Father anger / disbelief

[Boatsetsailrose]

I've just called my father after avoiding it since the last call . I'm working hard to accept him as he is - lower my expectations and not open myself up to much when I speak to him.
But as always I've left the phone angry and each time I just shake my head in disbelief.
The calls are always all about him I just can not seem to get over how much he lacks: father role, empathy and interest . Tonight's comment that got me the most was when he was talking about his girlfriends daughter and how much rent she pays. In hindsight I made it about me and yep opened myself up by talking about how I and many of us are locked out of the buying market. His response 'I'm just glad I've got my flat'.
Well that's great I'm pleased for you ! Now what about me !!!! What about me !!! Me me you know your daughter the one your supposed to advise, protect be there for !!!
I also opened up about my job situation and his response was 'it's a hard world out there I'm glad my working years are over' . Why oh why don't I learn to not open myself up !!!! But then what do I talk about without making myself vulnerable to his lack of empathy. Do I just pretend everything is good when it's not

[Blueberry]

  I can empathise. I used to say more to FOO than I do now. I still shake my head a lot in disbelief, looking back, or else at the occasional emails I still get.

Two methods explained at OutOfTheFog have helped me:
Medium Chill  http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
and Grey Rock
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=61600.msg542798#msg542798 See reply#2 from mdana

(tho I'm still learning to implement them).

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ah thanks blueberry I haven't used out of the fog yet so really pleased to get your pointers x

[Kizzie]

Do I just pretend everything is good when it's not

So hard I know Boats, but it is simply not a good situation and IMO we only begin to recover when we stop pretending.  My FOO have NPD and for me it was so painful to accept that they would never be who I want and need (and deserve) them to be - loving, caring, supportive ... 

Out of the FOG really helped me to come to terms with this difficult truth so if you do have the time and inclination, I too would encourage you to spend a little time there.  It cemented for me that I was not the problem, that my FOO were unlikely to change because of their NPD, and I learned strategies for dealing with them. 

For me part of moving on and trying to recover was going NC/LC. E.g., phone calls like yours with your F recently were useless basically and quite triggering so I finally just told myself I was not going to subject myself to N behaviour anymore - it definitely has helped. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks kizzie

[Kizzie]

 

[Phoebes]

Boats, I just wanted to say I can so relate to everything you said. I tend to think of my dad as the enabler, but he is also N like this. It's hard to see others' dads being supportive, taking an interest. And these callous responses are what we get. My dad's thing lately is he says he's going to call at a certain time and doesn't. Maybe a week or two later he'll get around to it. And then says "don't be mad at me" when he finally calls. I just said, " I already have learned that when you say you'll call you don't, so if I have that expectation it would be my own fault." Then he just doesn't respond.

I've really learned a lot on here in all areas of trying to recover and become aware of the dynamics. I'm NC with Nm, and VLC/MC with dad. I can't trust them. I love my dad but I can't trust him and heaven knows I can't rely on him to be a dad.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi phoebes
I hear you and understand that is experience ..
I feel I'm  coming to a bit more middle ground with it at the mo and as u say 'expectations'. Also the not responding I get that ...
I can't imagine having so little / no empathy for people I'm glad
It's not me. I have to actually work
On having less !
Sorry that you have s similar heart ache and glad to hear the forum has helped u so much ... it's a life saver hey

[Phoebes]

Yeah, it really is. Thanks for the validation, too. I think the less expectations the better, but in the midst of it, it's hurtful still. I can't imagine not being hurt by it. We need our dads to be dads and for some reason they don't see that.