Can't communicate things properly

[lyricalliv13]

I'm sorry if I post here too much but there's this one problem I really need help with. I feel like talking to my stepmom is impossible sometimes and I don't know what to do.

The thing is, I know she's been bullied and intimidated into being passive and silent her whole life. She's told me some things, and I feel bad because I don't want to be a part of that. It's just that she sees hidden meaning or implied meanings in what I say and it's beyond frustrating because I go out of my way to avoid making her offended or irritated - which is probably just me, honestly, because it's pretty easy for me to think they're mad at me sometimes when they're not. Maybe I should just say sound offended or irritated. I hate it when she sounds offended or irritated, it makes me feel so tense. I have to calm down a little bit every time and I can feel it in my chest.

I'm gonna explain an example

So this morning I woke up and I wanted some coffee. The other day she mentioned something about leaving me some extra in the pot, but I wasn't sure if she remembered. I didn't want to ask her if she made me any because I felt like that would sound selfish and demanding. I was worried she'd give me a look and go no and take it as me being rude or something, like I expected that she should make me some. So instead I asked if I should just use the keurig.

She gives me a look, and in a really annoyed tone goes and says something about how the coffee in the pot was her coffee. So I explained I was just asking her to check and make sure, and said I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. She responds by pouring the coffee into a mug and handing it to me, and then also kind of in an annoyed tone, says she'll just make herself some more.

I felt so selfish just standing there, with that coffee that she obviously wanted. I felt like I'd demanded it and walked in there all selfish like a spoiled brat and been bitchy about the coffee. And then I got really pissed. Because I shouldn't feel that way, I was trying to avoid sounding like that, I didn't want to be rude or annoying but it feels like no matter how hard I try that's what I end up being. So I put the coffee on the counter and spouted off, and I was really blunt and obviously kind of irritated, and I told her that I was literally trying so hard to not be rude and get on her nerves but it seems like no matter what I do she takes it personally anyways.

Later we had a conversation and she said something about me getting in the way of her coffee in the morning, and that I should have just asked if she made me any because asking if I should make my own with the keurig implied something (). Which annoyed me SO MUCH, for obvious reasons. So I told her that communication was already hard enough, I already think she's mad at me all the time, and I actively avoid being rude because I always feel guilty so if she could just answer a question without all the extra stuff I wouldn't get so frustrated. I told her that I never ask her anything to be annoying or stupid or bitchy, I'm literally just asking her things so I don't end up getting in her way accidentally.

When I lived with my bio mom, it was SUPER HARD to do anything right without her getting mad at it (not just irritated, sometimes really MAD), and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. My stepmom isn't like her at all. I want to clarify. She's never hurt me, and has no intentions of doing so, and that's obvious with everything else that she does. I think she just has maybe some of the same issues as me. Maybe she's dealt with people pushing her around and being rude and so it's hard for her not to see hidden implications, like I'm being passive aggressive. But I don't know how to explain to her that I don't, and that I really just want to communicate and avoid pissing her off. I feel like if I could just ask a question and she could just answer the question and stop responding to hidden meaning that isn't even there, the both of us would get along better.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry, lyricalliv, this sounds very frustrating. My FOO is pretty practised at not understanding me and implying or even saying that it's all my fault. Decades later, I'm still working on getting over it.

I don't know what to suggest. Ugh. Even thinking about it is making me feel as if an EF is coming on.

One thing: even if she is 'just' your stepmom and not your bio-mom, you shouldn't have to feel you have to make allowances for her. She's been bullied and intimidated her whole life, you say. Well, hard as it may be for her she shouldn't be somehow taking that out on you, she needs to be dealing with the people who intimidated her or at least getting therapy on the issues (e.g. if not possible / advisable to confront those people). If you're looking out for her, you are acting like a parent and that's backwards. Unfortunately I can not advise you to suggest she gets into therapy / counselling. That's not likely to go down well. Maybe it will help you to hear that I for one don't think this is all your fault or anything like that?

[sanmagic7]

hey, lyrically,

it sounds to me like she has issues that need to be dealt with from her past, is very much on the defensive, and gets triggered by perceived  slights, putdowns, or aggression from you.  that is not your fault, there is nothing you can do about it, and you don't have to walk on eggshells in fear of her flare-ups.  that's her stuff, not yours.

it's difficult to be living with someone who will not look at their own crapola.  all you can do is be polite and get on with whatever you're doing.  she will take it any way she sees fit.  maybe you don't need to ask her about the coffee in the future - just make your own, do the keurig, or make more if you empty the pot.  you don't have to let her take your power away.

i am sorry you are going thru this.  i've been in a similar situation, and it's not easy nor fun - more like tiptoeing thru a minefield, afraid that making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing will detonate something that will explode in your face.  i'm with blueberry in thinking she's the step-mom, therefore she should be looking out for  your best interests, taking care of you rather than the other way around.

best to you with this.  i support you in any way you want to deal with this - i just hope you are able to take care of yourself as best as possible.  sending love and a hug full of compassion.

[Erebor]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, it sounds very frustrating

and that I should have just asked if she made me any because asking if I should make my own with the keurig implied something ().

Just a thought, in my FOO comments like 'Should I just make my own drink from now on?' or 'I'll do x myself' were used as a manipulative punishment tactic by my NPD-F. 

The implication of the first comment was that the person on the receiving end didn't care about him, because they hadn't made the drink (or hadn't made it fast enough), or had expressed reluctance about doing so. 

The implication of the second comment was a broader no one loves him anymore guilt-trip.

In either case, his comments were intended to make us feel bad and jump to convincing him to let us complete the task instead (and that we cared about him).

I wonder if your stepmom is hypersensitive to, like san said, perceived attacks, in particular perceived emotionally manipulative ones?  I was a little like that after going NC with my NPD-F. 

The thing is, I know she's been bullied and intimidated into being passive and silent her whole life. She's told me some things, and I feel bad because I don't want to be a part of that. It's just that she sees hidden meaning or implied meanings in what I say

I guess the only other thing I have to offer is that you're not responsible for her emotional wellbeing, or for making up for how others have treated her, if that's what you mean.  It's on your stepmom to recover herself, and the way she's dealing with you does not sound healthy.