Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

My other journal was getting obnoxiously long. I am also feeling like this is just a good starting point for a new one. I am settling into a new job, have brand new boundaries, a new home, routine, and just overall outlook on life. I am even starting a different form of EMDR come Monday evening with my T. As always I am excited but nervous for the new adventures.

Short post but I felt the need to do this while I was thinking of it, and maybe a short first post will lead me to less obnoxiously long ones in this journal. Goodness knows I always have lots of words 

[Blueberry]

Hey, sounds like all sorts of new stuff so right for a new Journal! Mine is also terribly long and often full of very long posts. We are allowed to do that in our own Journals though But I can see the positives of short posts too.

I don't read so many posts on here anymore including yours but it's great to see in two sentences how much progress you're making!  for you.

[Elphanigh]

Hey Blueberry, I am glad it isn't just me that writes long ones in here. It felt time to start another chapter in here so to speak. I also don't read as much in here anymore, including yours. I do come by time to time though. I find I don't always have the mental energy to read the journals because I am in so many other places right now.

I am glad the two sentences works to show progress. There has been so much of it in the last coupe of months. It is truly some exponential growth. I am putting in hours of work for it, but glad I am being given the chance to.

[sanmagic7]

so happy for you, you darling you.  great adventures and advances await you, of that i have no doubt.  love you to bits, el.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Elpha,
I always check your journal when I'm on.     it does me good to see how you are.  New journal sounds awesome for new adventures.

[Elphanigh]

San and Deep  blue, thank you so much. Sending lots of love to you both 

[Elphanigh]

My new job is going to start training me for a promotion, which is great!  However I find my inner critic is telling me I don't deserve it. Lots of "how is it you that they are promoting" " Can you even do the job" etc... I will have a great trainer and I have been at this job for only a month so they must see so much potential to put me in charge of EDI. It is a big job and a marketable skill to have. So here's to a new adventure. I just need to get my inner critic to disappear 

Sometimes I wish I could see what everyone else does in me....

[sanmagic7]

maybe that particular inner critic voice could be processed in one of your next sessions.  it sure would be nice for you not to hear or believe it.  i also think that the idea that you can't see in yourself what we all see would also be great for therapeutic exploration.  you've come so far already, and you totally deserve to know what a wondrous person you are.

love and hugs, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Maybe, although I really want to dig into the new stuff we are going to start doing. I can't remember what it is called, but it is a form of emdr that goes back to pre-verbal traumas. Now that I am stable with some of my bigger "T" traumas I am excited to dig into some of the early foundations that affected it, especially with the group therapy I am starting in September focusing on inner critic and early traumas. (Eventually into later ones, it is gonna go through a timeline as months go on). I want to have done some of this before stepping into that environment if that makes sense. I will certainly bring it up though.

Thankfully, I have started to have moments where I see what others do. Today has been odd at work, I got news of my promotion, and the new letter came out with my bio in it (they put new people in there as an intro) and everyone has been in awe of my degree and some of my random talents/ aspirations. Including just the fact I want to get my yoga certification, which I feel is so small. Have had people commenting on how cool it is I play seven instruments and things. Which are all things I don't think anything of because once upon a time it was never good enough. None of that stopped the trauma when I thought that being "good enough" would be what stopped the trauma. I have spent enough time processing and know that it was never going to stop it, and that all of those things were more than enough. Objectively, I know I have an impressive skill set and history (especially when someone puts in the fact I was going through so much trauma and still managing all that I did). Looking from the outside in I can see it most of the time.

Sometimes, I even feel it now. Especially in therapy I will have realizations that I am doing things I couldn't have dreamed of a year ago. I am processing things that would have instantly sent me into a flashback 6 months ago, and having very little issue doing so. My T tells me that she sees such hope, because I am so young and have already done so much healing work. In those moments I start to feel it and believe it. I don't get them often though, it is that over achiever mindset that gets me. There is always more to be worked on, and achieved. It is hard to give myself credit and believe all the beautiful things people say about me.

Honestly as much as I heard things like I wasn't enough, or would never be good enough when I was younger, tapping into early traumas might actually bring that up. Matter of fact, after my last session, when I was drawing dots about what was going to be processed in this new venture, I realized that I wasn't wanted as a baby. I was a mistake baby, and I came into the world with parents that were stressed, had no intention of being married but now were, and people that were giving up their dreams because of me. I came into chaos and was immediately not good enough, because my existence was a problem. Pre-abuse, pre-verbal memories, I was already not enough. I was already having bad things instilled in how I viewed myself. The more I think about that the more I think this connection is a good one to get into.  I honestly hadn't put the two together like that until now. Thank you, San, for phrasing your response in a way that allowed me to realize this. It was a mental line I needed to draw between the dots and hadn't. 

Love and hugs right back to you 

[Elphanigh]

San, sorry if that made no sense. My brain has to wrap around some things. Maybe will post here when they are collected

[Deep Blue]

Hey Elpha,
It made sense to me and I'm guessing it made sense to San too.

You are incredible to me.  I know it's hard to believe it, but you are so amazing. You deserve all the good things that come your way.

I struggle with the same thoughts.  I heard that I deserved the PA and brought it on myself so many times that i believed it.  Its hard to undo that type of brainwashing.
Much love to you

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, I am glad it made sense. I always worry that when I have a realization as I am writing that tim won't be clear because I don't need have the chance to think through my words. I love to write and read well written literature or research so it is habit to really think about how I phrase things. In those moments it is just stream of consciousness, therefore, no real concious word choice.

You are very sweet. Those kind words do truly mean a lot.

I too heard I deserved the abuse in the many forms it took, so I grew to believe it. To even believe that I had caused it just by existing. It is hard to undo that, and I am sorry that you have to deal with that to. No one ever deserves that

[sanmagic7]

it made perfect sense to me, sweetie, and i was also hit with a 'wow! - this is a huge connection'. 

i know some people don't believe in pre-verbal or pre-birth trauma, but i know it's a real thing.  i was a forceps baby, and when they were pulling me out of my mother's body, the forceps somehow slipped and cut my face near my left eye, leaving a scar that i still have today.  my mother was sedated (no one did natural childbirth in those days) so not only was i physically wounded before i was born, i didn't have my mother to nurture or soothe me while i must have been in some real physical distress.

so, yeah, it's real, and i'm glad you're getting into it and even that you're already realizing what it's meant for you to start life like that.  that kind of stuff is so big.  and your group next month sounds really interesting.  i don't doubt there will be some extremely interesting lightbulb moments coming out of it.

i completely agree with deep blue.  you are amazing in the truest sense of the word, and deserve only the best.  i love that all your talent and gifts were showcased for your new job.  you are an incredible human being, el, in the best possible ways.  love always, and many hugs whenever needed.

[Elphanigh]

Really glad it made sense dear. I am still kinda processing through that connection. This new emdr goes back to that pre birth trauma. I was skeptical at first hearing about it, but the more I heard and felt connection to it I understand why. I was born not being wanted, but I was also born with my own umbilical cord cutting off my oxygen, had a mark for years. I also had a full adult tooth when I was born that they pulled about an hour after I was born.. apparently lots of blood when that happened (so I have been told). Either way birth was traumatic, and my T is curious about the fact I have spent a lot of my life learning to breathe because when I was born it wasn't no safe to try to get a full breath of air with me coming out being choked by the cord. So might have something to do with it, and the idea of all the stress pre that being anxiety inducing.

I am sorry you had that sort of trauma too. It is good that you recognize the effects of it though. Too many people don't

I am curious. It makes sense but I am not real sure what will come up.

The group will be interesting as well. I will be around others who have somemsimilar trauma and I am interested to see how that will affect me. Lots of lightbulb moments to one for sure.

Thank you for the kind words, they always mean so much to me. One day I hope to full believe them like you do.

[Elphanigh]

This new look at emdr is definitely different and deserving of a fresh journal. We are working at it in the process Sarah Paulsen  created and then wrote in "When there are no words"  which focuses on early attachment traumas. The ins and outs are really interesting if you want to do any reading ( I find any sort of reading on most subjects to be intriguing)

A lot came up as we were clearing the "effective circuits" was really interesting to look at and emotion rather than feel it. To try to objectively see what it looks like in my subconscious. My mind it truly an interesting place. I think it gives me insight and we have at least one more session of doing these before we start into the next section. I might post here about what they looked like at a later time but tonight I need rest a self care. I put myself through a lot with work and just somewhat emotionally taxing session. Emdr is truly great but can be utterly exhausting