(TW: emtoional, verbal abuse and neglect) Help me figure out - My Story

[Urs]

I have to say I do not know whether I was abused, neglected, or traumatized but I have a lot of symptoms of CPTSD. I seem to oscillate between anxiety and anger, with a few days of semi-content peace in between. I have an aversion to touch (hugs, kisses, the elderly favorite cheek-pinch), fear of doctors and anything medical, fear of law enforcement (delusion-like idea: they will see the evil in me and hurt me), and loud noises (barking dogs, fireworks, storms, but also shouting) There are a few gaps where I just do not remember anything, I do have anger issues.  I would drink almost daily after school and/or self-harm when upset by school or family.    I was a "good" kid: polite, quiet, shy (more like scared of people, probably), preferred the company of older people (adults) over peers, solitary activities (books and art esp.). I remember feeling like f. is indifferent, and m. incapable of protecting me

Please, help me figure out if I can have C-PTSD. I am seeing a therapist for OCD currently, but SPD and some dissociative disorder was also suggested as options. I have issues identifying what is an issue or "not normal" and what to bring up and with establishing goals, so I would appreciate any tips and tricks on how to deal with that as well. 

[Rainagain]

Hi Urs,

There is so much in your post, I can't reply to it, but wanted to try to help.

I think the memory blank areas are significant, I had a T who spotted it as being important, also memories out of chronological order seemed to be of interest.

You don't mention symptoms, its the symptoms which are diagnostic of PTSD/cptsd rather than the trauma.

I think therapists probably work by identifying symptoms, but I've never really understood how they work.

Maybe start with symptoms when talking with the therapist?

[Urs]

Some of the symptoms I experience include:

- difficulty with modulation of anger and of tendencies towards self-destructiveness
-  addictions and self-harming behaviors;
- amnesias and dissociative episodes and depersonalization
- predominantly negative, low self-worth
-  not being able to trust the motives of others and not being able to feel intimate with them
- self-serving, out to get what they can by whatever means including using/abusing others
- somatization and/or medical problems
- hopeless about finding anyone to understand them or their suffering
- anger, hair trigger flight/flight responses, suicide ideation
- guilt, self-blame, sense of being completely different from other human beings
- isolation and withdrawal, distrust of others, relationship difficulties, loneliness and feelings of abandonment/rejection

[Kizzie]

Hi Urs and welcome to OOTS 

Unfortunately we can't diagnose anyone because we're not trained mental health professionals.  That said, it certainly seems to me like you have had some trauma in your life that has led to the development of CPTSD symptoms - memory issues, avoidance, self-harm, anger, feeling different, etc., as you identify in your second post.

What you might want to think about doing next is taking the list of your symptoms to your therapist (T) as well as some information about CPTSD and discussing this with her/him as it can make a difference in treatment approach. 

At the same time, posting here can be of help too.  Also, there is a lot of info about recovery strategies available so keep on reading.