From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!

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GonzoMom27

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From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!
« on: July 30, 2018, 04:06:50 AM »
I wake up every morning knowing I can handle the terrors that live inside my head. I survive each day knowing the truth. Despite my minds determination to make them feel like more than a memories Iím fully aware thats all they are. However, Iím also aware my mind no longer belongs to me. It belongs to all of them. This is the part I think Tís donít understand; they haunt me. I see them everywhere. Even though I know theyíre not there and the memories are just memories I canít break free of their faces ( even though it been over 5 years since Iíve seen any of them.)
The thing that keeps me up nights is all three of them started as friends, best friends. It wasnít family I couldnít help seeing. They werenít violent strangers. All three of them were welcomed into my life by me. They came at different times in my life when I felt vulnerable. I made it so easy; The situations I put myself in, the things I told them, the way I trusted them completely.
I was 12 when he started threatening me to get me to preform unmentionable acts, he was 19. I was just happy to have someone to talk to. I was 14 and in a prom dress when I learned ďnoĒ doesnít mean anything. I was just happy to have been the youngest girl at prom. I was 15 when I learned people will do just about anything for bragging rights and a $50 bet. I was just happy to have a place to sleep off the drugs I shouldnít have tried.
But like I said, I know Iím going to make it through each day. I know Iím more than a victim. I know as horrible as these experiences were I wonít have to actually relive these things (excluding the FBís). I know enough to put my mind at ease but itís just not. Everywhere I go, every man I see is a reminder that you donít really know anyone, until you do (if that makes sense.) For that reason I have this crushing anxiety that keeps me from leaving my house most days. When my daughter was an infant this wasnít an issue. Sheíll be three soon and Iím running out of excuses to avoid taking her in public. Ive discussed this with many Tís and gotten plenty of suggestions and tools that help take the edge of. Still, More often than not i find myself at home making up excuses to friend and family. Iím scared everyday. I donít want to just ďmake it throughĒ my days anymore.
I apologize for the rant like writing style and the possible triggers. Iím just hoping to get some insight on my situation from someone who wasnít paid to hear my story.

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Eyessoblue

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Re: From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2018, 09:38:17 AM »
Hi there, I totally get what youíre saying. I too have spoken to therapists about this and like you they have given me hundreds of suggestions but what they all fail to understand is it is Ďour mindí and we as individuals are ruled by that. Giving grounding techniques is fine for a few minutes and journaling I do find helpful but it still doesnít change my general mindset.
Iím in Cbt at the moment working with a lovely therapist but she too just doesnít get it. Every day I have to write a mood and event diary of now I feel and what Iím doing, she comes up with suggestions about going out for a walk going to the gym making a cake!! What she is failing to understand is when our mind is full of bad memories and flashbacks continually, how can our mind suddenly change and become full of positive thoughts, it just wonít happen...
The one thing I have found helpful is emdr therapy which does reprocess the bad memories and make life more liveable, not sure if this is something you have tried?  Unfortunately Iím now in a position where lots more flashbacks have come up and I definitely need more emdr but because Iím from the uk and under the nhs you are only allowed one given therapy at a time for 12 weeks then get discharged and have to wait around 3-6 months before being seen again so realistically wonít have that to probably after Xmas now which is so frustrating.
I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I can sympathise with you.

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Deep Blue

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Re: From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2018, 01:28:17 PM »
Hello Gonzomom,
I just wanted to say that what you wrote really struck a cord with me.  All of those who hurt me.... all of them... were those that I let into my life.  I loved them.  They won my love like a prize... then used it against me to cause unthinkable pain.

Iím working through some of the same issues as you.  I carry blame for ďlettingĒ these people enter my life.  Iím trying to shed my blame but itís such a hard process. 

Much love as you sort through this.  I wish I could offer help or suggestions but I hope that just knowing we are in similar boats will be enough for now?

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Kizzie

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Re: From childhood to adulthood does it ever end? TW!!
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2018, 06:48:24 PM »
Hi Gonzo and welcome to OOTS  :heythere: 

 I don't know if the T's you saw discussed this but in most cases processing trauma takes time. When I first found out I have CPTSD and started into recovery I wanted to "rip the bandaid off" but quickly found out it doesn't work that way.

And for good reason when you think about it. 

The wonderfully protective psychological strategies we used when we were traumatized originally are still in place, not only to keep us from re-experiencing intense pain and fear from our past trauma, but to avoid additional traumas.  Unfortunately it also keeps us from living fully in the present and life more fully as you're finding. 

I don't have any strategies to offer beyond what your T's probably have.  I do hope that therapy and posting here will help to release some of the trauma in manageable chunks so you begin to feel less anxiety and are able to do more.

 :hug: