What was love like the 2nd time around?

[mar74]

Hi everyone,

[Kizzie]

Hi Mar, not trying to chase you away or anything but you may get more/better responses at our sister site Out of the FOG as it is specifically for those who have/had relationships with someone with a personality disorder.  Some of us here were traumatized by those with a PD, but not all.

Just a suggestion.

[Kizzie]

You're most welcome    I hope you do get a lot of good feedback/input about this particular topic there - it's certainly an issue for a lot of OOTF members unfortunately   

[SunnyDays]

Supportive, and I miss some very very good things... BUT, I've carried the trauma with me. So we end up as "friends", sometimes hurting each others even without knowing. Specially me AFAIK. SO, I need to be strong. Like the say, wait (and) work for a year and a half away from the couple and also, do therapy and do what you can (take it easy) because you may (I did) make someone you love partially unhappy because of our ghosts,

In my case the problem was still quite around... even today, So, we need to fix ourselves (with help). But the last time around (10 years!). It was lovely in many many regards, there's more than hope. And I look forward for the future to, eventually, enjoy a family again.

[Boy22]

I cant say my first significant relationship was that long, nor was I mature enough to understand his deficits.

Even at that young age it still took a number of years to find the next person who "clicked".

It is now 25yrs on, and we are both still needing to have therapy to work on ourselves.

Life, is a work in progress.

[LilyITV]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship off and on for over 10 years.  It was my first relationship.  I don't know if my boyfriend was a narcissist or not, but he did have some strongly narcissistic traits. 

My biological clock was my saving grace.  Although I wasn't motivated to do better for myself, I felt a deep responsibility toward my future children.  I couldn't bear the thought of this man treating my children the way he treated me.  I also couldn't bear the thought of forgoing motherhood to stay with this man.  So, I cut off from him completely.

In the next two years, I took a wholly different approach toward relationships.  It was very business-like.  I didn't know I suffered from C-PTSD or any other mental illness at the time, but I knew that I could not trust my intuition when it came to romantic relationships--My C-PTSD comes from childhood physical and emotional abuse.  My search for a husband became very impersonal, almost like a job interview. 

I quickly met up with my husband and we've been married for 10 years now.  Yes I loved him, but in a very detached way.  At times I wondered if I actually did love him.  After 10 years I can say that yes, I do love him in mind and in spirit. 

My husband is a good guy and wholly different from my ex-boyfriend.  However, I always think of the saying "water always finds its own level" when I think about our relationship.  Our relationship has stood the test of time, but I've noticed some of the same traits in my husband as I noticed in myself.  His upbringing was very similar to mine and I wonder if he also suffers C-PTSD.  As I travel on the path to recovery, I wonder if our relationship will survive if he does not get help.  Like me, he grew up in a culture where there is an ignorance and distrust of therapy. 

But all in all, I do think my story is a hopeful one.  In my first relationship, I feel like I was lost and my ex boyfriend was lost.  In this one, I feel like both me and my husband have been deeply wounded, but we're both trying to become better people.  It feels kind of fated in a way. 

[saturnine]

I hesitate to post this because I don't want to give you a negative impression of what finding love will be like! I'll just say it's different for everyone, but here's my experience.

I was with the same guy since I was 15, too - we were together for 10 years before I realized how totally unhealthy it was. He struggled with the same issues as my F and he was emotionally checked out 100% of the time around year 2 or so. The writing was on the wall and I should have seen it, but my fear of being alone was grandiose. My entire family is toxic and I had no friends...I relied on him for so much. I'm surprised I had the courage to call it off when I did - my whole world crumbled.

It took a couple years to truly move past it, but love the second time around has been challenging to say the very least. I'm with someone who I can't stand and who I have strong feelings for at the same time. I go every day vacillating between thinking he's the worst and feeling fondness for him. He perpetually disappoints me and yet I stick around because I deeply believe another person won't come around again for a long time and I fear being totally alone. I still have no friends, my family is still toxic...so I put up with things a lot of other partners wouldn't because of my predicament.

My previous relationship falling apart changed my trust in the world and my trust in myself. Loving again has been excruciating. But I bet it would be a lot less difficult if I could just wait until I found the truly right person for me. The person I'm currently with isn't it, but I can't stand the thought of being alone for another week, much less another few years. If you can stand to be alone, it pays to be more discerning I think. The more choosy you are the second time around, the better the love will feel.