Attracting more people

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
I'm so so sick of feeling lonely... Feeling this way because well because I am lonely. On one hand its good because I want friends want closer connections bad because I'm sick of trying and getting nowhere. What happens then is I reach points like today where I just feel hopeless on top of lonely and easily can slide into self hatred.
I just can't see how I'm going to heal in this area. I can't stand how isolated I am. Don't get me wrong I take lots of action do various groups, but activities be open and  push myself but I just don't make the kind of connections I want. I know people like me so I know the problem is with me. I just have no idea how to change it. Its like a wall needs to come down but I don't have  sledge hammer.
Any experience / suggestions welcome please. How do I make friends.. Is it about Con sistency- changing my attitude, being seen more/less, developing more confidence, being myself, having/being  things that  people want?
How do I sell myself? Be the kind of person people say 'I want to be her friend. Some people seem to have it and me I don't what is it I'm missing? Cause I just don't know?
But I want to know in want more people in my life!! I really do I want change
All help things that have helped you greatly received

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I really understand where you're coming from with this. Sometimes I feel so alienated like I'm with a big group of my friends but it's like I'm in a separate zone to them and feel like I can't connect, it's both scary and isolating, which I know are common symptoms of cptsd.
My therapist has suggested that maybe I have too much time on my hands without enough activity to keep my brain active so in turn I'm at home thinking about what I'm not able to do and how I don't fit in etc. She's suggested I do one or 2 mornings volunteering work just to get me out and my mind focussed also as it's only 'volunteering ' I'm not a reliable paid member of staff and I'm the one doing them the favour so basically if it doesn't work out I can just leave without having the pressure that I've got to perform well etc but at the same time hoping I'll meet some other people that I might be able to relate to but if I can't then it's not a problem- about removing the pressure to do well and please people.
I think with cptsd we try too hard to fit in, almost trying to cover up what's going on and how we are feeling so we seem 'normal' to everyone else. You can only be yourself so don't give yourself the extra pressure of trying to be like them etc, we are all unique in our own ways. You were a nurse so that to me suggests you are very caring and empathetic, sometimes people like to just sit and off load, maybe that's where your skill lies and you can just take time listening to other people and offer advice when required rather then having to 'try' too hard which is definitely something I do.
I don't think you need to sell yourself, people will like 'you' for 'you' . You don't need to be anything else, I feel maybe you are trying so hard to fit in it's actually having the opposite effect- I speak from experience of this too.
Now I just go out and not give myself any pre conceived ideas, I'm just me and people can choose if they like me or not, if I relate well to someone then I will make extra effort with them without going over the top which I have done before and think I've almost come across as desperate which again can have a negative affect and turn people away. It's good you manage to get out and do activities etc and I think friendship will come, just give it time.
Sorry, I hope you don't think I'm giving you a lecture on what to do etc, I really don't mean to sound like that, but I have been in that situation so many times, but now I've taken a step back and not tried to be so 'desperate ' I find I fit in a lot more with people. It's really tricky tho isn't it, trying so hard is totally exhausting!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi blue thank you for your reply I don't feel you are giving me a lecture. You raise good points I saw that today when I was out with the adventure grp people just being themselves warts and all. we all have assets and flaws.
I spoke with my t last week about it and I got the idea to find something I'll enjoy with the same people (cause a lot of the groups I do are v big and the people change. Now I'm not nursing I have a chance of regular times off. Good to hear about the volunteering and ideas of areas u may be interested in?
I also can relate to too much time thinking on problems and me! I get bored of myself
It's that balance isn't it as I can exhaust so quickly too.
Today was fun big group of us playing rounders and I felt the shame of cptsd and said yes but your not really who I am

[SE7]

I'm asking the same question. I feel like it's too late for me. I've kind of given up at this point. I just feel like the damage has been done. I don't think I ever stood a chance of knowing how to relate to most people, being raised in a completely narcissistic home. I'm in the minority (meaning, the introverted one or just different one) in every social circle I've ever been in. I've had friends plenty of times before, but nothing ever lasts over the long term. Something always goes wrong, or I go through another phase of a changing identity so I'm not able to keep the same people in my life. I could go out there and try again, but this time I don't feel like putting myself out there. I've already been there, done that too many times to count. I just left a recovery group online because I felt rejected, like there was some bad vibe going on behind the scenes after one person was mean to me. Sometimes the paranoia about it is warranted, sometimes probably not. I don't know how to get past this or to have relationships with people in general anymore. I'm grateful for at least one friend in my life, but when you spend most of your time isolated outside of that because no marriage, no kids, no contact with narc. family ...  I'm just tired of trying and failing.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi hear.you se7 I really do..
Somehow I can't give up but I understand how easy it is to....
Self. Compassion and love appear to. Be the answers x

[Sceal]

In my city there are meet-ups for people who want to get to know new people. Because of different circumstances, new town, new country, loneliness etc. Maybe you can check out if there's something similar where you guys are?
Or how about checking out if there are some smaller clubs/events happening at the local library?
If you know someone you'd like to connect more with, perhaps invite them for lunch or coffe?

I struggle with this too, I struggle connecting deeply with people. Or daring to talk to new people, because I never know what to say and as for small-talk I am not good at it. But what I try to remember and tell myself is that "I am not cPTSD. I have cPTSD. I am so much more." and when I'm hanging out with people, I rather want to be the so much more part. Although, I will tell people "I have a difficult day, is it okay if I come over and we'll just drink coffee?" Or that I just need a break from my head if they are around. But again this is with the two people I've known for most of my life. New people I just ask for a cup of coffee.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi sceal
Thank you for sharing and your suggestions.. Oh my I love meet up it is my saving grace.. Its become v popular here in the UK. I've been with a walking and hiking grp for 3 yrs it is so good. I do have friends there but like you say 'connecting deeply'. Its the kind of friend that pops to. My house or I to. There's that I'm missing the friends that replace family. This wk end I asked 2 women whilst out walking if they wanted to go to. The cinema and they do so that was good. Its important to remember we are growing hey and I believe all areas of cptsd can be improved

[sigiriuk]

Hi Boatsetsailrose
I hear you. It has only been in the last 6 months that I have seen a glimmer that I am not alone....at 56. I reckon abuse makes a child cut themselves off completely. It was tough for me to begin the process of reversing this, becuase I had to learn new skills on how to deal with people, and I had to put myself in situations where I would meet people....even AA, and Over-eaters anonymous! I wasnt proud.
Like you it's tough to admit feeling lonely, but it's also very courageous to do so.
Slim X

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi slim
Thank you for your reply...
Yes going against the grain requires a big push in many ways...
I'm in Aa too and it certainly teaches me how to be and interact with people.
The positive is these days I 'want to be with people, I don't really like doing things on my own so much. This is really progress as I used to prefer being on my own and did so many things alone not thinking anything of it....
We change, we grow sometimes steps back but that's OK as long as generally its forward

[Phoebes]

Oh man I really relate to this right now. SE7, your post is exactly how I feel too. Over time, it seems everything I do fizzles or I mess myself up somehow. I've become so isolated, I realize I can't go on like this. It's really messing with my head, and health. I signed up for a ONE day workshop coming up soon to get out and change the energy. I'm already feeling better about it. I don't know if I'll make true connections, but who knows. I've lowered the expectation.

I have one group that I have remained in. I don't really see my friends there outside of the group. Everyone's busy. But I do have some emotional issues related, and sometimes I don't want to go, even though it's good for me. I really want someone there to understand where I'm coming from, but they don't.

I tried a group recently where I met someone who I felt like could be a good friend and healthy influence. She basically stated she's an introvert. So am I, I told her. We texted a bit but she has not reached out, and really indicated she is not one for social time..lol..I felt like we had a lot in common, but nothing since then.

I struggle with groups with the intention of "meeting people", because "people" don't understand CPTSD or N abuse. If I ever even start to open up or struggle, it's the cliche, well-intentioned, misunderstandings that drive me away.

I continue to feel alone and become more and more discouraged that it will ever change.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi phoebe's thank you for sharing. I remember a therapist saying to me the relational part of healing is often the hardest for people with trauma.. Makes sense hey.. People do the injury.
I def feel that the more I heal inside and develop my self compassionate ways, self worth and confidence I stand a better chance. People pick up on neediness I think I know I do and I loved what eyes so blue said earlier in this post about that and I think learning to relax into ourselves/ be ourselves and not try  too hard are good ways..
All humans are flawed and the only difference between me and the next person is that they prop have a higher sense of self worth... Maybe
I think recognising our qualities and what we have to offer people is important also what someone has to offer me are they able?
I won't reside myself to loneliness
Another good thing my sponsor has suggested is ask people to do things I did that asking a couple of women if they would be up for coming to the cinema they genuinely seemed pleased to be asked. Maybe doing like this is less intense for people than 1-1. We are all protecting ourselves from hurt I reckon and 1-1 has to feel right for both parties.