EF or Dissociation??

[Stormwolf]

Hey everyone-

So I'm not sure if I have EFs or if I dissociate. Or both, could be both. It happened again last night. Iwas watching my husband play an online game and we were listening to music. A particular song came on that we both like, but it does have a link to my past, during some rough times in high school. Haven't actually heard this song in a very long time. I noticed after the song that a fog came around me. Nothing seemed real. I felt like reality was an illusion and I was going to wake up at any second, right back in the situation I used to be in while living in Virginia.  I felt like I had a wall separating me from everything.  I felt like I could pull myself out of this, but I didn't know which "direction" to head in. Like I was going to hit a glass wall and not be able to break through it. Worse, it felt like if I did break through it, I would go directly into a panic attack. My husband tried to help- sometimes touching (massage, or just cuddling), joking around and getting me to laugh, or a complete redirect into something else helps. Not last night though. I'm still spacey even at the moment.

Thing is, there doesn't always seem to be a trigger. Ican be talking to people, slip into my head, and completely miss things. It can last a few seconds or hours. Sometimes I can pull myself back into this reality, sometimes (like right now) it becomes a waiting game. My mind can wander off at times and create different scenarios in my head to ponder, a bunch of different "what ifs?" that I know are just my imagination and can usually stop with effort.  I don't know what to make of it. Any ideas?

[Anamiame]

Great question.  I'd like to see what others here respond.  I'm still not sure. 

This I know for me...strong emotions out of nowhere, I think are EFs and I can't always figure out where they are coming from.  However, in therapy, my T will ask me a question and it's not comfortable for me or elicits emotions I don't want to feel and one minute I will be thinking of the answer and then, WHAM! I can't remember the question, all feelings are gone and 'I'm done.'  I mean, I can't get it back.  It's just gone.  She'll ask the question again, but it doesn't matter because I'm 'gone.' 

[schrödinger's cat]

Do you think this could be something like a flashback-prevention system? I've no idea, I'm just wondering about my own episodes of being spaced out or unable to focus on things. Like the two of you, I'm just not sure what it even is. It's hard to tell if there's even any specific trigger to it - after all, I'm unable to concentrate, often unable to even remember what's been going on. But a few times, I noticed that it happened when I'm shying away from topics that are linked to my trauma. Like a joint dislocating when there's too much pressure put on it. Or like a protective kind of Freeze response? Your mind sees another painful flashback or even a re-injury coming, or maybe it's just simply too emotionally exhausted to protect you adequately, so it flings you into a protective fog? Would that make sense?

[Butterfly]

Is disassociation part of having an EF? A falling back to our 4F response?

For the sticky post what does it feel like

Derealization - the world around you seems unreal, and/or seems vague, dreamlike, lacking in vividness, emotional colouring and depth; feeling separated from the outside world by a fog, a pane of glass, or a veil; familiar places suddenly look alien and bizarre

[Stormwolf]

I'm really not sure. Everything everyone has said makes sense to a degree... I think Butterfly's idea about derealization might hit closest to home. Thoughts on it?

[voicelessagony2]

I've experienced derealization, the way Butterfly quoted, once, in a way that was so powerful and frightening that I will probably always remember it. It was during a time of intense, dramatic trauma.

EFs, however, I experience quite often. My boyfriend has a certain tone to his voice when he is annoyed, and every time he uses that tone, I feel like a 3 year old getting screamed at, and I cannot bring myself out of it.

I also have an extremely strong reaction to music. There are songs or musicians that are my *favorite* during an intense relationship, and once the train wreck happens, I can NEVER again listen to that music without emotions taking completely over me. It's like time travel. Emotionally, the wounds are fresh and raw, even after 3 or 4 years have passed. And it takes a long time to shake. I would consider that an EF.

[Butterfly]

Stormwolf, you also said 'there doesn't always seem to be a trigger' but the thing with triggers is we don't always regcognize or notice them. Subtle things like background noise or passing smell can set off something in the brain.

EF feels different to everyone and each of us has different EF at different times. The sticky post is really helpful information gathered from many in the group and continues to evolve as others have thoughts to add.

[Ladybug]

Hi Stormwolf-

To me it sounds like dissociation. I suffer from it 24/7. Always in a fog.

[sasha~]

That derealization is a kind of dissociation, I think. I've always called it "reverse deja vu" because it's like none of this ever happened before and nothing looks familiar - or it looks far away and foreign. Most of the time I can't tell what triggered me, because triggers tend to be buried really quickly in my brain. My brain hides them, so figuring them out is really difficult and a lot of times it seems like there was no real trigger that I can point to, but there must have been.  I've also noticed that when I start getting close to something important (like when talking or in therapy) my head will be like a helium balloon on a string and I can feel myself letting go of the string. It used to happen in a flash, and I had no control or awareness. Now (after 2+ years of weekly therapy with a trauma T) I at least can start to tell, and sometimes as for help. It's a little like being at the top of one of those really huge waterslides and when you start going down the first few feet or so, you can still stop yourself by holding on to the sides or bracing yourself. Sometimes I can catch it there or pause there long enough to ask for help, but if I go too far down the slide it's too late and all I can do is wait until I get to the bottom. That's a babystep though. Recognizing it is a babystep because there was probably a time we didn't recognize it - it just happened.