From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!

[GonzoMom27]

I wake up every morning knowing I can handle the terrors that live inside my head. I survive each day knowing the truth. Despite my minds determination to make them feel like more than a memories I'm fully aware thats all they are. However, I'm also aware my mind no longer belongs to me. It belongs to all of them. This is the part I think T's don't understand; they haunt me. I see them everywhere. Even though I know they're not there and the memories are just memories I can't break free of their faces ( even though it been over 5 years since I've seen any of them.)
The thing that keeps me up nights is all three of them started as friends, best friends. It wasn't family I couldn't help seeing. They weren't violent strangers. All three of them were welcomed into my life by me. They came at different times in my life when I felt vulnerable. I made it so easy; The situations I put myself in, the things I told them, the way I trusted them completely.
I was 12 when he started threatening me to get me to preform unmentionable acts, he was 19. I was just happy to have someone to talk to. I was 14 and in a prom dress when I learned "no" doesn't mean anything. I was just happy to have been the youngest girl at prom. I was 15 when I learned people will do just about anything for bragging rights and a $50 bet. I was just happy to have a place to sleep off the drugs I shouldn't have tried.
But like I said, I know I'm going to make it through each day. I know I'm more than a victim. I know as horrible as these experiences were I won't have to actually relive these things (excluding the FB's). I know enough to put my mind at ease but it's just not. Everywhere I go, every man I see is a reminder that you don't really know anyone, until you do (if that makes sense.) For that reason I have this crushing anxiety that keeps me from leaving my house most days. When my daughter was an infant this wasn't an issue. She'll be three soon and I'm running out of excuses to avoid taking her in public. Ive discussed this with many T's and gotten plenty of suggestions and tools that help take the edge of. Still, More often than not i find myself at home making up excuses to friend and family. I'm scared everyday. I don't want to just "make it through" my days anymore.
I apologize for the rant like writing style and the possible triggers. I'm just hoping to get some insight on my situation from someone who wasn't paid to hear my story.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi there, I totally get what you're saying. I too have spoken to therapists about this and like you they have given me hundreds of suggestions but what they all fail to understand is it is 'our mind' and we as individuals are ruled by that. Giving grounding techniques is fine for a few minutes and journaling I do find helpful but it still doesn't change my general mindset.
I'm in Cbt at the moment working with a lovely therapist but she too just doesn't get it. Every day I have to write a mood and event diary of now I feel and what I'm doing, she comes up with suggestions about going out for a walk going to the gym making a cake!! What she is failing to understand is when our mind is full of bad memories and flashbacks continually, how can our mind suddenly change and become full of positive thoughts, it just won't happen...
The one thing I have found helpful is emdr therapy which does reprocess the bad memories and make life more liveable, not sure if this is something you have tried?  Unfortunately I'm now in a position where lots more flashbacks have come up and I definitely need more emdr but because I'm from the uk and under the nhs you are only allowed one given therapy at a time for 12 weeks then get discharged and have to wait around 3-6 months before being seen again so realistically won't have that to probably after Xmas now which is so frustrating.
I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I can sympathise with you.

[Deep Blue]

Hello Gonzomom,
I just wanted to say that what you wrote really struck a cord with me.  All of those who hurt me.... all of them... were those that I let into my life.  I loved them.  They won my love like a prize... then used it against me to cause unthinkable pain.

I'm working through some of the same issues as you.  I carry blame for "letting" these people enter my life.  I'm trying to shed my blame but it's such a hard process. 

Much love as you sort through this.  I wish I could offer help or suggestions but I hope that just knowing we are in similar boats will be enough for now?

[Kizzie]

Hi Gonzo and welcome to OOTS   

I don't know if the T's you saw discussed this but in most cases processing trauma takes time. When I first found out I have CPTSD and started into recovery I wanted to "rip the bandaid off" but quickly found out it doesn't work that way.

And for good reason when you think about it. 

The wonderfully protective psychological strategies we used when we were traumatized originally are still in place, not only to keep us from re-experiencing intense pain and fear from our past trauma, but to avoid additional traumas.  Unfortunately it also keeps us from living fully in the present and life more fully as you're finding. 

I don't have any strategies to offer beyond what your T's probably have.  I do hope that therapy and posting here will help to release some of the trauma in manageable chunks so you begin to feel less anxiety and are able to do more.