Some Kind of Mental Paralysis

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plantsandworms

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Some Kind of Mental Paralysis
« on: July 30, 2018, 01:50:25 PM »
When I was a kid in the thick of my traumatization, I missed a lot of school due to "sickness." I would be sick to my stomach, often to the point of puking, and would feel so certain that I was going to die that I felt my only option was to hide under the covers in my bed and try to fall back asleep. I know now that the sickness I was suffering from was psychosomatic - brought on by the complete emotional overwhelm I was experiencing in my home circumstances. I had always been at the top of my class in school (I was thrilled to soak in any positive attention from teachers) so my mom let me stay home with this sickness whenever I wanted - which ended up being two or three times per week for YEARS until I finally graduated high school. I would only be able to bring myself to go to school if I felt that there would be significant consequences - like missing an important test that would affect my grade significantly. It's as if I was waiting for the last possible second to break out of my mental paralysis, fueled by fear that overhwelmed the toxic shame and anxiety that kept me from living my life - fear that finally helped me to move my body.

It's an exhausting cycle and it continues to this day. The stomach upset has gotten better, but I still lay in bed waiting for death to strike me when I can't seem to move my body and get to work. When I have deadlines, I am only able to start my work when I feel that any second more of waiting will spell certain doom. I know people call this "procrastination" but I think it really is just my toxic shame and crippling anxiety. I look back and I wish my mom had made me go to school - taught me how to face the anxieties in my life instead of isolating endlessly to avoid them. Or even more, I wish someone had recognized how much I was suffering, how badly I needed guidance in learning how to regulate my emotions and manage my stress.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you work with it? How do you get yourself out of bed? How do you break the cycle?

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Kizzie

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Re: Some Kind of Mental Paralysis
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2018, 06:57:20 PM »
I am amazed you managed to graduate considering all the school you missed!  :thumbup:

It speaks to me about how determined and smart you are so I would encourage you to work with a T on this as you would probably do quite well. Do you have one?

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sanmagic7

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Re: Some Kind of Mental Paralysis
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2018, 10:12:48 PM »
 :yeahthat:

i agree with you about  the concept of procrastination here, by the by.  that may be an umbrella term people use cuz it's convenient and no one has to look too closely for the cause.   i think the shame is that no one explored this with you to find out why you were 'sick' so often.  2-3x/week for years is not normal.

sending love and hugs to you, p&w.  i do hope you find some relief.  even if feeling ill is psychosomatic, the pain and suffering are real. 

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LilyITV

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Re: Some Kind of Mental Paralysis
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2018, 01:49:06 PM »
Yes I completely identify with this.   It is so refreshing to come on this board and see so many people speaking my truth.   I also identify with the feeling "I wish someone had recognized how much I was suffering, how badly I needed guidance in learning how to regulate my emotions and manage my stress."

I also encourage you to enter therapy.  You are so lucky to have the opportunity to work on this at a young age.   

 

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Eyessoblue

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Re: Some Kind of Mental Paralysis
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2018, 12:58:26 PM »
Oh wow, I could have written this myself!! Totally get this and am the same, it really affects me now as my bed is my comfort, my safe place all the time I was Ill people left me alone so I made a habit of being ill and like you got  so stressed and anxious I would actually make myself sick so it looked like I had a bug. But now a days this still follows me and if I donít want to do something I retreat back to bed and hide telling people Iím unwell and leave me alone, all these years later this is still my safe zone and is really unhealthy for me to do this but I canít break that pattern.not sure how to either, but just wanted you to know that I totally get it and can relate.