Difficult times

[Kalmer]

in the deepest recess of the deepest depths of the ocean i feel like screaming my head off. I feel like shing again. I feel like caving in. i dont understand it... im putting so much effort in and getting nothing out. im always going to be this way. maybe ive just regressed as far back as possible. i dont know. i feel like 0.

[woodsgnome]

That scream has been heard, loud and clear. Okay, not in the physical sense, but by posting here, you've un-silenced the scream. I recognize it; I'm sure other do, too.

There's a clearing, just in being able to say that. So many in this world would be shamed into not admitting to that. But you have, so it's a step towards lessening the inner pain right there.

Frustrations about progress can easily override these little bright spots, so I wanted to at least point that out. Why do I feel that way? I've been there, often; desperate for anything, despondent when nothing seemed right about the torment. But...slowly, it can soften if not dramatically improve overnight. It can harden again too, but sometimes that one short soft moment, maybe after expressing the need for a scream, is even more significant than it seems at first.

So keep on keeping on. It may seem strange, but 1) your scream was heard; and 2) though painful, it shows a spirit that can't be denied. Best to you 

[the mirliton]

Kalmer, I heard it as well.
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
Woodsnome, you are able to articulate so well, and I totally agree that by posting here, it does un-silence that scream. Tears are felt here as well.
I often come to this forum when I am overwhelmed with all that is me and feeling like I am Nothing. A Mistake.
Screaming can be good. Tears as well. They are healing when we are able to validate that pain instead of denying it and hoping it will quietly go away. Sharing our stories with souls who "get it" helps that validation become even stronger, and less painful.
I heard you and my heart now holds you in a special place of wishing you light filled healing.

[Kalmer]

Thank you both for hearing me. I managed not to sh, slept a while instead. Can breath again now, feeling okay again. Apologies for my outburst.

[the mirliton]

Kalmer,

Thank you both for hearing me. I managed not to sh, slept a while instead. Can breath again now, feeling okay again. Apologies for my outburst.

Fellow Traveler, I have spent my whole life (up until now) apologizing for??? me? my feelings? You have not one thing, zero, that's right nada, to apologize for.
You are a warrior spirit who has heard your own cry, and that, to me, inspires mySELF to hear my own silent screams.
Rest and grow stronger. And good work on the SH, I too, often resort to that in hopes to ease up the pain in my heart (ironic isn't it?)
Sending you intergalactic, comforting "I get it" thoughts and a virtual

[Blueberry]

No need to apologise Kalmer! It's good to get those screams heard and mentioning on here is a sure better way than losing it and screaming hysterically irl (which I did a few times in the past before I was in any form of trauma-informed therapy).

I also know the Silent Scream very well. Mine is often a part of me represented by a small Inner Child that just can't handle anything anymore. Time for self-care. Time to create space around self. Your Silent Scream may represent something else. Whatever - you handled it well. You told us. You slept. You didn't sh.      These facts tell me you are making progress  That won't be negated even if you regress again sometime in the future, (as is not uncommon for us). 

[Eyessoblue]

Yep as the others have said those screams are heard!!!
Have you tried journaling? I silently write the screams out and it does feel like I've off loaded something. I was also told to go into my room and start hitting pillows the duvet etc, it releases that inner tension, I did it once and found myself in a hysterical heap on the bed afterwards but it released some of the anger and sadness I was feeling.

[Kalmer]

You are a warrior spirit who has heard your own cry, and that, to me, inspires mySELF to hear my own silent screams. 

Thank you Mirlaton, I'm glad to have inspired in some way.

I'm trying very hard to let go of hysterics at the moment. Not bottling it up, just trying not to feel things so intensely. I've done the whole pillow punching and screaming stuff before, it is exhausting.

I'm coming here today because I feel so weary. I'm weary of myself, of whatever burden it is I'm carrying (I say it like that because I barely recognise what it is, why I'm so much a failure). My friends are weary of me. I'm just an epic fail. I don't know where to begin to pick myself up.

[Blueberry]

Kalmer, cptsd is a BEAST to live with. We aren't failures though it's quite common for lots of us to think we are.

The voices that tell me I'm a failure are voices out of the past - I know exactly which FOO mbrs - which I have taken on into my soul. It isn't true though. These things were said as part of the emotional abuse.

Coming here to post is one way of picking yourself a little bit, and you've jsut done that 
Reading around might help too, whether posts of other mbrs in such a situation and how they got out or lighter-hearted posts like The Healing Porch http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9583.0

Self-care can help check here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6024.0 or just think what could help you feel good. Some people wrap themselves up in a nice comfy blanket and hug their teddy. Whatever works for you.