The Trouble With Friends

[Phoebes]

Things have been going well. REALLY well. I feel like I've gotten through and past enough to where I feel a lot lighter, I'm not sad or depressed, I don't have a sick feeling in my chest or trouble getting going. I've been healthier and happier. BUT

There's the issue of friends. Now that I'm healthier and happier, there are very few that I don't have serious questions about.

There's a group of "friends" who we all came together out of having one mutual friend, who I know we all spend time with individually, and sometimes all together. Well, for a long while, we didn't do anything as a group. Months. And then when our mutual friend has us all over for a party, I could hear mentions of many things they had been doing, and the closeness everyone shares. The inside jokes and references, the giggles and laughs, etc. I was not part of any of that. One of the people in the group I know has some sort of issue with me. Or simply doesn't like me. But has gone out of her way to be super friendly with all the others. It feels like a throwback to junior high, although that didn't happen to me in jr. high..lol.

Well anyway, it really hurt my feelings a lot. I feel like, as usual, the group has been snowed by a narcissist. This person has said really crappy things to me, and for a while as usual I brushed it off. But now, I feel that my feelings are actually worth while, and the fact I recognize this behavior as narcissistic or seriously disordered, I have a problem with the fact that she has single handedly successfully alienated me from the group without me even knowing it. I did want to be their friends and I really liked all, even including the narcissistic one before I realized what was going on. I think what happened is she took charge as "outing coordinator" and consequently left me out, and the others just thought I wasn't interested.

It left me wondering if I exude dysfunction, or something. You know, the feelings we face. It's probably none of that. These things, though, can trigger me into thinking about dark subject of past abuse. And I have to think what does the present day phoebes want to think about herself.

[Rainagain]

That's really bad Phoebes,

Sorry you have been treated like that.

The reason may be that this person realises you are more perceptive than the rest of the group so you are a threat to her games.

She can't snow you so tries to exclude instead.

Just a thought, doesn't make it any less hurtful.

[Sceal]

That sounds awful! Being excluded is a really horrible thing, and in a social setting it can set really deep and painful wounds.
Could you invite some of them out, so you can remain in contact with the other people, but not this person who you're uncertain about?

Also, it is wonderful that you're feeling so much better, and that things are otherwise going really well!  That's great to hear!

[Dee]

I think we have all been there at some point.  It is petty and hurtful.  I would agree, maybe you can arrange it and invite the friends you would like to maintain.  Eventually they will become aware and tire of her behavior, but you don't have to wait.

[fighter]

Hi Phoebes! I have dealt with this in the work context. Different setting, but the hurt is still very real.  Yes, I do think we get targeted for a reason. I think that all the things that are beautiful about us are very threatening to people like narcissists.  They also need targets and we are pre-packaged to be that person for them because of our histories.  In my experience, all I can offer in terms of advice is to be compassionate to your other friends.  When you are out of the picture, the same thing will happen to others - narcissists always need a target - you can be there for your friends when it is their turn.  I have had that past victim be there for me and it means the world.
Hang in there!

[Phoebes]

Thanks to all of you for the support. I'm so sorry I didn't answer this before. I don't know what happened! Your thoughts really helped ground me in reality.