Covert SA from a 'friend' **TW**

[Erebor]

My life is a neverending chain of things that overwhelm me but that I don't emotionally process right now (lots of feeling numb, not venting/crying/feeling).  The latest thing in the chain is someone who called themselves my 'friend' after only knowing me for a short time (I would never have called them this because I think I would need to really know and trust someone before I did that).  They charm bombed me very heavily for a very, very short amount of time at the start of our acquaintanceship. We're the same gender and I thought they might be a real friend.  We had a long list of things in common, which I was very surprised by but it didn't ring any alarm bells. Then they told me that they were interested in persuing a relationship with me.  I turned them down (I'm not gay or interested in dating at all) but I didn't want to offend them or lose a decent possible friendship and so agreed to their suggestion to meet up again soon (my subconscious felt like it was a way for them to get around me turning down).

**TW**

Not long later, I got more grounded in myself and I was realising what was going on and feeling like they'd been covertly walking me right into an abusive sexual relationship against my expressed will - like I was blindfolded, and the change in the relationship was happening TO me and they were trying to keep it hidden so that I wouldn't realise.  I feel horror having written that. It's sick.  They tried to guilt me into starting a relationship with them, they looked at me like I was a sex object and made it blatant! And I couldn't react! I didn't feel anything! I was just retraumatising myself and couldn't feel any of my real feelings! It's disgusting.  And now the shame is coming up. I don't even feel like what I've described qualifies as 'real' covert SA, perhaps it's my critic. I'm scared that people on here will say it there wasn't really anything sexualised about it.

They walked over almost all of my boundaries (they were all down anyway, because of the retraumatisating part of me), and tried to invade every area of my life - it's nuts. I know what abusive romantic/sexual relationships look like, I can recite many of the warning signs, but suddenly I found myself feeling isolated from everyone else and guilty about spending time with other people.  This disgusting, pathetic predator even tried to punish me for talking to other people - even if I was with them at the time. They turned out to be a horrible, spiteful, petty and manipulative pervert - but I kept thinking that they must have CPTSD too and they weren't really a PD person. It turned out they had been watching me for a while and plotting how to approach me, even talking to other people about me to find out what things to pretend to like - because all the things we seemed to have in common were lies and they turned to verbally abusing me quickly.

It's sick. So sick.  They acted like they were entitled to everything about me, and were so abusive. Thankfully the physical stuff didn't go beyond 'accidentally' bumping into me (and lightly hitting me with objects), but I still feel violated. I don't feel like I own my body, I don't feel safe, and I'm struggling to sleep because of how tense and vulnerable I feel.  All of my CPTSD reactions to being triggered by SA stuff were set off by this abuser but I didn't realise what was going on.  They treated me like I was dirt under their feet.

I'm sorry if anyone finds this too emotional or messy, I think writing it down is somehow unlocking my feelings more than when I've tried to talk about it.

[radical]

it's not too messy.  It's an important issue because someone feeling entitled to us, regardless of how we feel, is abusive.  I'm sorry this happened to you.

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago and it really creeped me out.  it was so hard to get my bearings.  It didn't seem to make any sense.  I had gone out of my way to make it clear that I had no romantic feelings for this person whatsoever, and to keep a distance - both physical and psychological. 

We were both closely involved in a group and spent a lot of time in each others company.  I felt I was constantly fending him off, and it took a huge amount of effort to avoid being alone with him etc.  This made no difference to his behaviour and I can't describe how i felt - almost stalked.  Neither of us is young, just to add to my sense of confusion

Also, I felt guilty.  Like you are saying, I think, I felt he must have major issues and I should cut him some slack and be kinder in how I felt towards him.  Yet I felt invaded, pressured, and dislike towards him, which made me feel awful, since he was so ostentiously "kind" to me.

It would take too long to explain how crazy this situation was and how it impacted me.  it all came to a head (another long story) and I sent him an email asking him to back off.  His response was vicious and underhand and impacted my relationships with every member of the group.  I was very hurt.


Beware people who don't care about how you feel, but only how they feel.  Who feel an entitlement to you based on nothing.  who invade boundaries repeatedly and constantly find new ways to do so, as you find ways to plug gaps in your defenses.  This person was a creep and like you say there was a carnival of red flags despite the smarminess.

[Erebor]

Thanks for the reply, radical. What you went through sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar - I feel almost stalked too, and now you mention confusion, that was present throughout my time 'being friends' with them.

This is the not the first time that assuming people just have CPTSD (when they're actually UPD abusers) has lead me to putting up with a lot of abuse... I'd hate to treat someone with CPTSD the way I used to be treated. I thought I'd become cynical toward people but it seems I place the value on the other person and not on myself being treated respectfully, and then make lots of excuses for their behavior. I even found myself trying to convince myself and others that they were a much nicer person than they actually were - even though part of me disliked them. It's going to take a while to understand all of this.

it all came to a head (another long story) and I sent him an email asking him to back off.  His response was vicious and underhand and impacted my relationships with every member of the group.  I was very hurt.

Yes I tried this too, they were not happy. But it was a mixed blessing because their response did an amazing job of clearly showing how entitled they are, which helped me not to back down/attack myself. I hope you've managed to recover from your ordeal with him and the change in your relationships in your group. Abusers manipulating social groups is never fun or easy.

[radical]

Predators prey on the vulnerable.  It gives us an "interesting" view of humanity.
CPTSD can make people more likely to have experiences like this.

I know it sounds awful, and sometimes it means I'll be unfair, but i believe I owe it to myself to be hard-hearted towards those who start waving red flags.

[Erebor]

I know it sounds awful, and sometimes it means I'll be unfair, but i believe I owe it to myself to be hard-hearted towards those who start waving red flags.

That seems like a sensible idea for keeping safe when vulnerable. There are other people still showing red flags and I've slipped toward excusing their behavior, so this is a good reminder to get back to staying safe.

[Deep Blue]

Erebor,
I could have written everything you wrote myself.  I was in an almost identical situation.  May I just say that all your feelings are valid.  It sounds like the person was definitely stalking you as well.  Mine did    

I wish I had the sense that you have.  It took me a long time to realize what was happening.  By the time I realized I was in a full cycle of abuse, I was too broken to do anything about it.

That's all I'm able to say now, but can I just send you a hug filled with understanding?

Please take care and thanks for being brave enough to share.
- Deep Blue

[Erebor]

  Thank you Deep Blue, your words and wishes were exactly what I needed right now.