Procrastination - What Holds Me Back?

[Hope67]

Procrastination – What Holds Me Back?

So as I begin to seriously consider my healing and my way forward – I wonder what has been holding me back – why I have been putting things off, procrastinating.  Because I can feel there are obstacles – and I need to understand them, to negotiate with them and hopefully move forward.

In no particular order, here are a few factors I've identified:

1) Fear – maybe I've become comfortable with how things are, and fear what I might discover – so I may hold myself back from confronting things

2) Guilt – somehow I still hold myself as 'responsible' for the family dynamics – and have done so from a small child – somehow thinking that I am holding the family together and managing everything – treading on egg-shells, trying to please, and so to have broken away from that, become estranged from my FOO, then somehow I am 'terrible' and a 'bad person' for having dared to do that, and somehow I have become the cause of any negative feelings felt by my FOO – I think that 'if only I could have held it together' then they would have been continuing to be 'happy' and living their fantasy life that everything is 'ok'.  (Glad I'm writing that, as it sounds like a farce when I put it in black and white like this – I can already feel myself thinking that it's ridiculous that I should put these things on my shoulders).

3) Conflict between my inners/fragmented parts – there are quite a few of them, and they have different fears and concerns – and some of them worry about what will happen.  Some of them are unaware that time has passed by and essentially we're 'safe' - they still fear and feel doom and gloom and they worry what will happen if we face some things.

4) I lost a lot of 'roles' of my life with the various changes that have happened to me in the last few years – and that takes a lot of adjusting – and I don't feel equipped in many ways to handle that, so maybe it's fear of not knowing how to be/what to do.

5) My self-identity has never really evolved in any meaningful way – I've been what others have wanted me to be, instead of necessarily who I am – indeed, I wonder 'Who am I? What do I like/dislike?' - maybe part of procrastinating is trying to work these things out, and therefore the ways forward seem scary and also hard to choose the right path.

I'm sure there are many more things, but those are a few to start with.

I wonder if others relate to this, and whether you feel you put things off and procrastinate.

I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan...

Hope :-)

[Hope67]

I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan...

The irony of this is, that I felt over-whelmed by what I wrote here!  To the extent that I felt more 'stuck' - and then I've come back and re-read this, and I can see I wrote something that is helpful - and therefore this is the way forward for me.  That's my plan.  I can do this...

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Procrastination might as well be my middle name. I can easily sink to the bottom to where I have to do something/anything to regain my equilibrium.

I know the origins are from fear of not getting it just right, because I'm still easily bruised going way back as far as I can remember. Interestingly, the few times I've given up hope of ever getting ahead were the ones where things turned out much better than I thought they would; but only after total surrender. Except then--fear that it wouldn't stay or be too hard to keep going took over, and sure enough I was dumped back in the pit.

Small steps is indeed a sentiment I share in how to proceed. Trouble is, I start a step, run into a small obstacle, and wham... back down I go, and...you guessed it...in comes the fear, eager to take over again as the only thing I seem to know. 

With so many small steps going nowhere, I find only one sure-fire strategy that makes any sense for me--which is to indeed allow the fall. The trick is what I'm falling into. Fear, yeah, I know that; doubt, same thing, all of it circling right back to procrastination. So the fall--what do I try and fall into instead?

It's picking up by falling back...into relaxing as best and as thoroughly as I can. This sounds contradictory in the sense that people are programmed to think all progress is defined by forward movement, involving concrete actions in a linear fashion. But my 'non-method' involves relaxing with and in the music I like, the nature I'm surrounded by, the meditative strands I practice (and forget at my peril).

Looking back at my journey, those times of falling back but forward are those that have produced results and, ... peace with myself. So it's more like taking small steps, yes; but not always in a straight line. In my tendency to play with words, I like to think of what I'm describing as a way of falling "upwards".

Meanwhile, the 1001 small steps I'm trying seem a little less foreboding. And, strange as it sounds, I need to remember to relax. Trouble is, this seemingly inactive mode can resemble laziness, which can look like procrastination, bringing on guilt and anxiety; until I remember to relax. The lazy argument runs up against how my life has proceeded--the only progress incorporated the relaxed falling upwards model.

Hope this makes a scintilla of sense; I suppose it's a bit out of the box, but that's where I'm at these days with this part of the struggle. Maybe I haven't chased procrastination out of the picture, but twisted my tendency around in another direction; re-framed it instead of seeking to destroy it.   

[Hope67]

my 'non-method' involves relaxing with and in the music I like, the nature I'm surrounded by, the meditative strands I practice (and forget at my peril).

Looking back at my journey, those times of falling back but forward are those that have produced results and, ... peace with myself. So it's more like taking small steps, yes; but not always in a straight line. In my tendency to play with words, I like to think of what I'm describing as a way of falling "upwards".

Meanwhile, the 1001 small steps I'm trying seem a little less foreboding. And, strange as it sounds, I need to remember to relax. Trouble is, this seemingly inactive mode can resemble laziness, which can look like procrastination, bringing on guilt and anxiety; until I remember to relax. The lazy argument runs up against how my life has proceeded--the only progress incorporated the relaxed falling upwards model.

Hope this makes a scintilla of sense;

Hi Woodsgnome,
Yes, what you wrote makes a lot of sense, and thank you so much for sharing it.  I related to a lot of what you said - and I admire how you've sought to re-frame the experience and to cope with it.  I like your mention of taking small steps, but not necessarily in a straight line - the 'falling upwards' aspect - and remembering to relax. 

It also struck a chord with me when you talked about an 'inactive mode' resembling laziness, "which can look like procrastination" - and that really resonates with me, because I think that part of my own inner critic tends to chastise me if it thinks I'm 'inactive' - and that berating then causes further inertia.  Like you said, that brings on 'guilt' and 'anxiety' - but you've mentioned then 'remembering to relax' and I am going to try this - because I can see how that cycle would end up repeating, and there needs to be a way out - or a way to cope - and then open opportunity for some movement. 

Thank you again - your reply has been really helpful to me.  I suspect it's impossible to 'chase procrastination' out of the picture, but re-framing and tackling it in a different way - that is going to hopefully bring forth some momentum - I will think about this more - and hope to make some re-framing tweaks as well.

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope I too relate to what you say. I did some nlp work which was really helpful, I'd like to share with you what she suggested I do and it has helped me.
When you wake up in the morning you have a choice, you either get out of bed and start the day or you roll back over and want to go back to sleep. So, start your day off with visualising a garden path, the path has lots of separate stones on it and you can choose how many steps to take.
Take your first step, this is you getting up and out of bed, take a shower step 2 get dressed step 3 etc etc after each step visualise you getting further down that path and give yourself a pat on the back, tell yourself well done, look at what I've achieved today.
My nlp therapist told me to do this for 1 week making sure everything I did I gave myself kindness and told myself I'd done that really well, it could just be making breakfast, shopping etc but praise yourself after each step.
The idea eventually is that you will get to the end of the garden path you will open the gate and you will be free in your mind to take bigger steps then you need to visualise a pavement and keep moving along on it.
You will have a day where you can't get down that path but instead of feeling disappointed you tell yourself you've done really well so far, that day is a rest day and you don't need to take those steps but tomorrow is another day and you can start again.
It's about re wiring the negative brain as the more you give it positive affirmations the more the re wiring changes.
When you look in the mirror tell yourself your eyes look pretty or your hair is looking good etc, keep building up the positive affirmations and again the negative thoughts will change and you'll start to feel more positive.
I hope that may help you, it's definitely helped me but you do need to get yourself into a habit of doing this daily then eventually it will come naturally to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
Thank you so much, this is really helpful - and I will try this - I am so glad that it has helped you - and I appreciate you sharing it with me.    to you. 
I will hope to start it tomorrow and I already feel positive about it, as I can already visualise a garden path, and even just doing that, makes me feel more positive.  So thank you.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less.  That's the plan...

The irony of this is, that I felt over-whelmed by what I wrote here!  To the extent that I felt more 'stuck' - and then I've come back and re-read this, and I can see I wrote something that is helpful - and therefore this is the way forward for me.  That's my plan.  I can do this...

Hope 

Hi Hope,

Sometimes I also feel overwhelmed by what I wrote or even worse what I have planned. I know that when I have too many things on my Could Do list for the day, I often do more or less nothing constructive or beneficial. Even though the things are Could Do and not Must Do. So I go back to bed and things like that instead.

Sometimes I notice I put off things that I think I ought to do / should be doing. I no longer see that as procrastination but rather my mind knowing what I can manage or not at a given time. I try to do the tasks that are easier for me at a particular time rather than ones which aren't. There are weeks I can read my bank statements multiple times and I still don't notice that a payment hasn't come in. That's not a time when I should be trying to get my tax documents together! Just one example - there are far more.

Also when I try to push through with too many difficult tasks or tasks at wrong time, I tend to put myself in an EF eventually which is not helpful, slows everything down. So procrastination can be an unconscious protective measure for me.

Small steps forward each day    Sometimes when I'm stuck or have a total apathy towards 'doing', I ask myself what the next tiniest step could be to help myself move on with the next goal. Washing dishes or even just some of them is often good for me as is taking out one of the multitude of different rubbish types we have here, especially paper. Or sometimes something more specific to the goal.

Sounds like a really good imagination exercise, Eyessoblue. I'll be trying that sometime too.

[Hope67]

Sometimes I also feel overwhelmed by what I wrote or even worse what I have planned. I know that when I have too many things on my Could Do list for the day, I often do more or less nothing constructive or beneficial. Even though the things are Could Do and not Must Do. So I go back to bed and things like that instead.

Sometimes I notice I put off things that I think I ought to do / should be doing. I no longer see that as procrastination but rather my mind knowing what I can manage or not at a given time. I try to do the tasks that are easier for me at a particular time rather than ones which aren't. There are weeks I can read my bank statements multiple times and I still don't notice that a payment hasn't come in. That's not a time when I should be trying to get my tax documents together! Just one example - there are far more.

Also when I try to push through with too many difficult tasks or tasks at wrong time, I tend to put myself in an EF eventually which is not helpful, slows everything down. So procrastination can be an unconscious protective measure for me.

Small steps forward each day    Sometimes when I'm stuck or have a total apathy towards 'doing', I ask myself what the next tiniest step could be to help myself move on with the next goal. Washing dishes or even just some of them is often good for me as is taking out one of the multitude of different rubbish types we have here, especially paper. Or sometimes something more specific to the goal.

Sounds like a really good imagination exercise, Eyessoblue. I'll be trying that sometime too.

Hi Blueberry,

I relate so much to what you wrote here - I have also found that having 'To do' lists can be off-putting and lead to stagnation - and it's hard to get the balance between trying to motivate myself and managing to achieve things.  I found it very helpful that you've related to this, and thank you for sharing your own experiences of it.    to you, Blueberry.  I can see that you've been making progress with your things - and I'd like to wish you further progress.  Hope things go well.

I have started using the imagination exercise that Eyessoblue suggested, and it is very good. 

I am going to be taking 'small steps' and trying not to over-whelm myself.  That's my plan for today!

Hope