Camille's Journal (TW)

[camille13512]

Thank you, San, again. I like how you describe this as a learning process. Being aware of common or natural response on others is still so bizarre to me. I have been treating B/W thinking as a "shortcut". If A, do this; else, do that. Nothing in between; it is supposed to be simple. It's not. I think I will just have to go through this newly gained consciousness, even though it is so painful sometimes. Hug you back.

----Descriptions of an EF, TW to be safe -----

Today I have another relapse. There is a startled voice in me that keeps begging, begging others to let it live. It feels threatened, that other people will murder it, will ignore it or torture it. I listen to the begging and don't know what to do. I think I am triggered by a farewell party thrown for a colleague. He is very talented and loved by many for his supportive personality. I stood at the edge of the room, looking at the crowd, thinking that I will never be able to get approved by so many people. My existence will always rely on the crowd, how they think of me, and I will not be able to "pull it off". I will not be able to survive.  I also ran into an old friend who has ghosted me. I suspect that it is because my symptoms got worse back when she still talked to me, but I could also be over-thinking. Maybe I'm just not interesting anymore; maybe she just doesn't want to tolerate me anymore. In any case, seeing her reminds me of how I failed "the test" again, that I couldn't hold someone's validation. And to the scared part in me, that means danger, that means being pushed closer to a hole that will erase my existence. I don't think people are inherently dangerous or threatening; they are just not very forgiving, but this alone can be deadly to me. I have nothing to back me up, other than the very little instrumental value I might have, but I am easily replaceable. To the others who don't need to use me, I almost don't exist, because I just cannot mingle, and I don't wish to anyway. In a sense, I chose this cursed road, but I still resent that there is no alternative I can see. Sorry for the messy rambling. I am not angry or even bitter; the voice in me is feeling scared for its life right now, and I have to feel with it, because it is bearing this for me.

[sanmagic7]

camille, i hope that voice can be reassured that it will be taken care of, nurtured, and validated.  could it be your inner child that got triggered by the party?  something that happened in the past that caused or encouraged such feelings?  sending a loving hug filled with all that voice needs to not feel so afraid.  living in fear is a terrible feeling.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Camille. Sorry but I don't have any wisdom to say for now.

I don't know about how other people think of you Cam, but I don't think you're replaceable. There's something unique about you that I can relate with your need to be affirmed and accepted in this forum. Other people fear this too, but something is different with you for some reason.

[camille13512]

San, I don't know how to calm my inner child (I guess I am truly terrible with kids). I just sit there and cry with them. I think I know which part of my past might have caused it. One may say that the past threat is no longer here anymore, but neither my inner child nor I see it that way. The past demonstrated the capability of human cruelty to me. How would I know when someone near me flips? Just recently I witnessed people changed their altitudes, to me and to others. They will promise one thing, withdraw, and come back again. They will be warm and welcoming and then cold and contemptuous. Part of me know that it is only natural that people have emotions, and they are not always able to control their immediate responses. Who am I kidding, aren't I like this all the time? But I am so scared of not being able to accommodate others all the time. And I think I already failed to do so. I am getting tired. I don't want to live like this, but what other choice is there?

I, inner child, inner critic, outer critic, all other voices, they are all me. I can't tell what is "me" what is not. We are all fearing, in different ways. I fear we will not survive. Inner child thinks they will get punished for not behaving. Inner critic thinks we are all disgusting and that is why we will not be tolerated. Outer critic think other people are dangerous and threats, but we cannot change that. I am feeling so hopeless right now.

Decimal, thank you for stopping by. I know it's been a hard time for you too.  Thank you for saying that I am relatable. It makes me feel it is still possible for me to be human. 

[sanmagic7]

sweet camille, i think all those voices have become part of your inner dialogue because of hearing them over and over for so long, but i don't think all of them are 'you'.  ICr, to me, is always from someone else.  as someone said on another thread, we didn't look up self-disgust or any other neg. belief about ourselves, study the book, and decide that's how we wanted to feel about ourselves.  it was laid on us when we didn't have a choice.

i don't know if you're truly terrible with kids - you just may not have had anything pos. modeled for you about nurturing, calming, and comforting.  if you didn't get it or see it, how would you know?

i know that hopeless feeling, too.  i've felt it many times over the years.  happily, it has always eventually left.   i'm wishing the same for you.

love and hugs to you, camille.  we're all in this together.

[camille13512]

Hi San,  thank you as always. I did not grow up completely without care, so I thought (still thinks) that it does not make much sense that I am so lost with my inner children. Recently I have reversed to self punishment again (although half unconsciously) by not allowing myself to sleep. It's not insomnia, because I can fall asleep as soon as I "let" myself. My T said I need to stop torturing myself like that, but I haven't been strong enough to fight it back. I am doing all the wrong things and I find myself constantly shamed and apologizing to either IC or ICr.

I have been trying to wait this EF out (two weeks now), but it hasn't stopped. I am having the constant paranoia/anxiety again. I feel I ruined every interpersonal relationship I have, and I have no idea how (or maybe I am just a bad/unpleasant person). I have been talking to people normally without breaking down or getting triggered in the middle, but there are still surges of self-shame and fear that everyone despises me.

The other day when I was cleaning my computer space, I found an old note written by myself a few months ago when I was in a particularly bad EF. When I read it again, it did not feel like anything that I put down myself, and for a while I felt a lot of compassion and empathy for the person who wrote it down. But now I am that person, once again. I hope the other me, the one that was strong enough to comfort my weak "copies" will show up to this me right now. It seems that I never learn. I never learn how to deal with these episodes. When I get stuck in a state like this, it feels I cannot get out. And when I do get out, I cannot remember how it happens, so I just wait. But sometimes time is not enough. This pain can be too much when it is prolonged.

[sanmagic7]

camille, even if you don't see it or feel it, it seems to me that you've made some progress.  the fact that you could remember the person who empathized and had compassion for the struggling you and wishes she would show herself once again is a step taken in a healthy direction.

sometimes, i know, these seem like small steps, not worth our notice, but i believe they count.  acknowledging that compassionate part of you who showed herself when reading what you wrote is real, and, to my mind, it's big.  knowing she's there might give you a bit of a handle to hang onto. 

i hope this ef leaves as soon as it possibly can.  they are no fun, that's for sure.  hang tough, sweetie.  we're hangin' right beside you.  love and a hug full of that compassion and empathy that you felt.

[camille13512]

Thank you, San. This EF is second longest one I have dealt with since I can identify an EF. I have probably had worse before, but I wasn't aware back then. A new wave is coming, and I am trying very hard to not let it start right now. Once it starts there is nothing I can do, and I don't want to go through it consecutively with no breaks in between.

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Edit: removed.

I think I will keep checking out. I am trying hard to not be dragged down. The weight can be unbearable.
I wish I were stronger. I wish my survival was a guarantee.
But at least now I know one thing. I want to live. All the voices that want me to give up, they are just exhaustion and despair. Need to keep reminding myself of that.
Good luck, my friends.