Mom's "hobby"

[sobreviviré]

I am 20 years old and up to about a couple of months ago I lived a pretty soothing life. I believe that I had began to repress memories. I wasn't to recently that everything has came back and hit me from when I was a child. I had gotten good at forgetting without even realizing it.  I woke up this morning remembering when I was a child and my mom would drink, wether it'd be at a party or even home alone. Often this would be followed by a visit to who I thought was a family friend. Her being drunk and getting behind the wheel never seemed to scare me, being that I was with her in the passengers seat, maybe I thought it was all okay because I was next to her.

So off we'd go to that one house located in that weird part of town that sometimes I'd even ask to go to knowing that they had a big nice dog and a couple toys to play with. I knew that we'd only go when she drank but I guess as a kid never really never questioned why. Plus there was a pool and toys for me to play with in the back, I would be pretty content.

However as I got older those toys didn't seem to interest me as much and I'd go looking for my mom. Usually she'd go to their garage and I was always told to stay away. I can remember a couple times in which I would go looking for her and find that she'd be in the garage and quickly be told not to come in, told that someone was changing or that they were having an "adult conversation", however I went on to believe this for a while.

As I had began to enter my teens I didn't feel so compelled to go with my mom places when she drank, I found my own hobbies and friends and honestly began to forget about that strange house located in that strange neighborhood. I wasn't till I turned 15 when everything became clear. At 15 our apt. became infested with bed bugs, and they first bit my mother for the first two weeks. Convinced it to be in reaction from the drug, one day my mom came home after visiting that house. I was in the living room and she came to me crying. I honestly can't recall the details but she confessed to me that the strange house was a place where she'd go to get her fix.

I once was told by an auntie who was an avid pot head, defending pot telling me that my mom was no better and that she had skeletons much darker. I then connected the dots of all the years I'd go with my mom to that house. I felt disgusted and unprotected. My mom went on to ask me if she should get help and that she had been wishing for an intervention, that all her sons would get her together and put in her place. She asked me crying if she needed to get help. I told her at 15 what I could, I said that she should. However she quickly then knocked that idea down, said with her profession she couldn't take the risk of losing her job if this were to come out. That day passed and then we eventually came to realize that the bed bugs were the cause. We never really returned to talk about that day. However I could remember her still disappearing every now and then and coming back with that same "loopy/ spaced out" mood that she'd get after visiting that house.

Over the course of the last couple years I really kind of forgot about those memories of that house, looking for my mom and finding her in the garage. I even used to ask to go there so I could play with their dog, I feel tricked and almost disgusted with myself when I think about that. Today I woke from a dream in which I was witnessing my mom using .(something Im sure I've never seen, however maybe I did and only self consciously remember) In the dream I call my oldest brother in hopes that he'd take care of things, but in the dream I was greeted with disbelief and my mother gave me a look of disgust. When I woke up this morning alone and in my room I had to what was almost a panic attack. Memories of that house flooded my head and even to this day I connect some dots.

This month has been a rollercoaster of dreams digging up my past, memories that I had even completely  forgotten, ones even darker then that strange house. I am okay and safe now and a full time college student, my mom since then has retired and plans on moving where she can get away from her bad hobbies. I just wish that these memories could be left in the past. I want to sleep again. I have made an appointment to see my first therapist and I really hope it will help. I think I just have to let all this out.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, sobreviviré! I'm glad you're here. I hope this forum is a wealth of information, support and validation for you as you begin your journey. We're cheering you on. 

[woodsgnome]

My m (and her whole FOO for that matter) also had her 'hobbies'; but too personal to relate here--I only mention it to reassure you you're not alone with this missed connection.

I'm hoping the therapy helps you gain some perspective. Looking back will always be rough, but the present and future needn't be controlled by them. With regards to therapy, it's best to know it may not produce 100% immediate relief either, but you will need some grounding and support and there are few safe options (other than moving to nature which is what I did).

I wish I had more concrete help in my 'care bundle' but here's what may seem obvious but needs reinforcing, and that is to realize it will take patience to wade past the memories. Even if there's more lurking in the mix, you have the inner capacity for self-love, as demonstrated by your visit here and your willingness to relay your story.

Best to you...

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS sobreviviré      It sounds like you are ready to look at your past and deal with it    Let us know how therapy goes