Hello! Another fellow with CPTSD :S

Started by SunnyDays, August 11, 2018, 01:30:25 AM

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SunnyDays

Hello,

    I'm "Sunny", and new here (as you may already guess :) ).

     And finally, finally, this year, I became familiar with this problem... *relief*
     I was finally able to understand it just about 2 months ago.


Thanks to many persons that went thru quite similar problems I was able to understand things like my panic attacks (way back in the 2000s) and my general current general anxiety. I've bought From Surviving to Thriving, and What's wrong with you Dad? And I've seen *tons* of selected videos. Along with a deep introspection (a sincere one).

     I'm being always monitored by a counsellor (for years and years) it is a need. But, is hard to explain the issue to them, or they don't *really* get it. So I'm considering switching to a more specialized place. (PTSD, neuroscience-oriented places)

     Being able to *know* that I was a target of abuse...and I currently struggle with Complex Post Traumatic Syndrome is such a relief, there's hope for a better future. Because anxiety + some medicines (as a consequence) is crippling. And can't sustain a job, even when I'm capable. So I want to turn the tide for good. I have no friends (you know real friends), I've been married for 15 years until 2010... I thought things will get better but no, I was in my mother's house (yes, I still quite a bit feel shame too having 41 years old!) along with my grandmother (81).

- In my case, CPTSD generated a lot of problems, being the most evident anxiety and fear. (Thankfully years ago I was able to ''''handle''' a bit the guilt.

Anyway, I was wrongly prescribed by a familiar at in my 20s with a typical benzodiazepine, and now I'm struggling to drop it (in a healthy and monitored way by a physician).

I just need a human touch (talk, laugh, share) and a job that so I can leave alone and start the recovery. I'm still here, feeling stuck, but deep down I know I'm not.

Thanks for reading this story! I hope I was clear.
Sunny

Oh! My apologies if my English is not good enough, or rusty :S

Luke57

Hi Sunny. I am brand new to this site also. I'm 61 years old and have struggled all my life with the effects of the abuse and abandonment I was exposed to as a child ( anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, self-hatred, etc. ). I have had difficulty keeping jobs and have gotten myself in a lot of trouble, mainly from abusing alcohol and drugs. Although I have had some counseling, I was generally labelled as having ADHD and being depressed. Most of the mis-diagnosis was due to my denial about my childhood abuse and not wanting to talk about it cause I thought it was all my fault.


Then in the early 2000's I worked with a very competent therapist who was able to help me recognize the truth about my childhood as well as to open up and grieve about the damage done. That started me on a path of recovery that has not been fast or easy, but has been worth it.


I have been prescribed all kinds of medications over the years. Every time I try to stop or change meds I have a mental meltdown and feel unable to cope with life. Now I accept that I'm probably going to need to stay on medication for the rest of my life. I'm thankful to have that help rather than suffer the effects of overpowering anxiety that causes me to isolate from friends and others who can help me.


Good luck on your journey and on finding the support you need.

SunnyDays

Hello BeHea1thy,

First of all, thank you to all of you, I'll reply personally later.
As I'm currently trying to literally "escape" from the stuck situation that I'm in (once more).

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I'm glad that you see support in terms of talking, laughing and sharing. We do that too! Parts of the forum are dedicated exclusively to non-trauma experiences and the regular "stuff" of living.
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Yes, it I may sound fun and too optimistic, it's because because in the moment I wrote that I was getting huge news about a place where I can live... *breathe* , and be able to recover and focus on jobs, study (I need to constantly adapt because software is evolving at such a fast rate) to work in peace (where I am I can even have 15 minutes of peace, and I really miss that feeling). And can't study, nor do the work I used to do, or have friends...
So, there was momentum and that gave me courage to share with peers. And I was happy to see there're peers here where we can support each other.


Oh, and I didn't want to make a "drama" impression in my very first post, because that's not who I really am... that's what my family do and I don't want to imitate them. This problem is extremely serious for me, and complex (no pun intended) at this very moment. I'll try to be always sensitive where I post and what I post with trigger warnings and respect. It's something automatic since one can see each other even if they are in different situations... but abuse is abuse always. And we can feel the pain.


This post was written after a huge "a-ha" moment months ago. It may seem fast, but I really need to connect and that gave me the required desired to overcome any barrier. That and because of my therapy, back in 2000s. And the "real", more serious one in 2010, from both sides psychological and psychiatric, sometimes 2 times a week.


I didn't want to suffer any more, and knew there was an advance both in science and knowledge on this kind of topics (cognitive therapy for example), so that gave me enthusiasm... although I don't feel my therapists really "get it". Of course, I will continue with both approaches but I may switch to a more specialized professionals.  This peer-to-peer forum, and the books I read are simply a must.


The situation is complex, I'm stuck in my dysfunctional family, living with both perpetrators. It's amazing how they can follow you wherever you go, work, friends, lovers and they even try to contact my therapist (which can't say anything about me but it feels uncomfortable nevertheless).

My little room is my inner sanctum, but they've hidden the key. Thankfully I've got it back, but the peace I felt once in life, is still missing.


Sorry for the long post, I'll try to make them better and approachable.


Thank you for the warm welcome!
SunnyDays (glad you like the name :) )

SunnyDays

Hello Luke!

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...struggled all my life with the effects of the abuse and abandonment I was exposed to as a child ( anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, self-hatred, etc. ). I have had difficulty keeping jobs

Oh yes... even when we are extremely capable of doing things we are programmed or traumatized and break down if we don't have the tools. Fortunately, we have them.

Yes, one medicine after another... in my case from the "classic" Xanax-like (benzo) 4-hours window for years, then Clonazepam (12-hours window)... because when I was 18-19 I've suffered from the first panic attack, in the middle of the street thinking and feeling that I was going to die (and all that horror jazz)--.
So they (my toxic parents) called a cheap ambulance and "gave me" that terrible drug, so addictive!

My family (I was living there) denied the problem and never went to a therapist, so after years of Xanax it became a must for the bodie... and there are no positive effects since a looong time ago, only withdrawal effects.

Nowadays I can handle it way better. A few years ago I've been prescribed with Pregabalina which *in some cases* helps me to reduce the withdrawal symptoms and stop the benzo.
Please anybody who read this: don't harm yourself, and take only what your doctor tells you. I've seen it, no 2 bodies are the same!

Anyway, keeping a job was terrible like you said, but I feel things are going to improve. Today I'll restart the University and in September I'll move into my own little apartment, and then I will accept a fulltime work (I have too many requests),
But I want and need to feel ok first.

I know I may have to take medication all my life, but I want to improve my day to day life standard. We all deserve that.

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Then in the early 2000's I worked with a very competent therapist who was able to help me recognize the truth about my childhood as well as to open up and grieve about the damage done.

That encourages me to try harder to find a good one. One who understands Complex Abuse. I'm very glad for you, and that statement alone gave me more faith that I will find one.
...
Good luck on your journey and on finding the support you need.
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Thank you!! I know you mean it!

Let's enjoy life, thanks for sharing your story...
We're all in this together.

Sunny
P.S.: I'm not from the States, but trust me, this happens everywhere in the same way, it's like a modus operandi written in stone, isn't it?
We can.

Luke57

Hi Sunny,

Thanks for the encouraging response. I haven't posted for several days cause I've been dealing with "stuff". Life sometimes throws some unexpected twists and turns at you. These days I try to look at the unexpected as learning experiences - as a chance to get stronger. When I'm having a rough time, I try to remember that things will get better and I just try to ride it out.

I hope things go well for you at the University. And its exciting to hear that you are getting an apartment soon. Having your own place can give you a new sense of independence and freedom. I agree with you that feeling ok with yourself is very important. No matter what else is going on when I "get that", then everything else seems to fall into place. You know what? I believe that we are all ok right now, no matter what was done to us and no matter how big the obstacles seem to be in front of us.

Thank you for sharing your story about your struggles with meds.

Luke