Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Deep Blue]

Thank you for helping her feel safe and happy. It is the first time I have gotten to envision her happy, knowing she is in such safe hands. It is different to see her that way, she looks more like the little kid she should be. It means the world that you are helping her  (and me) like this. 

I'm so glad you are getting to see her in a new light Elpha. Hopefully it will be helpful to see her having fun and being the child she should have been able to be.  I have some food coloring pens and she can use them to color some of these cookies too.  After we finish these goodies we can read and enjoy some as snacks.  I'm happy to help her and I'm happy to help you too 

My teenage little is excited for the possibility of a movie night.  I think getting to relax with you is a good change of pace for her.  Thanks for being so understanding and gentle with her.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad to see her that way too. I tried to picture her in yoga today, letting her play and be safe. Hsrd but had a few good moments with it today. She will be a work in progress trying to find a balance with her.

She would adore coloring the cookies! Then reading and yummy things. Thank you for being so kind and good to her. It is more than I could have ever given her today.

I am glad to sit with her and ave a movie night. She is always welcome to see me, I will welcome her with open arms 

[Elphanigh]

I feel a little stronger today, and have an ice cream date with a new found friend after work this evening. It will be nice to get out and see her outside of the yoga studio. She is kind and gets a lot of this junk. Also ice cream is the best sometimes 

It is good that I can start to recover a little faster from these things. I am definitely still feeling the emotional turmoil, but I can let it exist while I am also going about my day. However, I am not dissociating or locking it so far down and ignoring it. I am letting it be as it is, and recognizing it like I need to. It is there for a reason, but I can't be dealing with it every moment as intensely. There is a balance, and that balance gets knocked over a bit at moments during my day when it starts to flair up and hurt more, but I get through them. Monday's session will likely be huge for me, but I am hopeful it will also prepare to be going on vacation starting Tuesday.

Seeing my brother graduate from Basic training is so important to me, and being able to see my niece is just as important. This trip serves both of those purposes and also allows me to visit multiple new places, which is exciting. However, I have to be stable and strong in my boundaries with my parents while I am there. I haven't told them about grad school or not coming home for Christmas and I am sure both will come up. Those are my very adult decisions that they have no power over but they will try to. I am both excited and dreading this trip. So stabilizing before hand is going to be super necessary. I am going to have everything prepped this weekend so I can feel steady and prepared to be gone. Leaving my roommate in charge of the house and my cats is scary because I don't trust her to do the up keep on the apartment. My cats will be fine but I worry about having to come home to a giant mess... after having just spent the last few days cleaning up..

Anyways that is an entirely different ramble. I am healing from this junk, it is hard, awful and long but it is happening.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
There are so many great things that you've written here, and I am just wanting to say how great it is to hear that you're making such progress - and I also want to say 
Wishing you the best for your family visits - so great that you will be seeing your brother graduate from Basic training - and that you'll see your niece too.  Enjoy your ice-cream date with your friend later.  Sounds like fun.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope! It is amazing how you always see the positives in all of this every time. I always love when you stop by 

[Elphanigh]

Getting stronger everyday, with the help of some friends. I had two impromptu ice cream dates yesterday and a coffee run before work this morning. Both helped me get back into my adult self.

Little me is also happy with the ice cream and macaroons. So it helped both parts of me.


I am coming to recognize that I have come over so many hurdles and I will do so with this one in the same way, I just need to show myself some kindness as this goes. Especially to younger me, even though I don't always understand her yet. These memories aren't her fault and she was very brave. It is my turn to be brave for her.

I leave on vacation on Tuesday. I am excited to go but worried about being around my parents for such an extended time. I will benokay during but worry when I get back i will crash a bit. I am trying to prepare for that kust in case so when I get back I don't have much to accomplish. Will allow me to not stress about crashing for a day or so.

Anyways I just wanted to come by and say I was starting to feel better. No doubt Monday will drag it back up but hopefully start a more true healing process.

[Deep Blue]

We will be with you if you need to vent during your visit.

Glad to hear your little enjoyed the ice cream 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Deep Blue. I will likely post something mid trip, or at least on my way back. It is an important even for my B and I get to see my S and niece. I am trying to focus on those positives. I love all three of them dearly and they deserve me there at my best even if my parents don't deserve it.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el,

i hope your trip goes as smoothly as possible.  i love all the prep you're doing to be ready, not only for the trip itself and the parental units you'll have to face, but also for being back home after and the possible crash. 

of course, ems will be with you the whole time, and if i might suggest something that really helped me a couple of times in the past 2 yrs. (when i left mexico, and also going to the dermatologist where i found out i had cancer and my d couldn't be there with me) - i imagined all of you from here surrounding me, being next to me, and i can't tell you how much safer and stronger i felt.  it may sound weird, but it worked wonders for me at times when i was on very rocky ground.

so, know that we'll be with you the whole time - you just have to think of us and you'll be able to feel our energy.  we can even put up a barrier between you and your folks to help with boundaries and such.  you're not alone, sweetie - ever.

much love, always, safe, warm hugs, and positive energy to help you enjoy your loved ones and stave off any neg. energy coming at you from anyone.

[Elphanigh]

San,

Thank you for liking all the prep I am doing, it is good to hear that.

I love the idea of having ems and the people here around me. You all make me feel safe and loved, so that is perfect. Not weird at all.  It may help with my boundaries if I start to struggle, especially with my M.

Honestly I am curious about the difference now, since I have made so much progress between now and the last time I saw them. Also I am not going to the family home, am going to q place I have bever been and none od us know very well. Will likely be a much different dynamic.

Lots of love to you dear. I am going to hold onto all the positive energy I can get for this trip, so thank you. Have about 3 days until I will be on a plane. Which is exciting and not.

I am so excited to visit new states and and cities. Also to see my brother on such an important day in his life, and to see my niece growing into a healthy little one.

Anyways thank tou for all that you do my dear

[Three Roses]

I'll be a little rock in your pocket! 😉

[Elphanigh]

Awe thanks!!! I am really grateful for that 

[Hope67]

Wishing you the best for your trip, Elpha.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Hope! I have spent today trying to get ready for it (although I don't leave until Tuesday at noon. I really need to be packed and such as I have no real time before I leave because of my schedule on Monday. I likely won't be here super often while I am gone but will report back as I can.

I figure a post after my session with my T tomorrow and then who knows until Sunday.


I have started all of my grad school applications, have the deadlines/ requirements outlined, and am finding myself so intimidated by this process. I know it will all come together but I need to start my CV and my personal statements. Some of me old not good enough habits are creeping. I have so much heart and desire to help people, I just hope it is enough. I do look good on paper, I have been told that but I am nervous and worried I won't get in. Some of my inner critic going off like crazy. 


It will pass, I just need to reach for it

[Elphanigh]

My plan leaves in 4 hours!  I am really excited to see my niece, sister, and get to be there for my brother on such an important day. I have faith I will keep my boundaries with my family and take care of myself while I am gone. Their chaos is no longer mine to take care of or worry about. I have chunked out time in the morning to go to the hotel gym and do yoga. It will be my alone time in the day to maintain my own self care. 

I spent my session with my T last night doing a lot of care for my little ones and grounding for my adult self. I am not ready to logically deal with the very young version of myself yet because he truths set my logic spinning and it is a lot. So I promised her I would come back as soon as I can to help her and set her up with someone and her own space kind of like the porch. It will steady her, and serve to remind her I am not mad at her and it is not her fault. That I am glad she is sharing her memories and feels safe enough to do so. Just that when seeing my family it is safer for us both if she stays in her space with the others who will help care for her. I will check on her and them as I can (a suggestion from my T) and help them feel not forgotten while I am gone.

I can be excited because I do believe I will be okay, that traveling to this new space will be fun. I have grown so much in the last six months so this will be an interesting interaction and will probably make me see just how much I have changed.  I hope to notice with curiosity and not with judgement anything that comes up, and to truly just get to enjoy my niece and the better parts of my family. I do love them, despite all of the chaos. They are still my family, and do love me just not in the ways I need them to. From a distance we are better and I have found ways to keep myself healthy and still maintain some relationships with them. Not the most open or connected, but that is what I need for me at this point.

It will be great to get a break from work and the world of grad school apps. I can't do anything while I am gone. I spent this weekend and yesterday prepping everyone. My roommate has food to eat, and a plan for my cats. My work projects are done and I have delegated things to people that need to be done every day. I have made sure everyone knows what to do and put everything in its place the best I could at home. I know that it is not my job to care for everyone, but it is what I did out of habit. I did also take care of myself though, that is what has changed. I was also on my list and have given myself everything I need to succeed at enjoying this trip and not getting triggered etc. For once I made my own to do list and I am proud of that.

I won't be here much until next week, but I will likely still read some on car rides and such. Love you all