Processing a potential memory vs false memory TW

[karbon]

(( TW is brief, I don't have a lot of detail so this obviously won't go into detail )).

I've never had any memories of being molested - but I've had a slew of symptoms that are all very text-book appropriate for someone with childhood sexual abuse. I've been so hung up on the emotional abandonment abuse and the fear from the shouting and some minor physical abuse that I contributed my in-tolerance to random touch, avoidance of relationships and trust and general anxiety when becoming close to men physically (I always cut it off when it starts to get to a place where I know physically touching each other makes sense). I just never even questioned having amnesia from childhood sexual abuse, which I know is extremely common if you did experience it.

((IF anything is TW it be this next paragraph!!)




I've been doing a lot of healing work and working on body/sensory type stuff with my therapist. I was in yoga and just finishing up the last part of the meditation. The instructor sometimes goes around and puts a blanket on us if we have it out with a permission stone and will lightly touch our feet - this touch (along with 'expected touches' like pedicures, and getting your hair done I tend to like because as a human I do crave physical connection but this is very, very safe in terms of knowing exactly what to expect and when to expect it). Anyways, during the meditation portion, the blanket was on, I was sinking into the trance and I swear I felt a hand on my foot. My entire body leapt into fight/flight/freeze. I felt sheer panic that as it melted away in a few seconds, could very visibly see my biological father's face and my childhood bedroom. I haven't seen my biological father in over fifteen years. I can barely recall what he looks like, but it was really clear in the image. I always have memories from a third person POV, so seeing it from an outsider perspective doesn't surprise me. Later I processed just saying the words of what I saw out loud. The first time I did it was intense emotion waving over me, I had to pause and take a breath. I repeated it a few more times with kindness to myself and seemed to shift into a better head space.

I'd hate to be giving myself false memories. I'm frustrated that I can't trust what's real and what's not real. I want to remember so I can heal and move on. I've spent twenty eight years of my life being miserable over my childhood, repressing and dissociating.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, have you thought about doing some emdr? This can uncover various times in your life that you may have forgotten etc.
When I started it I started to remembered  a lot of other things that had happened but it had been totally repressed in my brain. I appreciate that remembering isn't always a good thing, but it does bring it out and helps you to move on and heal. I finished emdr back in March but even now I still feel like my brain is still processing and  consequently I've had a lot of things come up that I had no idea about.'I spoke to my therapist and she said it was a normal response to childhood abuse as basically when we are a child our brain isn't developed enough to process what is going on so we tend to store it away as almost a belief as we can't mentally deal with it. Through emdr I kept stopping and saying I don't think that happened I think I've made it up, my therapist said it did happen it's just how it's been stored away and now I'm older my brain is set to be able to process it but it will seem like a fantasy as that's how it's been stored.
Emdr is really good for clearing these things but of course there like me maybe lots more that comes to the surface which again you'll have to process to be able to move on.

[karbon]

Yes, I am really hopeful that I finally have a therapist who is trained in EMDR and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. I finally feel with her that I can get more out of my therapy session then 'what coping skill are utilizing for that?' I just started with her and she takes a very detailed history for the first few sessions, so a lot of blacked out childhood stuff is starting to come to the surface. I've been in recovery for a few weeks now from an ED and I can't help but wonder if not having my go-to compulsion to block stuff out is also really affecting these memories coming to the surface. I've never made it past a third session with a therapist, so my goal with her is to stick with it and not let my isolation tendencies win over.

[Dee]

I'm sure your therapist has warned you about trying to force memories.  In the few times I have had memories come back it was like I never forgot them, I just didn't remember them.  I don't think they come until you are in a place to deal with them.  Mine came back after I started therapy, actually more than a year after I started.  Still, I don't remember a lot and I really am okay with that.  I recently met a cousin, whom I apparently had a lot of contact with and I cannot remember her at all.  She didn't do anything, it was just the stress I was under at the time.  I tried and tried to remember her and I just can't.  Now, I realize if I need to, I will.  To me the hard part is realizing how much I don't remember.  I have another cousin who is younger and gives me details of all the things we did together.  I can't remember any of it.  I did tell him, just because I don't remember things doesn't mean I don't remember you.  The feeling of a memory counts.

[karbon]

Thank you for sharing that.

The feeling of the memory counting is sort of what I am relaxing into. I don't want/nor have the experience to properly deconstruct a shattered memory on my own. I had a therapist I was shadowing once for academic purposes put her clients in a meditation state. She stated to let things come up as they do, don't force and relax into what comes to mind because it just means the body is ready to process it. So I think your right that the little flicker of what came to me is just letting me know I'm ready to deal with the trauma. I don't and probably shouldn't, remember the details. There's little point in it. It came to my mind and it's nothing anyone would ever, ever by their own conjunction wish to have happen to them or recover. So I think you've got it right - the feeling of the memory counts. I'll let my therapist know tomorrow so I can get some grounding techniques incase more does trickle in while practicing yoga.

[Blueberry]

I've been in recovery for a few weeks now from an ED and I can't help but wonder if not having my go-to compulsion to block stuff out is also really affecting these memories coming to the surface.

This has been my experience too. In fact one inpatient place I was in implemented a kind of therapy where we 'fasted' from all our addictions, SH behaviour, and distractions such as reading. That brought up a lot of buried memories! Fortunately there were ways to deal with these as part of the therapy too.

Your memory sounds real to me. Our physical bodies have a memory of their own which leapt into action in your case.  I agree with Dee on "not forgetting, just not remembering". When my memories resurface they feel somehow familiar. Like, "oh yeah, I have experienced and/or remembered this before". Might have been a long, long time ago but it did exist.

My T also said the exact details aren't relevant, they don't usually have to stand up in a court of law. In my memory the carpet might be blue, whereas in actual fact it was green. Doesn't affect the truth of what was done to me.

I do yoga too off and on and I no longer hesitate to abruptly end meditation or the Corpse Pose if a memory is triggered. My experience has been that it sometimes is too early for a memory to come, even if it comes. I do know the old adage of "We have the strength to deal with what comes up as it comes" but I have often been completely floored and then knocked back by memories or even realisations. Grounding is important afterwards as is self-care. There is also a visualisation exercise where you put a newly-resurfaced memory into a locked container until you have the resources to deal with it e.g. because you're still dealing with the two memories that resurfaced yesterday.

[karbon]

I'm very fortunate to have a sensorimotor psychotherapist in the area and be in a place, while expensive and a little financially stressful, seeing her weekly for now is doable. I don't know the full context of the memory, but I do know the flicker is real and the intense weight I get in my chest and sudden overwhelming panic is real - that's enough for now. I know from speaking with my T that dissociation is on some scale, common for everyone and so it helps to know the dissociation I am feeling is warranted, and something that we will get into with sessions.

It's strange. I've spent so many years de-validating myself and loading on more shame to my core feelings because I've always felt my background and family history isn't the stuff of horror, and doesn't justify anywhere near what I am feeling. I really just took all of it in and pushed it aside like it didn't matter. This is the first time I've really ventured out to talking about my experiences - both with this forum and with my new T. And i'm just so grateful that both exist.