CW TW, dream or memory..?

[Rowan]

Hi all.

The title has a CW and TW, I'm going to leave a big space as usual, before I jump into my question....


















End of big space.

So dreams. I've not 'dreamt' in decades, and I'm having a small flurry of them at the moment.

First was as an astronaut, in space, in a broken capsule where the switches didn't work, I knew I couldn't leave, and sat calmly watching the earth through the window, unable to 'do' anything. Feelings of very trapped and contained. But calm. Self enforced calm, because not being calm would not achieve anything more. Oddly, not sad or frustrated, just detached.

Second dream this week (yeah, I know..) is why there is a CW and TW on the post - stuck in an observation room, overlooking lines of people, happy, content and chattery amongst themselves walking through a 'scanner' that left a bump on their faces. These bumps then developed rapidly into penis's. Yup. On their faces. They weren't unhappy after, but, here is the disturbing part. During their development, they were regularly inspected and commented on. I was informed that 'they like to check progress regularly'. In detail. And that's as much as I remember of that dream. What was really disconcerting was this had associated smells, and I do find that smell revolting. In this dream I felt like Kay - wholly female.

Third dream this week. Now this is odd again, I've had auditory dreams before (no visuals, just sounds), where I can 'hear' conversations, discussions, and/or music - generally enough to wake me up, but in those 'dreams' I'm never startled. Last night, it was the characteristic sound of a wheeled something  across a tiled floor.
It woke me in panic, every time.
It sounded like a hard wheeled suitcase (but it didn't feel contemporaneous, it felt old. Very old, predating the wheeled suitcase..). This was recurring - every time I fell back to sleep it would start again, so today I'm very tired, and anxious.

No changes in meds; alcohol, yes, but not a significant amount (a glass or so of wine in the evening); and no change in overall routine. So no overt major triggers.

The first is obviously a mental representation of how I feel - detached observer, holding it together as not doing so would achieve nothing and result in anihilation. Literally trapped in a box. Watching life from afar.

The second dream - dream maybe (it is suitably random). However I am unsure. It felt a little too real. A little too visceral. I felt too detached as an observer, and the females that went into the scanner finished as males. It was horrific to 'watch' and the understanding that was going to happen, is why I'm wondering if the 'inspection' is a sanitised memory fragment of CSA.

The third dream is obviously a trigger, from what, I have no idea.

Let's get through today.


Rowan

[sanmagic7]

rowan, it sounds like you have a handle on the representations of your dreams.   may i suggest that your subconscious is beginning to let your conscious mind remember things that have long been buried or blocked.  from your use of the word 'visceral' and 'horrific', i'd guess that there is something there speaking to you on a personal level.

the auditory dream is interesting in that every time you attempted to go back to sleep it would continue.  that's how my worst nightmares happen, and i end up having to get up, play on the computer for a few hours before my mind empties itself enough so that those images don't return.  they are the scariest dreams i encounter, and i don't always know the answer for them.

one example that i figured out was recurring.  it had to do with my sister bullying me in the dream, and i couldn't fight back, even tho i was extremely angry with her.  this dream came to me for several years.  i finally figured out that my sis was standing in for my narc daughter, who i'd repressed being angry with.  it was when i finally understood this transferance, realized what was going on with me re: my d, that the dreams stopped.  they've never been back.

i don't know if that's helpful, or if you'll be able to realize anything similar, but it's an example of how our dreams can hide their true meaning from us, even while giving us clues.  it's almost like we have to play detective.  on the other hand, it took me several years for that realization to surface - i believe our subconscious is a protector for us until we're ready to deal with the truth/reality.

best to you with this, rowan.  sending love and a big hug filled with comprehension and safe sleep.