Coping my mom. Need suggestions.

[bhupendra]

Hi,
I feel exhausted living with my (supposedly BPD? I don't care. Scr*w the labels! I'm not here to stigmatize anybody) Mom.
I have traumatic flashbacks of her. I'm introverted. I don't like anybody crossing my personal space and being too affectionate with me. When I ignore her affection she starts abusing me and telling me and people around that I don't feel and will never feel attachment to any person or living being. The family works on attachment. Family will cease to function normally if people don't feel attached to each other. She had been repeatedly brainwashed by some mental health professional in the past that 'Your son can never feel attachment towards other people. He won't have any empathy.  blah blah...'
I told her "There's a difference between attachment and affection. Yes, what you're feeling [is] definitely an attachment. Try to be affectionate rather than being attached. It'd be more peaceful to you and others. Boundaries have to be respected for our own well being and the well being of other person.  The reason why you became so distraught when your marriage failed is because you were attached to dad rather than having a nurturing relationship with yourself." She became conscious of it for 1 sec or so and then suddenly went into defense mode and started abusing me. I even gave her examples of how mothers who are so attached to their children become distraught when their child dies. I told her she is a gyno for so many years and should already be aware of such issues. At least try to think rationally. Still there was no end to her abuse and curses.  I apologize if to anyone all this comes off as me patronizing her or me being 'attached' to her. It was just an attempt to have a rational conversation with her as I know any form of affection is only going to lead to smothering 'attachment'.
This was just the case of showering of affection or 'attachment' as she adamantly calls it. At other times there are only curses and curses as if I'm some monster.
I'm tired of her constant pull and push. I don't mean to blame her or play the victim. I just need to know how to deal with her? Having a rational conversation seems out of the question. Hugging her to calm her down only seem to have opposite effect. Like it's all fake. 'You don't love me!'

Sorry for the rant. I was a very shy and quiet person. I was never like this. I think living with her and dealing with her I'd slowly become her. Which i don't want and am trying to avoid. Also, sometimes her abuses and remarks trigger flashbacks. So it's pretty complicated.
Though I love myself and others, I feel scared to have close relationship with people especially any romantic relationship with anyone. Not that someone will abandon me. I'm already an outcast. But from my lived experiences in my FOO it seems very emotionally draining.
I start to feel scared when someone tries to show me affection in any form. I know it is not bad. Sometimes I just take a step back. At other times to the point that I just go into my shell without any notice. And it seems rude or confusing to the other person. It feels very creepy to me when I find myself in such situations. As if that would somehow lead to some abuse or some form of conflict. Which I know probably wouldn't if I'm clear to the other person why I avoided him/her and if he/she is compassionate enough to understand. All of which doesn't seem practical in daily life.
Personal issues aside. Any practical advice in dealing with my mom?

[Kizzie]

Bhu, have you considered that your M may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?  If so, there are very good reasons why you are skittish about anyone being affectionate.  Those with NPD tend to use others to get what they need and we know on some level this is not good for us (my family has covert NPD).  Given it is our own families doing this, it is only natural we don't trust anyone else very easily.

If you haven't already done so, you may want to visit our sister site Out of the FOG (http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/).  It has lots of great info about personality disorders and the effect these have on others (e.g., the dev of Complex PTSD)

[ah]

Well, I wonder... have you ever tried what's called 'gray rock'?
It's helped me, I did it with my F for a few years and then I stopped talking to him altogether, it was a gradual slow process. He didn't change but my behavior did.

In my case it also made things a bit harder in the short run, because he became puzzled and frustrated and tried pushing me harder and harder, so that was very unpleasant. But it gave me some peace of mind too, I felt less controlled by his behavior. I felt a bit more in control of my own.
And because his behavior became stranger it helped me see him more clearly. I saw that when I became upset at his behavior he enjoyed it, and when I seemed calm he was bored and frustrated and attacked. That's just up-side-down. When he saw the push and pull no longer worked, he seemed not to know what to do. He tried harder and harder and cursed me but he didn't seem to have any other communication skills. But I do.

I completely agree with Kizzie, no wonder it's hard for us to trust anyone else after growing up in families where trust was so scarce. Your mother's behavior sounds terrifying to me. For you to have a hard time trusting others now sounds to me like the most normal, sane reaction I can imagine.

The push and pull sounds exhausting, too.

Speaking of real attachment (the kind that we all develop toward our caretakers when we're children, whether they're kind and compassionate to us or not), I read the term 'trauma bonding' too. It helped me understand my own relationship with my family better.
I think caring about others goes even deeper than affection, it's a conscious choice you make. Even if your mother can't or won't make it, you can. That's one of the things you have that are uniquely your own. But it doesn't give her permission to hurt you or disrespect your boundaries.

I think if I were you I'd try to experiment with ways to slowly get more and more distance between you. Using 'gray rock' and anything else that you see works for you, and doesn't hurt anybody. Your good heart is an important part of slowly having more space away from your mother. And you have every right to do it.
In my experience, it's possible to be emotionally separated from a parent while still being perfectly polite and kind to them, still talking to them and caring. Still doing all the things that are expected of you to will keep the peace, but this time you're not doing it because you have to - but because you put yourself first. You protect yourself, so you slowly experiment in ways to disengage from people who are unkind to you.

For me, disengaging from my 'family' has been an act of love on my part. It's hard but worth it.

I hope this makes sense

[Estella]

Hi bhu,

I found your post helpful and understand the difference between attachment and affection better, the way you explained. I'm sorry that your mum is giving you a hard time. I get similar from my mother and have disengaged somewhat in the last year, which has had a positive impact on my mental health. It's tough, having parents with cptsd/pds. I don't have any wise words but wish you the best for the grey rock treatment if you use it.

[Rainagain]

Reading Ah's post allowed me to realise I have done the same thing with my parents.

'You protect yourself, slowly experiment with ways to disengage from unkind people'

I truly never realised that is what I have done. I have always called them by their christian names, never ' mum/dad' and am polite but slightly formal when we meet. There is a space between us, hard to explain and I never realised why until reading Ah's post.

So Bhupendra, It is possible to protect yourself, I seem to have done it as a protective instinct. For me it meant not being firmly attached to my parents, thinking of them as people who were not providers of anything nurturing, just a hazard that needed to be dealt with and risks managed/reduced.

Reading my post it sounds pretty terrible, but in practice it is not too bad, we are not close but we have some contact.

[bhupendra]

Well, I wonder... have you ever tried what's called 'gray rock'?
It's helped me, I did it with my F for a few years and then I stopped talking to him altogether, it was a gradual slow process. He didn't change but my behavior did.

Nope. I have to. Thank you for the info. I read about it. I know it'd be difficult as I have to change my responses to her. Many of which she won't initial accept. It'd be gradual. Still, it seems the only thing that would work. Rationalizing with her has been futile. I don't have any close relationships with people. But i think if I'm able to deal with my mom the 'gray rock' way and not give in to her, I can handle any form of relationships with other people better when I do have them and they turn abusive.

Speaking of real attachment (the kind that we all develop toward our caretakers when we're children, whether they're kind and compassionate to us or not), I read the term 'trauma bonding' too. It helped me understand my own relationship with my family better.
I think caring about others goes even deeper than affection, it's a conscious choice you make. Even if your mother can't or won't make it, you can. That's one of the things you have that are uniquely your own. But it doesn't give her permission to hurt you or disrespect your boundaries.

I just wish she'd be respectful of other people's boundaries. I myself had no clue of what healthy boundaries were until I read about it and from other people's experiences. Still I know I can only work on myself and not her. I cannot change her or even expect she'd change. I can only my responses to her.

Bhu, have you considered that your M may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?  If so, there are very good reasons why you are skittish about anyone being affectionate.  Those with NPD tend to use others to get what they need and we know on some level this is not good for us (my family has covert NPD).  Given it is our own families doing this, it is only natural we don't trust anyone else very easily.

I don't know what it is or could be and I don't care much. Definitely it's some trauma, attachment and self esteem thing with her. I had seen her in absolute despair years back when her marriage failed. I don't blame my dad. He did best what he could to handle it. Even these days she talks very pessimistically about me and my sister's future like somehow only bad things are going to happen if other people don't comply with her wishes and expectations. She interferes in our choices or tries to make choices for us. Even small decisions. Which I think any woman in her position and with a past like hers and who isn't aware of her own self and healing would probably do. Sometimes we give in. But at times when we don't and things don't go her way then the abuse and cursing starts.
I have to be self-conscious and be not affected by her issues and behaviour. It's very frustrating. Many a times I have no one to lean on during the flashbacks. And I have learnt it is not healthy to burden anyone else with my own trauma and flashbacks. But i know I have to work on my own self or else I'd lose myself one day if i get affected by her or it all.

[Erebor]

I know you said you don't know what Narcissitic Personality Disorder is and aren't very interested in finding out, but you could find it worth looking into.

My father was very difficult to deal with - seemingly affectionate, but wanting to control us (he just saw us as extensions of himself, we belonged to him, we weren't allowed any boundaries and neither was anyone else). If we didn't allow him to control us, he'd blow up. None of his behavior made sense, and it was incredibly difficult to deal with.  When I read up on NPD it felt like being given a guide to my life, suddenly I there were techniques for dealing with him, explainations of how exactly his manipulations worked and his attitude to other people.