I was in an emotionally abusive relationship off and on for over 10 years. It was my first relationship. I don't know if my boyfriend was a narcissist or not, but he did have some strongly narcissistic traits.
My biological clock was my saving grace. Although I wasn't motivated to do better for myself, I felt a deep responsibility toward my future children. I couldn't bear the thought of this man treating my children the way he treated me. I also couldn't bear the thought of forgoing motherhood to stay with this man. So, I cut off from him completely.
In the next two years, I took a wholly different approach toward relationships. It was very business-like. I didn't know I suffered from C-PTSD or any other mental illness at the time, but I knew that I could not trust my intuition when it came to romantic relationships--My C-PTSD comes from childhood physical and emotional abuse. My search for a husband became very impersonal, almost like a job interview.
I quickly met up with my husband and we've been married for 10 years now. Yes I loved him, but in a very detached way. At times I wondered if I actually did love him. After 10 years I can say that yes, I do love him in mind and in spirit.
My husband is a good guy and wholly different from my ex-boyfriend. However, I always think of the saying "water always finds its own level" when I think about our relationship. Our relationship has stood the test of time, but I've noticed some of the same traits in my husband as I noticed in myself. His upbringing was very similar to mine and I wonder if he also suffers C-PTSD. As I travel on the path to recovery, I wonder if our relationship will survive if he does not get help. Like me, he grew up in a culture where there is an ignorance and distrust of therapy.
But all in all, I do think my story is a hopeful one. In my first relationship, I feel like I was lost and my ex boyfriend was lost. In this one, I feel like both me and my husband have been deeply wounded, but we're both trying to become better people. It feels kind of fated in a way.