-stop commentary about being too slow and all sorts of other negative stuff. Today: nothing. In fact I felt I was working quite quickly and energetically.

The second breakthrough (beyond ICr being silent) was that I didn't give up before I started. On the day I was actually meant to start, I couldn't figure out if I was ill or not, so phoned to say I was because I couldn't face the bike ride out there. Also it did somehow all feel 'too much': new type of job, new employers, how are these employers going to treat me (me and my CPTSD). Then I was meant to start this Tuesday and couldn't and felt bad about that. But I did phone again, make an appointment for today and then go. Not so long ago, I wouldn't have persevered. I would have felt too ashamed and too awkward, too idk what all else.

This is me beginning to get over childhood reactions where it was 'yes' or 'no' with no possibly to try and influence an outcome or the conditions. The crux of being a victim I guess, which means I'm moving out of victim, repressed, status and into a position where I can act, decide, do!  This is huge! I'm realising that while I write.

A long time ago in therapy - 15 years ago - I drew a picture of myself without hands. My arms ended very clearly at the wrist, and I had wanted to draw my arms and shoulders in such a way that I would have looked like a marionette but the  therapist interrupted me to 'show me how' to draw neck, shoulders, arms. The picture would have been much more telling the way my impulse had been to draw. But now instead of having 'useless arms and even more useless hands dangling on strings' and needing somebody else to direct everything and then emotionally/verbally abuse me about being 'too stupid' to work it out for myself, there's life and direction returning to my hands and arms and I can just act without questioning myself and my actions! I didn't get sore, tired, achy arms - a huge sign of improvement!

I also felt fine with the speed I was working!  I did ask a few questions but I didn't label any of them as 'dumb'. No, they were all totally valid questions.   

[Hope67]

   This is really great, Blueberry. 
Hope 

[Boatsetsailrose]

So wonderful blueberry to hear icr was quiet, wow that gives me a lot of hope.
To get on with work and that you made it there, were productive and could ask questions without feeling bad, all positive news!
That's my prayer for a new job now I'm getting out of nursing that I can do something I enjoy and the icr is quieter because my god it was loud in my career !

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope and Boatsetsail 

Sorry you had a loud icr during your career too, Boatsetsail