I'm getting better, but some dreams die hard.

[plantsandworms]

Just stopping in to put words to some things I've been feeling. I've been in therapy for a year now for my C-PTSD, and I've reached a point where I've seriously committed to my healing. I read all the books my therapist recommends, I practice the techniques, I write in my workbooks. Slowly, slowly, I am seeing improvements in myself. I'm starting to feel like I can really get past this and someday experience a different kind of life.

But some dreams are hard to leave behind. I notice that I still have these movie magic fantasies of knocking on my dad's door, of being let in, of standing in front of him successful and strong. And in this fantasy he is proud of me and he is sorry for everything and ready to begin his own healing.

Or I have this fantasy where I call my mom on the phone one day, a decade or two from now. I buy her a house to live out the rest of her days, because she is still poor and struggling. We talk on the phone once per week after that, catching up on each other's lives and exploring our past harms. And we achieve some kind of closeness.

I need to come to terms with the fact that the future will not meet my fantasy expectations. There is no amount of success or wealth that will suddenly make them love me the way i deserve. We may reconnect one day, but it won't be like in the movies. In fact, it may go badly. And they may never pursue their own healing. I wish I knew how to let those dreams go, but it's a hard kind of grieving. And because the future hasn't happened yet, my mind likes to wonder and imagine.

If anyone has tips on how to close the book on these dreams, I would be very grateful to hear them. Sending love to you all.

[walkwithme]

I imagine him seeing me on television, in some kind of super important job, respected, celebrated, and regretting the way he treated me. And then dying so I'm the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes. I want that so bad. Don't worry. You're not alone. I also would like to know how to let this go.

[Dee]

I certainly can understand the desire, hope, dream to have a close family.  I had that same dream.  I don't know if it ever stopped but I do tell myself that isn't my reality.  I don't have any advice for you, but I do understand.

[karbon]

I used to engage in a  lot of fantasy play on thinking about the 'what if's and how a letter or a reconnection could suddenly build new bridges. I wrote out the letter's a couple of times - not to send them - just to write them out. Sometimes their nice letters, full of forgiveness and moving on. Sometimes they fall short of mercy and compassion, but that's okay because I don't send them. I had a really rough time learning to grieve on a past injury, an abandonment that had happened nearly a decade ago and because everyone moved around me saying it was no big deal, I never appropriately went through the stages. The letters really helped.

I really got into yoga  few years back, and whenever I dedicate time to my mat and focus my energy on healing, it seems to help. I've really focused on surrender to my personal grief once I realized I had these stages to navigate. The mindfulness has been cathartic and I've had some pretty incredible touching moment's come out of my subconscious from my practices. It's not the medium for everyone - but I think there's a lot of worth in allowing your emotions to come out in something you love to do, exercise, creative writing, painting, hobbies etc.

[Susie24]

Welcome to the wishing/fantasy portion of the program.  I recently read that this is a thing we Cptsd sufferers do.  I used to fantasize about the parents and family I wished I had.  Later in my life I transferred this fantasy onto romantic partners or close friends who had broke up with me or let me down.  I fantasize that they will see me on some social media or out in public one day and man will they be sorry for alienating me once they see what a wonderful person I am.  LOL  I would spend all my time getting ready for this encounter.  Even trying to run into them by being in places I know they frequent. I still do it on some level.  Its a shame we are resorted to this but I think our brain has been conditioned as a survival mechanism to do this.  I am also looking for a way to let go of the expectations for relationships.  I think being self-aware that I am doing this... like oh here I go again is helpful  I am learning to put effort and energy into the positive relationships that I do have, but its a constant struggle to not look back ans wish is was different.  I'm so sorry, and I totally understand.  Thanks for being so brave to share this!