Could I have C-PTSD? TW - physical abuse

[lyricalliv13]

Hi.

I don't really know where to start on this and my thoughts might be kind of scrambled right now.

Lately I've been hitting a huge slump. I don't really understand why. It just sort of happened, and things got really hard to handle. Everything in general. I figured it was just hormonal (I haven't been diagnosed with this so I'm still trying to figure out what's going on and if this could be it), but it... Didn't go away after that time of month like I thought it would. It just happened again a few days after.

I feel like this could be related to what happened to me.

When I was younger lived alone with my mom, who was later diagnosed with an axis personality disorder of some type, and my entire childhood was just a constant struggle. I fought with her my entire life, but it got worse as years went by. We would literally physically fight each other. She took an umbrella out of my hands and beat me with it because she thought I was going to hit her. She threw a glass at my head when I was sitting in the closet not saying anything, trying to get away from her. Apparently it was an accident. She was just aiming for the wall behind me.

She said she hated me, that I was terrible, told her friends stories in front of me of how I made her lose jobs because I threw so many temper tantrums daycares wouldn't take me - I could go on and on.

It's so confusing because I was a "troubled child" - I would blow up, break down, scream and blame and cry and everything. Doctors diagnosed me with a million different things and yet no pills seemed to really help me - at least my emotional state. And I don't really want to say that my current problems have anything to do with her because it just feels gross. Wrong. Something she would do. And I don't want to be like her. I don't want to prove her right about me. There's a lot. It's so confusing.

My last fight with Mom was a really bad one and I went into therapeutic foster care. That's when things got better. And I live with my Dad now, who I met for the first time a couple of years ago. But now I just... It's all so confusing and my thoughts are really scrambled right now.

I don't quite believe anything that I feel because there's always this doubt, this fear that I'm manipulating someone somehow. Although I've been keeping a voice diary on my phone to keep track of my emotions and that's been helping. I can let everything out and when I doubt it I go back and remember that it at least FELT real.

I have spots like this every now and then. It pops up out of nowhere (although it hasn't been this bad since I was still in foster care) and I feel guilty and worried and ashamed. I'm afraid I'm manipulating. I've done that before and I don't want to be like her.

But slammed doors still make me jump. I still have anxiety. I have panic attacks. Not as often, just during times like these - and I can manage them now, for the most part, but they're still there.

My Dad actually has been reminding me of her the most. He gets mad and he tries to manipulate me into doing what he wants - I don't mean by grounding me, you know, normal things parents do. I mean the things he says and does. The last argument we had was sort of a prime example. He said I was just like my mother, that I was ungrateful, that I "liked the power I held over him, and he thinks I always have ever since I moved here", that I obviously didn't love him,  etc. And this is because I sent him an email explaining what was going on, why I needed a therapist, and if his job really made it impossible to get me one then I need to go somewhere where I can get help and figure out why I have these things occur.

He later apologized, but I find I don't want to open up to him anymore. This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened. During fights like these I remember how it felt with Mom - not flashbacks, but fear. I feel the exact kind of fear I felt with her and I remember those moments. He won't leave me alone until we "talk", and if I try to leave he'll block the doorways. I can't get mad and yell back. I have to sit there trapped in my room while he talks and respond with "ok Dad" and "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's the only way he'll fizzle out.

And now I'm upset because this wasn't supposed to happen to me again. The manipulation was over. And I don't know if this is all in my head because of everything that happened to me or if it's justified. He's trying now. He's finally getting me a therapist and he's not physically abusive like Mom. He's just reminding me of her a lot and I'm noticing it more. And I want to stop having panic attacks. And I want to be okay.

It hasn't ever been this bad. I'm confused, and kind of numb, and I don't know what to do. I can tell you that he's not physically abusive. Just manipulative when he's mad. And he does care and he seems to have genuinely acknowledged I have a problem and I need help. Maybe if a therapist told him about why I am the way I am and explained why he can't do certain things... I don't know.

I'm sorry this is so long and I'm sorry if it's scrambled and doesn't make much sense. I just need a second opinion. Could I have C-PTSD? Is that why I'm reacting so strongly to my Dad right now? Could that also be why sometimes I get anxious and just... really down for no reason? Is that why I'm so confused by my own feelings? Or could I have something else?

[Rainagain]

Hi

You have more than enough trauma in your past to have cptsd.

I'm really sorry you have suffered so much.

A therapist will hopefully help you to unpack what has happened to you and what it all means, find one that knows about cptsd if you get to choose.

Reading the resources on here will give you ideas about how trauma affects people.

I hope you stay and keep posting.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, lyricalliv! Yes, your background is enough to at least look into whether you have CPTSD. The problem is it's not in the diagnostic manual that all the therapists use (yet).

Are you under 18? Just curious.

Here's a link to a YouTube video on narcissists - https://youtu.be/xI0E9Ns7jTM

I hope you stick around, read some, and find some info that's helpful!

[sanmagic7]

hi, lyrically,

glad you found us.  i join with the others in saying welcome, and yes, you have enough in your background to warrant the traumatization we call c-ptsd.

i hope you read available info here, as much or as little, as fast or as slowly as is best for you.  i believe what you remember is real - it's common to question the validity of our memories at times.  nonetheless, your symptoms say that something has happened to you in your life.

you are not your mom.

glad you're here.

[Erebor]

I realise that this is quite an old thread so forgive me for resurrecting it, but I felt compelled to comment on what you described here:

He later apologized, but I find I don't want to open up to him anymore. This isn't the first time this type of thing has happened. During fights like these I remember how it felt with Mom - not flashbacks, but fear. I feel the exact kind of fear I felt with her and I remember those moments. He won't leave me alone until we "talk", and if I try to leave he'll block the doorways. I can't get mad and yell back. I have to sit there trapped in my room while he talks and respond with "ok Dad" and "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's the only way he'll fizzle out.

And now I'm upset because this wasn't supposed to happen to me again. The manipulation was over. And I don't know if this is all in my head because of everything that happened to me or if it's justified. He's trying now. He's finally getting me a therapist and he's not physically abusive like Mom. He's just reminding me of her a lot and I'm noticing it more. And I want to stop having panic attacks. And I want to be okay.

That freaked me out. My NPD-F did exactly the same kind of stuff. The fact that he doesn't let you leave the room strikes me as rather disrespectful - the one good adult member of my FOO would never, ever, ever do that, she respects me and respects my right to leave or avoid the conversation if I wish to. Respect has to be mutual, has to go both ways. 

I'd say if you feel like you're being manipulated then you need to trust that - your dad being 'okay' the rest of the time doesn't excuse his behavior when he isn't.  If that kind of trapping you/manipulating/controlling stuff is recurring, then to my mind he's abusive and apologies don't cut it.