Triggered by Group

[Elphanigh]

Thanks! I am really hopeful although nervous about all of this moving forward. Life is moving really quickly in a lot of areas, and even my recovery journey st this point. It feels like a whirlwind, but one I am glad to be on.

[Elphanigh]

Figured I would come here to talk more about group, although I might rename this thread if I am going to use it that way. I do feel like having a space to share about group therapy, and such is important though, so anyone is welcome to share here as well.

Last nights group was intense, but I am opening up and bonding with the women in my group quite a bit as we go. I haven't opened a lot about my traumas although last night definitely gave some insight into my life. We shared some timeline work, and then had about 45 minutes left and I volunteered to so a sculpt which is something that gets done in experiential group as a way of physically and verbally processing. It started out as a generational sculpt, which I felt like would be hard but not super taxing and my T, in her brilliant way of coming up with exactly what I need or what would bring me deeper, brought in my M.

Meaning one of the women (of my choosing, I get to choose who plays who) played my M, and we gave her different physical items to depict her diseases and coping mechanisms etc. The worst of which was a blindfold.. that was the truth that struck me the most in seeing it. I have known, well come to know, that my mom was blind to things by choice in a lot of ways and that is more painful than believing she just didn't see it. Knowing there was a conscious decision not to see or hear things I needed her to hurts much worse. I came upon that realization months ago but hadn't truly processed it. There is obviously a lot of pain and some anger and confusion that comes with that.

I got to talk to my M, in this form and say some of the things I needed to. Honestly, was surprised about some of what came out.. including some new realizations. My T also attempted to give me a magic moment as they call them, taking all the diseases and such away from my M. Leaving her in a different form, one that apologized and said things I needed to hear. That was like a stab to the gut almost... It needed to happen but I couldn't get to the more healing part of it because even in that form, when that M would give me and say whatever I needed her to, I couldn't trust. Eventually told her to leave the room and that I would come back if and when I was ready to do more of it.

Either way I am still rather emotionally drained and just dealing with a lot of emotions. Some of which are truly just from the anxiety that comes with knowing I was open with other people. I didn't describe my abuse but I definitely used the words torture and * to describe things my M could have saved me from.. and di mention the PA that my M was good at giving... Probably the most healing thing was one of the Women that wasn't in the sculpt was giving feed back afterwards (as we always do after derolling) told me she had wanted to push that version of my M away and sit down to tell me all the things I needed and to essentially nurture the parts of me that were hurting, my T quickly chimed in saying that she wanted to do much the same. Knowing people, one that I still don't truly know, would have protected me and done differently even now is huge.

I will go over and process some of the fallout of this in my journal, but wanted to be open about this part of my journey in one kind of consolidated space.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I just wanted to say, I understand, I've been put in group therapy basically to shut me up as nothing else is available, it's been horrendous I've hated every minute of it, I've been set so far back that I don't even know where I am now mentally, yesterday I had a complete meltdown as no one is getting it, I just got patronised and made to feel stupid which has set me back even more, I'm tearful every week and am getting triggered by everyone else in the group, it's my worse therapy experience so far.

[Elphanigh]

I am so sorry you are experiencing that. Does not sound like it is at all healthy for you. Can you leave that group? My group is thankfully one that is healthy and seems to be doing me good, the first session and last night were just a lot.

[Eyessoblue]

It's my last session next week, I basically got told if I didn't attend I won't be considered for anymore therapy within the nhs so feel like I've been forced to attend. It's totally irrelevant to how I feel or what I've been going through but having to sit in this group and listen to other people's stories and experiences has literally made me feel like I have it too even tho I never have before.. I've had to do homework which again has had nothing to do with how I'm feeling so refused to do it explaining my reasons and got told that I should have made an effort! Feeling like I need to scream and beyond frustration. Next week I'm 'supposed ' to be told what and who/where can help me next as they are aware the course hasn't been right for me. But I'm not going to hold my breath!! Glad you're doing ok tho, that's good to hear.

[Elphanigh]

I really hope that you do get a better option from that meeting. No oje should be stuck in something that isn't helpful.