Really need some support

[kezkel101]

Long post but need to just get it all out sorry

Ok so a bit of background. I was taken into care aged 4 due to neglect, abuse and domestic violence. The abuse was emotional according to my file but I have suspicion for a number of reasons that there was other types of abuse as well. Once I was taken into care I stopped having any contact with my family. I was with one foster career for 4 years and then another for 8 years. Both were emotionally and physically abusive however no one really helped. I was made to go to a number of therapists during this time as my behaviour was out of control but none of them lasted more then about 6 weeks so didn't help. I was then moved to a residential children's home which was at least safe however I didn't get any real support there.

During that time however I went to an amazing boarding school 5 days a week. I had a teacher who if im honest saved my life. For the first time I had someone who I knew was on my side no matter. He made me feel safe, cared for and he really got me. He was the closest thing to a dad I have ever had. (please see my post letter to an old teacher for more background). I really didn't make the most of it, I trusted him but didn't let him in as I didn't trust myself that I was trusting the right person. It scared me that someone was so close so I spent the whole two years trying to push him away (not that he let me) and now I hate myself for wasting the chance to get better.

After my gcse's I decided not to go back to school. At the time I really let I was making the right decision as I felt that I wouldn't cope with sixth form and that I was better of jumping before I was pushed. Looking back know however I see I was stupid and scared so ran away and I think part of me wanted to see if school would fight for me which they didn't. Shortly after this I tried to kill myself which I got into loads of trouble for and kicked out of the children's home and moved into a supported living. Things were mainly ok there until another resident attempted to sa me and I lost control leading to me getting thrown out of there. I was then homeless for around 6 months.

With the support of a mental health nurse I got settled in a flat and sorted my life out. Im at uni and quite settled. I stopped seeing the mh nurse about two years ago and have seen a therapist for a year since then however it just wasn't a good fit.

To the outside world im doing fantastic but in private I'm a mess. I'm sad, keep crying, feel lost and cant control the thoughts in my head. I have no friends, no one who cares about me and if I'm not out I just lay in bed. I haven't tided my flat in two years and it's a health hazard to be honest. I just eat junk food and have put on a lot of weight.

The whole time since leaving school I feel like I have been grieving. I lost the closest thing to a father I have ever had. I just want him back but its been so long I'm not even sure if I want him or the him in my head if that makes sense? All I know for definite is that I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life. I need someone who gets it, gets me knows how to reach out when it gets too much and can help me feel safe. I need a rest I need the world to slow down for a bit. I want a family I want someone to hold me tight, to net let go and just let my cry it out. I want someone to hold my hand when I'm sad and tell me they are proud of me when something goes wrong.

Today has been a really bad day. Im seriously battling with sh thoughts for the first time in years and don't understand what has triggered the downward spiral. I need help I need to work through the grief, but I also need support. I need someone by my side. I just don't know how to do it I can't see a way forward (I'm not suicidal though), I'm scared, alone and need someone to love me and fight with me.

Any advice or support is greatly appreciated.

[Contessa]

I don't think I can offer much in the way of advice Kezkel, but I can offer empathy for how you are feeling.


Here is a hug for you. You've been through too much, and i'm here by your side. We can find a way forward together.

[Blueberry]

  from me too.

[Blueberry]

On here we do get it. I realise we're not physically present, we can't give you the real comforting hugs you need so much. But  we are here and we care about you.

Is there any kind of support at uni where you can reach out to (again)?  It's not unusual to not need help for a couple of years and then to need to go back for some support. I've been in therapy / counselling / self-help groups on and off for years.

Maybe you are grieving rn? It's quite OK to grieve, it's often a necessary (even if painful) step in healing. It's quite OK to cry too. I can empathise with feeling lonely while you're in that phase. We're sitting with you here!

I often don't know or understand what triggered a really bad spell until I'm back out of it again. Maybe for now you could try and find the next easiest tiny tiny step of self-care and/or grounding? This post was your first step! You reached out

Please let us know how you're doing.

[Contessa]

I often don't know or understand what triggered a really bad spell until I'm back out of it again.

Good point Blueberry. Me neither.
Although this time I consolidated understanding of my paeticular cycle of trigger and flashback.

You're in the right place Kezkel, and BB is right. You've taken the first affirmative step. Keep taking them
Xo