Self-referencing

[schrödinger's cat]

That sounds VERY interesting. How did you do it?

[Rrecovery]

I used Bradshaw's "Homecoming" as my guide.  I did all the exercises to the hilt and talked with my Inner-child everyday for years.  So worth it 

[schrödinger's cat]

Ordered it. Thanks for the recommendation!

[Rrecovery]

Great!  Let me know how it goes 

[Cottonanx]

This is an incredible post. I am sure I will reread it many times. Will I be able to move my own personal piano out of the hallway?

My parents were intense and overwhelming. "You WILL do things our way." My emotional survival depended on accepting their view whether it was right (as it sometimes was) or not.

And it's true, I fall apart at the slightest criticism, because I have based my self-worth on what other people think of me. And it's true that I think in terms of "should" and "ought to." I LOVE the idea of cleaning my house because it would be pleasant for me to live in a clean house. Also, exercising because it's pleasant to use my muscles, and eating right because it's pleasant to feel good about food. And if I do want to curl up in the fetal position under a blanket with a bowl of ice cream, well, that's fine, too. I'm not responsible for what other people think of that.

I got married largely because I wanted to have sex, and my parents had told me not to have sex outside of marriage. All these years later, I wonder about living alone. But, I do love my husband--a lot--so I think it would be better to think about it like, I work and make a home to please my husband not because my self-worth depends on it, but because I love him and it makes me happy to see him happy. This makes a big difference!

[farfromthetree]

This is an incredible thread. I can relate to all of it. I was wondering about a definition of self-referencing, though, and could not find it in the CPTSD glossary on this board. Can someone define it for me? I like definitions. lol.

P.S. I was referred to this specific thread by someone on the OOTF board (the sister board to this one.) I'm glad I was!

[farfromthetree]

I used Bradshaw's "Homecoming" as my guide.  I did all the exercises to the hilt and talked with my Inner-child everyday for years.  So worth it 

I just ordered this book. Thank you

[M]

Thank you, Cat.  This is what I was hoping for in joining.  Self referencing - yes!  I have been studying for two and a half years but have not come across this in this exact form.  The first book I read was Waking the Tiger.  It was given to both my ex-husband and I by our counselor.  I read it, he probably didn't...but he hid it from me so I bought my own copy.
Now when I make my to do lists, I too will write into them the self affirmations that you describe.
M wants to take H to the eye doctor.
M wants her cats to have their supplements.
...M wants to go swimming!
I threw in that last one because when I make the list your way, it becomes easier to see how much I am still living for others needs and how much or little I am giving myself.
Thank you again.  I will be having a much better day because of this.
M
ps Thank you all for the little icons.  I feel like starting every post with this , and ending every post with this  .  I hope they come through.

[OpenSkyBlue]

What a wonderful thread! Thanks so much.

For me, I grew up with not abusive parents, but oblivious ones. I don't think it really occurred to them that anything other than feeding and dressing me was necessary to parent. No one ever spoke about what I would do once I grew up, where I would apply for college (even with my excellent grades), or how to deal with the usual social conflicts and politics of children and teens. I remember often feeling like I was just floating around in the world. I wasn't permitted to have needs or worries. I remember as a very young child realizing that it was bad to cry in front of my mother, because it only annoyed her. Most of my childhood I spent alone, as I was the youngest and my siblings left as soon as they could.

So, I learned pretty quick that pleasing people, agreeing with them, finding some common interest or opinion was how to be connected to them. I can be a real pro at this. In fact, I don't even have to think about it; I just enter a room and start reading people and aligning myself.

I loved your thread -- and I really mean that -- because it helped me understand how I got this way. The piano in the hallway is such a spot on metaphor for how I feel much of the time. What do I feel? Think? Want? Those feel like my to do list items.

But, no one actually gets to know me! And that includes myself. Now, I activel try to NOT do this.

[farfromthetree]

Is self-referencing simply referring to yourself in the third person?   

[woodsgnome]

A huge thank you, CAT...

Your post represents a big reason I joined here...to find others who've been on the trail and who choose to communicate their discoveries on our common yet individualized journeys as we search for ways around that "piano in the hallway" blocking our steps to the door and into the sunshine.

My own steps feel a little lighter, at long last, for having been here. Thanks again.

[Kizzie]

Hi Far - self-referencing refers to thinking about what you need/feel/think/want ..... instead of others.  Many of us with CPTSD have had to focus on others, meeting their needs, watching for danger .... so much so that we aren't in tune with ourselves and need to start to begin to consider ourselves in order to recover.

Hope this helps.

[farfromthetree]

Hi Far - self-referencing refers to thinking about what you need/feel/think/want ..... instead of others.  Many of us with CPTSD have had to focus on others, meeting their needs, watching for danger .... so much so that we aren't in tune with ourselves and need to start to begin to consider ourselves in order to recover.

Hope this helps.

Yes this helps. Interestingly, this is something I've already been doing for thirty years, ever since attending ACOA groups. My problem is that once I got married, I didn't know how to become more group-minded. I'm always thinking what I need first -- I feel as though I can never make up enough for being other-minded as a kid.

So now after 24 years of marriage, this old dog is still learning new tricks. Now I'm trying to figure out how to be self-referencing and also couple-minded. I guess the path never ends...lol

[PaintedBlack]

What an awesome thread.  This helped me make a huge next step in healing from chronic depersonalization!

I read this thread Friday morning and Friday night I fell asleep reading CPTSD:FSTT.  Saturday morning I woke up AS USUAL from a nightmare AS USUAL in a wicked EF.  Immediately I used self-compassion and told myself it was an EF and some other things from the book and it went away, before I got out of bed!

Here's the really cool part.  The term self referencing came to mind.  As I lay there and thought about the world around me, when I was starting to drift back into EF, I psychologically brought my mind back to myself.  Every time thinking about self-referencing.  I've never done this but it MADE SO MUCH SENSE!

In chronic DP/DR (depersonalization/derealization disorder) we see the world sort of as a movie, in 2D, as if we are bystanders not in our own body.  I have progressed where I am not depersonalized any more, from a PHYSICAL and SENSES standpoint, but adding this self-referencing aspect is sort of like PSYCHOLOGICALLY re-personalizing!

For the first time, I myself, body and MIND AND SPIRIT, were part of the movie.  My eyes are in the center of the action.  *I* am the center of the action.  My being is the the center of my world (not everyone else, like you listed in the causes).  This has been truly HUGE for me, I thank you for this post and I will be rereading it a lot.

As I was cleaning house yesterday on the radio came Grateful Dead "Eyes of the World".  I've heard it a million times but the chorus especially took on new meaning.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
the heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin' brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenin's and songs of its own.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.

Thanks for the epiphany!   

[Rrecovery]

For the first time, I myself, body and MIND AND SPIRIT, were part of the movie.  My eyes are in the center of the action.  *I* am the center of the action.  My being is the the center of my world (not everyone else, like you listed in the causes).  This has been truly HUGE for me, I thank you for this post and I will be rereading it a lot.

Thank you so much for sharing!  Yay!  Beautiful.  Another victory; another one of us has landed in the center of their own being