Too much pain

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Debora

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Too much pain
« on: August 12, 2018, 03:04:05 PM »
I am really struggling. Every moment in my head is awful. I don't think I can survive this. I'm in so much pain and soooo alone. There's no one to catch me.....it's constant and has been for so long. The one person I trusted has hurt me and left me alone. I'm really scared. Sleep is the only escape I have from the constant mental pain.

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finallyfree

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2018, 04:21:56 PM »
Dear Debora,
I am so sorry your having such a hard time. I am sending you many  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I wish I could take the pain away.

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Phoebes

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2018, 04:51:08 PM »
Debora, I hear you and empathize with you. I understand this feeling and situation completely (and have been feeling this myself lately and for a while). I know people here on this forum understand and we are here for each other, for you. You are HERE, which says you understand how you got here and want to overcome this. You are a fighter and one of the few who are overcoming, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'm sorry your friend let you down. That sucks. I've had to grieve the loss of a "best" friend who let me down too. Just disappeared. It hurts. I guess this friendship wasn't one for a lifetime like I thought (only 25 years). Or maybe it will be healed sometime. After some time and grief, I've been able to gently let go and remain open about what may come.

Yesterday I decided to try to sign up for a one day workshop on a topic I think I would enjoy. Registering for that helped shift my energy a little and have something to look forward to.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my stuff with you. I know sometimes we just need a listening ear. I just want you to know I truly identify with the feeling you describe and have my ups and downs with it, and am trying to heal and move forward too.  :hug:

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Debora

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2018, 09:56:43 AM »
Thanks guyd.  I dread being alone....with my thoughts eating me alive. I need company.....where I can just be and not have pressure. How do I get that?  I dread having nothing to do each day but I don't feel up to working or doing serious study. Help please! I'm in deep water and I'm waving my arm for help!

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Eyessoblue

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2018, 11:23:26 AM »
Hi Debora, I too hate being alone it gives me too much thinking time. Could you maybe do some volunteering somewhere? It only has to be a few hours a week but will start to give you a purpose in life. What about doing an online course of something you enjoy? Again it will distract your mind from feeling lonely, and you will get something out of it. Iíve done lots of online courses of late, itís taken my brain away from a horrible place to something productive.  My therapist has literally begged me to be doing the above as she says and is right that I have too much spare time on my hands which does just leave me sitting there wallowing in feeling sorry for myself which at the end puts me in a worse place then I was originally.

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Phoebes

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2018, 01:36:51 PM »
Hi again, Deb, ok, I will reveal my little workshop is something art related! Nothing too cerebral, but putting hands into action and hopefully getting in the zone of creativity. There will be like-minded people there, but we will likely be in "parallel play". :D

Anyway, maybe in your area you have something active or artistic you could engage in and get out of the house into nature, or engaging your mind and energy on something more light? Even just going for walks.

Sometimes when I'm alone and my thoughts are going down that path of questioning my sanity, questioning if I'm doing the right thing by being NC or even having flashbacks, I tend to watch videos that reinforce the reality of my situation. I know watching videos doesn't heal anything, but they help me think straight when my brain gets foggy about it all. Lisa A Romano is my fave, but there are quite a few that are focused on my particular situation.

I am stuck in the house alone a lot too. But my problem is I like it that way, until suddenly I don't. Trying to remember to at least disperse my time with some activities outside of the house, and make several of those activities that will benefit my physical and mental health.  :hug:

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Phoebes

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2018, 01:40:20 PM »
Debra- sorry, I just wanted to say, too, that I know when in the midst of deep depression it is not easy to shift and just pop up and do something else. Sometimes it takes days or weeks before a shift can happen. I don't know why. But, once a small shift of energy happens, my mind gets a little lighter, and it usually gets going on the upswing after that. I'm working on some of Lisa's techniques of controlling my thought and emotions, and that is helping a lot, although I've not mastered that yet.

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Contessa

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2018, 01:52:44 PM »
Feeling it Deborah, know the feeling all too well.
Sending you a
:grouphug:
and hoping that little nudge comes your way soon to lift you out. You need a break from the hard work

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Kizzie

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2018, 03:47:01 PM »
Hi Debora - There are some organizations where you can talk by telephone to someone empathetic and compassionate, who will just listen without judgement.  What about giving a call to one of them as it sounds like you could use a live person's comfort and support right now?

Befrienders Worldwide might be a good place to check out as they have centres around the world and offer free, confidential support for anyone feeling loneliness, despair, depression and/or suicidal. 

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blues_cruise

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2018, 08:57:05 PM »
Hey Debora, how are you feeling now? You're not alone, please know that, you have us here to confide in when you feel like you're on your own. I know it doesn't entirely make up for human contact in person but I think pretty much everyone who uses this forum has experienced some extremely low points so we at least know how sad you must be feeling. Is there anything gentle you can do that distracts you from feeling alone with your thoughts? When I was at a really bad time in my life a couple of years ago I found that reading really helped lift me up. How about you though, perhaps volunteering as Eyessoblue suggested? Or something that gets you out into the fresh air like dog walking? Big hugs to you.  :hug:

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Debora

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2018, 01:50:12 PM »
Being around dogs lifted my mood. On days like this I really struggle to actively help myself. I have a battle happening in my mind....a small part of me wants to help myself and therenis another part that wants to hurt myself....not actively but this part hopes for the worst to happen....wants it to be over and wants me to suffer...like I deserve it. I feel confused and that I am a hypocrite during those times I try doing something to help myself. Can anyone relate?
I yearn for my therapist back even though she deeply traumatised me at the end.
I am sick with a virus and feel awful. Fever, painful cough, blocked ears, swollen glands...stuffed but runny nose. I'm scared more because of that. I feel SO alone. The only time I'm not in mental pain is when I'm asleep.

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Luke57

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2018, 02:52:50 PM »
Hi Debora,

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Being physically sick always makes it much harder for me to cope with emotional struggles. And, Debora, I can totally relate to the battle that is going on in your mind. I have spent much of my life dealing with those thoughts over and over again. Part of me believes that there will be no end to the pain and that I don't deserve anything else. That part feels worthless and dirty because of the things that were done to me as a child, even though we have no control over what others did to us as children.


Another part of me yearns to feel ok and be happy - to feel the sunshine, breathe fresh air, be alive!


I've recently been reading how all our parts want what is best for us - relief from overwhelming pain - they just have different sulotions to the problem. I've learned through therapy and recovery programs that the most helpful route is to encourage the part that wants to live to be the guiding hand in my journey through life.

I'm glad that you got some relief being around dogs. I owe a big debt of gratitude to dogs. I don't think I could've survived my childhood if it weren't for the dogs my family always had around. My parents and FOO didn't know how to show love, so I was abandoned and abused by the humans that were closest to me. But the dogs were always happy to see me. They showed me genuine love and acceptance. I believe dogs and other animals are here to help us through the bad places we find ourselves in.


I believe that brighter days are coming for you, Deborah. Thanks for sharing your story on this forum. Keep reaching out for help. We're all in this together.


Luke

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Debora

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2018, 04:07:07 PM »
I worry that I'll be rejected and judged and people will be mean to me if I volunteer because I'm so down and miserable and introverted right now

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Blueberry

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Re: Too much pain
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2018, 04:19:29 PM »
 :hug: Debora, it's important to find what works for you. If that's not volunteering, then that's perfectly OK. Volunteering isn't good for me either though possibly for other reasons.

Hoping that you can interact with some dogs without having to volunteer or feel pressured or judged and rejected by people.  :rundog: :rundog: :rundog: