Hi, new here

[Starfire60]

Hi I'm a 60 year old women who lost her wife 2 years ago. I had just moved cross country and came home from work to find her dead.  She was all my world, family.

I didn't know I had CPTSD.  My mother was a evil tounge narcissist individual, very fearful and phobic. Everything out of her mouth was a criticism, a put down. I have no memories of comfort from her. My F, my "good parent" sexually abused me starting sometime before 7 years of age. Perhaps I was strange by the time I got to school, fellow students taunted and teased me. More put downs. Lots of fights,ect.

Left home at 14,  heavy into drugs, suicide, others looking to abuse me further. God kept me from the worse of it. Thankfully no record, somehow hung on with the hope it would get better. It would, then I would crash back to the black pit of despair once again. I never told anyone about the constant horror movies that would flash before my eyes. Or that I would be so dizzy, and barely present I would have no idea what they just said to me.  The constant body pains and stomach aches I just lived with. I had this all my life since very young, I thought it was normal.

I played at me being "we", all my childhood, only to find that it was not fanesty, I truly was a "we". For 20 years with my wife, I was pretty happy and stable. Still times of substance abuses, but modified , I loved my wife. We moved state to to state constantly, so no network of friends. No family. Thank God, strangers stood with me when I cremated her.  So I am alone, in a strange place, nouthing to go back to anywhere.

In my grief, the old trauma has come up and demanded attention. I have collapsed. All my parts are loud and risking exposure at work.  I will be talking , fade out then come back to myself and have no idea what was said or what to even say next.  I'm saying weird stuff to my bosses, and my inner child is telling stories to whoever may listen. I have a consuler, who I now see twice a week. It is so very strange that I have the most insight I have ever had into these things, but am the most fragmented ever. I am working as much as I can, so to keep the roof over my head, and work seems to help. I am having a very hard time accepting that my current anxiety sxs have all come from this..so angry..so out of  control.  I don't know what else to do. I'm going to tx and just waiting.  Never been this bad before.wmwxkk

[Geneva]

I'm new to understanding about trauma and grief but just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your loss Starfire 60.

The key part your wife played in your life and her sudden passing certainly makes for huge turmoil and adjustment. Also, 60 is an age where we are often redefining ourselves and there's no real rule book for that - for men or for women.

It's amazing that despite feeling we've got good insight into our situation, our emotions know how to ask for attention when healing is needed. Hope you can lean heavily on your therapist during this time and find your path again.

[Starfire60]

Thank you Geneva for your kind words of encouragement. I really see no path at all right now, but am ok with that.  What I really struggle with, is keeping down manifestations of panic attacks while at work.  I need to work, and not be impaired while doing it.  Most of the time, it is not feelings at all, but rather the physical parts...hot flashes, extreme dizziness with nausea, profuse sweating basically unable to see or hear briefly..  Been to all the medical Drs, and in spite having abused and neglected my health, check out as healthy as a 20 year old.  Not hormones either, did that one over ten years ago and very different. My md offered antidepressants and atarax . I left the antidepressants, and tried the atarax. ..way too sedating.  So I'm working on mindfulness, using my eyes to focus on items in the room ect. Does anyone know of any non sedating calming, legal herbs I can try, because there is no help from my doc.  Or any other methods that have helped.  I also see a acupuncturist and we are address8ng trauma ,held in the body. I am unable to use flotation because I strongly trance and struggle to come back up.