New and Struggling

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Foxbrown

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New and Struggling
« on: July 25, 2018, 07:52:59 AM »
Hi. I am looking for some words of encouragement. After a couple of weeks feeling that I was starting to get on top of this, I have now sunk back down to distress. I have only been aware of CPTSD for the last 3 months, and I am doing everything I can think of to take care of myself. However, I cannot see an end to the suffering. This really is torturous and all consuming. I am afraid and alone. I see now how I have surrounded myself with takers. I don't have one person in my life that I feel I can really turn to. How awful is that. My whole life I have been everyone's sounding board, everyone's go to for help/support/words of wisdom. Now I need some help it's like a tumbleweed moment. I know CPTSD is hard to explain. As is emotional abuse and family scapegoating, I can't believe this is all happening to me and I don't know how to get better.

I am having therapy with a specialist in Narcissistic mothers through her own experience, which does help. But I don't feel she has a true grasp of CPTSD. I am reading Pete Walkers from surviving to thriving, which is so close to home I cry at every chapter as I have my "ah ha that's what's happening " moment. But I am so angry that my own family have caused me to have this horrendous injury that has blighted my life. Their treatment of me as scapegoat has pretty much set me up to fail as I now have no one loving around me to get me through this. I do have a partner, however I have definitely selected a taker and emotionally void person. I try to explain things to him but he just either doesn't get it or doesn't care. I am now starting to pull apart our relationship as I am now questioning everything and everyone in my life.

I have a young child, who is the centre of my universe and without him I don't know if I could have kept going these last few months. I will do anything to protect my baby from this insidious abuse, and for that reason I am determined to stay strong and get out the other side. I just need a bit of help to remember this isn't my fault. That I don't deserve this. That I am a good, kind person. That it will get better. That I am entitled to a happy life.

I'm just so scared. As a very brief explanation I am my family scapegoat. My UNPD M, Enabling F and GC Sibling are people I want to cut all contact with. But it's very hard and I am currently in a very difficult situation where this just isn't possible for the time being. I am however very low contact, which is helping. But every time I get a hoovering message from any of them it is like I have been body slammed into a wall and I am left slumped on the floor for days afterwards. I can't believe these people are my family. Everyone loves them! I will come away with no one as it is just accepted that I am the trouble maker and crazy one. This was even accepted by me until 3 months ago when an incident lead me to realise that rather than being a bad person, I have actually been abused my entire life by those that were meant to protect and love me.

A little before this incident occurred, I can remember thinking during one of my catastrophizing movie clips ( where I picture myself dying in a car accident if I go out somewhere unplanned, or I will get blown up by a terrorist attack if I go to a shopping centre, or I will be caught in a fire if I go to the cinema and won't be able to get out, or if myself and my partner go out together we will both be killed in some terrible accident and leave our little boy orphaned, that I will be raped if I go for a run in the local park, the list goes on and basically means I don't really go anywhere other than "safe" places anymore ) that maybe it would be a good thing if I did die. That maybe then my little boy could get a "sane" mummy that didn't worry all the time. My partner would be able to choose a lovely new person that he didn't have to walk on eggshells around and would be able to go out on date nights with, and maybe, his new woman would be able to be nice to my parents and not be on edge and irritable around them all the time. Maybe then everyone could get a better replacement for me and then everyone would be happy and I at least wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

This was a genuine thought. In no way at all did I ever think this to be suicide ideation, I just thought this could be a solution to this never ending problem. I can only think that the incident that occurred happened for a reason, to bring me to the realisation that it isn't actually me after all and that there is a way out. I just need a bit of help to keep going on this track as it really is bloody hard.


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sanmagic7

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Re: New and Struggling
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2018, 12:42:38 PM »
hi foxbrown, glad to have you here.

so very sorry for your distress right now.  it sounds like you're quite new to recovery and healing, so i'd like to offer encouragement to keep going, keep posting here, and don't give up.  the distress is real, but it's not necessarily forever.  so many of us are and have been where you are, so we can relate and empathize.

it does get easier as you keep moving forward.  unfortunately, recovery isn't a straight line, and at times it will feel like you're going one step forward and two steps back.  the reality is that we continue to learn and make progress even when the going gets rough. 

i'm glad for your son that he's got you for a parent.  you're breaking the cycle of abuse because of your determination to not repeat what was done to you.  hang tough, fox - we're hangin' right beside you.  sending a warm, caring hug to you if that's all right, and love.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: New and Struggling
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2018, 11:22:09 AM »
Dear fox brown
I hear you, I hear every word you have said ... my story is so similar, both what happened and the injuries we get as a result.
I remember too Ď waking upí to the painful realisation of being an unqualified counsellor for everyone and the feelings that I didnít sign up for that consciously. The aloneness, feeling frightened, flawed and angry were all part of that process of healing and the beginning of a journey to work to start to get seen, get my needs met by others and stop engaging in the behaviour that made me invisible. Itís a process and the biggest thing Iíve learnt so far in cpstd recovery is to work on my self compassion ( speak to myself softly, kindly and lovingly - be my own best friend) . This isnít a natural trait of mine but itís beautiful when I remember to treat myself this way. Not letting ourselves beat ourselves is very important. I believe we wake up to an aspect of our cptsd when the time is right and then we can move forward with solutions and healing. You didnít choose cptsd symptoms and being / feeling alone is an unkind part of the disorder that as we know has its origins in the foo and now as an adult I walk on with that identified. I walk on to create what is natural for human beings to find people who love and care for both themselves and have capacity to be loving to me too . Loving ourselves and having the space to do that away from people who are not nurturing is v important abait can feel v lonely in the processes and for me finding a social group/ something I enjoy can really help to fill the gap whilst I work through.
Quote Ď  I have only been aware of CPTSD for the last 3 months, and I am doing everything I can think of to take care of myselfí. Thank god you now
know, so many of us survivors out there donít know and are stuck in * , sick relationships and addictions. 3 mths is the beginning of your Recovery and you sound to me very aware and focused on doing the best for you and your child. Getting the right support has been so so important for me and having the inner fight to get that despite the awful times Iíve have with my mental health. I live in the U.K. here are things that have helped me : 12 step recovery programmes - there is one called acoa ( adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) itís free and a great support / therapeutic way for cptsd sufferers - see on line for more details. Trauma therapy through the nhs. Trauma therapy through a charity called the Southmead project ( Bristol) . This forum which I found some yrs ago which is truly truly such a wonderful support. Pete w book. Therapeutic art group , medication , time off work , stopping contact with bpd m ( this happened b4 all the above ) and other family members and low contact with narc / passive aggressive f. Oh and letting go of emotionally unavailable partner and since I have had further awareness of my own emotional unavailability and turning to myself more to heal within via support.
Fox it sounds like you went through being horribly triggered with the fear events that were playing through your mind. Itís a horrible place to be having emotional flashbacks and they can play out in all sorts of ways. What can often happen is then the self beating can start when itís being kind and gentle which is needed. P walkers Ď13 steps to manageí can be v helpful and also developing with a t a toolbox of things that would help you at these times.
I wish you all the best on this part of your recovery - be gentle -

X

Ps it may be helpful for you if u wanted to put your post in the Ď new to the forum Ď section where it prob have a better chance of responses







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SE7

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Re: New and Struggling
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2018, 04:52:34 PM »
hi foxbrown, I do hope you come back to this thread soon :) So much of what you wrote sounds so much like my situation! I can relate more than you can possibly imagine.

Be as gentle with yourself right now as possible. You have done a GREAT job at figuring this all out so far! Especially because it is so complex but you have great awareness. You are only in the beginning stages of awareness so it is going to feel hard right now and that's understandable.

It's really easy to get bogged down by how heavy & dark this type of abuse is. I was feeling down on myself today but I realized it helps if I think of anything positive that I have done or that has improved at all, no matter how little it seems.

It's good too if you can track where you're at in this process by writing in a journal. It helps make sense of everything that can otherwise feel very complex.

What is helping me get through all the weirdness is to identify ANY uncomfortable feelings as being an "Emotional Flashback" ... it helps to immediately stop me from emotionally going off the rails. This way everything I'm going through is tucked under this nice, neat little box called an EF and it wipes out a good portion of the confusion that I would otherwise have had in the past. It is one of the 4 trauma responses we are caught in, or a combination of them, that is causing our distressing feelings, either from acute abuse or the aftereffects. That's just my interpretation. That's what I'm telling myself. I feel bad today .. okay, I know what 'this' is though - it's an EF, and it's stuck in Freeze or Flight mode (or whichever).  I will get through this. Then today is a day to go easy on myself. Breathe through it. It will pass!

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Foxbrown

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Re: New and Struggling
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2018, 02:02:00 PM »
Thank you for your replies. Sorry for the delay I have not been able to log in on my phone and post for some reason! But I have been able to read the messages and it has given me great relief to know that all I am going through is a normal part of the recovery. Boatsetsailrose thanks for those tips, I am also in the UK and will check out acoa now.
SE7 I'm so sorry you can relate to my situation, what a horrendous one it is! Do you mind me asking how long you have been aware?

I have confided to 3 close friends this week, all of which I didn't think would take me seriously or want to spend any time talking about me. How wrong was I. I have been thinking my friends don't care about me as I just must be programmed to think that but it couldn't be further from the truth. I have had hugs and support from all of them individually and all of them have said they believe me and will be there for me through anything. I have been completely over whelmed. I even got a bunch of flowers delivered from my best friend with a note thanking me for all of the support ive always given her over the years and that now it's her turn to repay the favour, I'm truly bowled over. I feel terrible for ever thinking they wouldn't support me. I guess I've just never had the courage to ask for it before. There are good people in the world, in my life! I just need to realise not everyone is out to get me.