Virtually always dissociated?

[samantha19]

I have these very rare experiences where I feel "real again." It's hard to describe in logical terms.
It's like most of the time I feel disconnected from myself and from experiencing my life inside of me. It's almost like I'm outside of myself, but that doesn't make logical sense and obviously I'm physically not.
A rare occasion of feeling like "me" again was a time I got really upset about things that happened in the past but sort of acknowledged them instead of being disconnected and away from it all. Then I felt like "I" was back. I felt connected to who I was in the past. I felt like the same person that lived my past memories, like those were my memories and experiences.
Usually I rationally know that but I don't really feel it or something I guess?
It made me realise what I enjoy and what I want to do a bit more as I felt that. Like that I was a sporty person. I loved sports when I was a lot younger, really did, but haven't done or enjoyed them in many, many years.
I'm realising and becoming aware again recently that I'm not in this state of being "me." It feels like I'm wasting my life if I'm not really living it but always kind of gone from myself?
I want to get back from that. But at the same time I don't know how to just deal with all my really tough emotions about all the things that happened, by myself. I'm looking into therapy but it's hard to find complex PTSD treatment, struggling to find a therapist for that in this country and I want an actual CPTSD one so I'm being guided more instead of making my own treatment plan (cause I'm not a professional and all that).
Bit of a ramble here. I just really want to come back to myself. Even right now I just feel so numb, so so numb.
It's so hard to describe but what I want is that feeling I remember:
Being involved in my life. Experiencing emotions. Feeling like myself. Feeling like all the one person with a full set of memories that connect to me. Having my own inner voice and some sort of good / neutral relationship with myself.

It sounds so basic - and it is! It's normal, right? But not for me right now.

Not to be self-pitying, just realising some things - which is good. It all motivates me to get better.

[Faker]

Hi,  I read your post and feel for your desire to be connected and not disconnected to yourself.  Dissociation has been my means of survival since I was 12 when my brother was murdered.  Disconnecting allowed us to survive but at a very high price. At this point in my life, I am reconnecting and it is very painful because I have to accept things I never wanted to accept and feel things I have avoided my whole life.

As I looked for an appropriate trauma-informed therapist I did a lot of research.  It is one of the ways I parent myself and take responsibility for me.  I recommend: "Complex CPTSD, From Surviving to Striving" and "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma".  I have also found research into internal family systems therapy to be helpful as well.

I just watched a YouTube from South Pacific Private called "Complex CPTSD, From Surviving to Striving" that was fairly good.  Doing this research gives me a sense of empowerment which is helpful in taking on the often overwhelming task of recovery from complex developmental trauma.  I hope this helps and that you can find a good therapist.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi,

I feel this way mostly all the time. Only very very rarely, and actually only since I found out about cptsd, do I "remember" my old self.

That amazing feeling of remembering positive things and feeling positive sadly didn't last long for me. I think it was a matter of minutes. Then the kind of shame I feel for wasting my life kicked in again very quickly and took it all away again 

I want to work hard to get that memory of myself back but I have been out of my own picture for so long now I know it's not going to be quick or easy and actually I have to accept the possibility it might never happen again for me.