Alone for 27 years (and ready to change)

[saturnine]

Hey everybody - I signed up for an account a while back and poked around a little but couldn't bring myself to post. That's how I've lived the majority of my life: on the outskirts, never really engaging, fleeting in and out of substitutions for human connection. What's it's given me is a life of utter isolation and I'm so, so ready for that to be different. I've endured several years of abuse at the hands of my primary caregivers and as an adult I'm suffering the consequences.

For most of my adult life, I was completely shut down from my past. I pretended that it all happened to someone ELSE - I used to joke that I was born when I was 18 years old and that's that.  But trauma has a way of roping you back until you finally pay attention to what hurts...and that, for me, was going to school to be a therapist. I suffered all throughout my education as the wallpaper covering my past began slowly peeling away. I attempted suicide a week before my graduation because I knew at the bottom of my heart that I could not help others before I took a look at myself, and looking was going to be too painful. It was a trap that trauma set for me to force me to confront myself and all I'd been hiding.

It's been a few years since then, and after a few more hospitalizations and rock bottoms, I finally started trauma therapy this year. It's been kicking my butt and I'm uncomfortable for virtually every second of it, but I know it's so necessary if I ever stand a chance at living a fulfilling life. The jury is still out as to whether or not I'll ever feel "normal", or if I'll fit in, get married, raise kids of my own....it's all a big question mark, and as I watch the people I grew up with all getting these things, it motivates me that much more to look my trauma in the face so I can move on and have the life I've always wanted. I get to make my own choices now, the first of which being working on myself....followed very closely by building real, honest, intimate relationships. That's my dream. And I'm hoping that with enough work and persistence (and patience and self-care), it can happen. We'll see.

Thanks in advance for the kind welcome

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Saturnine  ...welcome to the group.

You said it well by noting that "trauma has a way of roping you back until you finally pay attention to what hurts..." That's similar to my story. I thought I had a 'grip' on things. I had the good fortune to get caught up in a creative improv acting career for a while, tried to deny my past by literally hiding in my characters. Now on the other side of that life, I find the old trauma wounds have blown right back in. And tamping out all the old flare-ups is so tiring.

Your tendency to isolate and avoid also resonates with me. I too would like to find a way back to connecting again but find it extremely difficult and/or I'm easily discouraged, although I'm also learning that my habit of blaming myself is the wrong tack to take. It's been a rough ride and I feel like it's almost impossible to find any equilibrium anymore. Therapy is helping, and I'm glad to hear you're finding some relief in that direction.

Hope you find this forum a reasonably comfortable place to explore and express as much or as little as you'd like.

[saturnine]

Thanks, woodsgnome. The most unexpected thing about trauma for me was just how strongly it swept back into my life after all this time of lying dormant. It really is like you said, and I feel the tiring part of it too (I type this from the couch, recovering from a particularly hard string of days).

Self-blame is something that comes way too easily for me, and you're right, it's totally a maladaptive habit. I can't help but try to find what it is about ME that keeps me out of healthy relationships. Part of it must be my avoidance and introspective nature, but another part is probably environmental: I haven't found my people yet. I'm hoping that if I take time now to build that atrophied muscle of self-compassion and kindness, I'll open up more naturally and the right people will come by. At least that's the dream - it's what I hope for both of us. May your path begin to smooth out a bit, too.

[Sceal]

Hello!
I'm in a place where alot of words is tricky for me, but I wanted to pop my head around and just say hello.
I hope you'll find this forum to be a safe place for you where you can explore and practice some of what you think is difficult - like trying to reach out and not be so much on the outskirts.
I wish you all the best, and again, welcome!

[saturnine]

Thanks, Sceal! I appreciate the kind words.

[SOS]

Greetings saturnine - I just posted for the first time but wanted to say this to you: I am much older and missed out on SO MUCH in my life, I want to encourage you to keep going with this as I sit here completely alone and lost. Don't let that happen to you! I've pushed everyone away and can't believe what has happened. Embrace LIFE and LOVE. Check yourself for HEALTHY love relationships!

Wishing you the best!

[mourningme]

The most unexpected thing about trauma for me was just how strongly it swept back into my life after all this time of lying dormant.

I could not relate more to your words.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing saturnine I can do relate to all you write and you help me not to feel so alone. I lived in denial /addiction / depression anxiety for so many yrs and didn't know about cptsd. The relief when i found out in my early 40s this is what I've been suffering from and the influence on my choices was huge. I too crashed at university training to be a psyc nurse..
I like you have lived on the outskirts and now I feel that more than ever.. I want growth in this area too. I know I've lost a lot of self confidence and truly  got in touch with just how much low self worth /shame I have inside but I havet come this far to crumble. Your determination is inspiring and this forum is so rich in resources and support from others. I wish you all the v best in the next stages of your recovery and growth

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ps I've done a couple of posts that maybe of help to you..
1) under the tab 'just having a difficult day' about making more connections
2) under the tab 'friends'