Started Back to Therapy Today - Trying EMDR Again

Kizzie · August 22, 2018, 10:49:42 PM

And it went quite well thankfully. I feel like we connected and that she understood what I want/need from therapy. And surprise, surprise, she actually convinced me to give EMDR a try again! She knows I am skeptical after having two bad reactions after sessions a few years back, but we talked about the success she has had with trauma survivors and I am game. She has been using it for much longer than the other T and she does have her doctorate whereas the other T was a Masters level clinician with far less TI and experience.

Very much looking forward to taming the narcissistic ghosts that came back to haunt me when DT got into power in the US. They are taking up way too much real estate in my head, heart and body again and I am suffering.

Deep Blue · August 23, 2018, 12:33:05 AM

Sounds great Kizzie,
I wish there was more emdr qualified therapists in my area. There is only 1. Sending you some positive vibes as you enter this part of your journey.

Elphanigh · August 23, 2018, 01:03:32 AM

So glad to hear it went very well. Let us all know how Emdr goes! I am hopeful it goes better this time for you

woodsgnome · August 23, 2018, 01:11:48 AM

Hope you can wade in and clear up some of the malaise going on inside.

Interestingly, I've held off of my t's long-ago suggestion that emdr might be an option but so far I've held back due to a not-so-hot experience with it when I was with another t. But, like you, I'm experiencing some significant relapses lately, so I'm giving it more consideration as this t is more experienced with it.

But I doubt we'd be starting for a couple months; there's a questionnaire/worksheet she uses as an adjunct and I'm still rather hesitant about it, but it's on the table anyway--at least I have a high trust level with this t.

I know there have been other mixed results reported on the forum, and if there are others perhaps people would like to share their take.

Kizzie · August 23, 2018, 06:42:17 AM

I'll be sure and share how it goes given it didn't go well before and I am a bit skeptical. The point she made about it today that convinced me to give it a go is that if it is done properly it helps to transfer memories stuck in short term memory (which is what the brain tends to do with trauma when it overwhelms the person), to long term memory. In LTM way we experience our trauma from more of a distance and know it is in the past, but in STM it is fresh and as though we are back in it in the present.

I am just so tired of not being able to get on top of being retriggered by DT that I am willing to give it a go. I hope it might be an option for you WG, if it helps me it might help you from being retriggered too.

Elphanigh · August 23, 2018, 03:07:45 PM

As someone that has seen great success with Emdr I am truly hopeful you have a better experience this time. I imagine it is not for everyone, but done right I agree with your T.

Woodsgnome I would gladly share about my experience, although not on Kizzies thread as I don't want to hijack it.

Sending you both lots of

Kizzie · August 23, 2018, 05:10:16 PM

I'm OK with you (or anyone) posting about their experiences with EMDR here

I'm going to change the title of the post though so the discussion about EMDR doesn't get lost. (If you start another thread Elph that's good too.) Either way is fine.

Blueberry · August 23, 2018, 05:17:08 PM

Kizzie, I'm so happy for you that it went well!

Finding the right form of therapy for a certain point in healing is sooo important.

Elphanigh · August 23, 2018, 06:12:28 PM

Thanks Kizzie, wanted to make sure it was okay to share that here. It is good for emdr to be talked about, as everyone has pointed out it has really mixed results.

In my experience it has been life changing. However, that was not always the case. When I first tried it, emdr left me drained and triggered all the time. We stopped doing in for quite a while and opted for other forms of trauma therapy. Eventually as I came back to emdr, I was super worried about it but it was a changed experience. I think a lot of it is the T needing to adapt it slightly to fit how CPTSD functions and how mentally ready you are for it. I was not at a stable enough point with my trauma initially so it got me outside my window of tolerance and wasn't safe. Now though I do it every week with some form of constant progress. I have many more skills to cope with it, and more emotional stability than I did when I tried it originally. I do also now have the ability to look at pieces of my trauma and not have all of it come rushing back in a wave, which is part of why I struggled at first. I couldn't keep anything separated if that makes sense.

Now that I can, emdr is a huge tool. It isn't the only tool me and my T utilize but it is something that has been huge for me. I feel like it has really helped to assist my healing in ways other methods haven't been able to. Definitely be careful with it, and go slow. I still try to go too quickly and then it can create issues.

I feel like that was just a long narrative, sorry. It has been a really positive experience for me this go around and I hope that is the case for you too. Just take it in small chunks and don't judge what comes up.

Kizzie · August 23, 2018, 06:26:44 PM

QuoteI was not at a stable enough point with my trauma initially so it got me outside my window of tolerance and wasn't safe. Now though I do it every week with some form of constant progress. I have many more skills to cope with it, and more emotional stability than I did when I tried it originally. I do also now have the ability to look at pieces of my trauma and not have all of it come rushing back in a wave, which is part of why I struggled at first. I couldn't keep anything separated if that makes sense.

This is exactly what I think happened to me also Elph. I was in a really bad place, already quite overwhelmed, and did not have the capacity to look at any trauma. I needed to stabilize and I think because the practitioner was new and inexperienced she did not recognize this. All of the trauma came rushing to the surface and just knocked me flat.

The T I am seeing is very experienced, plus I am in a much better place than 4 years ago and know more about my limits and window of tolerance. Also, I am more willing and able to speak up for myself if I need to so I am really hopeful it will work out this time.

Glad to hear you find it so helpful

Elphanigh · August 23, 2018, 07:00:01 PM

Hopefully you have the same kind of turn around. I was in that very overwhelmed space when I first tried it too. I am certain that four years has made a gigantic difference for you. I am very hopeful for you, and glad to hear your new T is really experienced. Sending all the luck your way

I am excited to hear how it goes.

sanmagic7 · August 23, 2018, 08:13:21 PM

kizzie, i wish you all the best. with the right t, i fully believe emdr can be life-changing. always remember that you're in charge of your therapy, and to slow it down, explore what's going on any time you begin to feel overwhelmed. and, stabilization as well as tools to provide yourself with stability between sessions is very important.

wg, could you take that questionnaire to a session, explore with your t about the issues/difficulties you're having with filling it out? that might be helpful to you to have your t with you for support and processing what might be preventing you from getting it started. just a thought.

i'm just so glad you've found a t who seems to be a good fit for you, kizzie. this entire dt era is mind-bending and emotionally charged. i do hope you get relief. sending much love and a hug filled with positivity for your therapeutic experience.

Kizzie · August 24, 2018, 06:28:29 PM

Tks San and Elph, I go on Sep 6th and am both excited it will go well (I really need to be able to view NPD behaviour like DTs from more of a distance), and nervous that it won't. I am still concerned that I do not have specific or discrete big "T" incidents per se, but instead have a long running history of accumulated, seemingly small "T" ones (death by a thousand cuts) inflicted by NPD family over the years. I guess we'll see.

She did say we will work on safety and grounding and may not even do any EMDR until the third session. That adds to my confidence as I did not do anything like that the first time.

Elphanigh · August 24, 2018, 06:49:01 PM

Kizzie, it really surprises me you didn't do anything like that the first time. From my understanding (info from my T, and my own reading) anytime someone starts emdr it is customary to spend several sessions on coping and grounding skills. It should be common practice. Anyways I am really glad your T is doing that with you this time around

sanmagic7 · August 24, 2018, 08:00:51 PM

sounds like your t is a bit more 'with it' when it comes to trauma processing. glad to hear that.

as far as not having big T traumas, that's a lot of what c-ptsd is about. hopefully she'll recognize that. still, you don't have to push yourself to try to remember any if they're just not there. rather, the concepts behind the '1000 cuts' can be processed, such as expectations, people pleasing, triggers, those 'looks' or voice tones - any of that stuff can be fodder for reprocessing in your mind/brain.

i hope it goes well for you, kizzie. slowly but surely wins this race. love and hugs, sweetie.