Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[sanmagic7]

love you so.  wishing you a wonderful trip.  many hugs, one for each day you're gone.      i think that's right.  hope so. 

[Elphanigh]

My dear thank you for all the hugs! It is a few too many but I am glad to double up a few days. I leave today and am back on Sunday night. So really it is 6 days ish. 

[sanmagic7]

ok, then, one for before you leave, and one for after you get back.  how's that?

hope it goes well.  we'll be with you whenever you need us.  so will ems.  embrace that baby and your sis and bro.  i'm so happy for you that you're getting this trip, not only to see your loved ones, but to get a break from the daily grind.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!  love you lots, darlin'.

[Elphanigh]

That's perfect!!!

I have snuggled my niece and hughed my brother. It is so good to see them both. Also got some time alone with my sis which we needed. Good to openly talk.

I am maintaining boundaries even with only three hours of sleep for all of us.

It is a great adventure

[sanmagic7]

sounds wonderful, dearie.  love and hugs, and i hope you continue to enjoy with the least amount of neg. vibes possible.

[Elphanigh]

Thanks! Having the ability to focus on my niece and brother helps so much. Spent sometime with my M alone this morning but nothing bad was said, it is odd but okay. My boundaries and reactions are different, it seems to work.

Thank you for the hugs and for paying attention to my journal while I am here  lots of love.

[Elphanigh]

Things to come back to when I get home: (just a reminder that I need to look at these occurrences because I have feelings about them)

1. My D yelling st me
2. My mom talking about the me too movement, and about how people coming forward later doesn't mean it isn't true
3. My sis being a mom
4. My brother being grown up
5. My own boundaries in all of this
6. Me not going home for Christmas but B doing so
7. Unwillingness to tell M that I am not going home, and that I am applying for grad school...

Those are the big ones. Some bigger than others but I don't have a space to process so I have to hold onto it for later.

[Elphanigh]

Adding to the list. My M is oblivious to why none of us speak up around her. Even for things as simple as seeing a sign she didn't. Disagreeing with her is more dangerous than letting her lead us the wrong way *sigh*

[Elphanigh]

Going to come back to this in pieces as I have energy/time. I managed to catch some sort of respiratory infection on vacation so my energy is zapped.. then being gone for nearly a week leaves a lot of tasks to be done/caught up on. Also my emotions need some time do deal with all of this.

My D yelling at me is probably the biggest thing to hit on. It happened out of nowhere about three days in to my trip. Which was about the time, I had let some of my guard down. No one had said or done anything to set any triggers off. They were well behaved for my family, and manageable without having to be on my toes all the time. So for a small bit I let myself be less hypervigilant  and just enjoy being around my family for the small bit I had. To breathe because I was away from the stress of work, and my day to day life.  My D snapped at me, and what took me by surprise was that it was him and not my M... that I was simply looking out the front window of the rental car and he thought I had a look on my face... when I had looked up simply because I had been reading and hadn't looked at my surroundings for a while. Then my M proceeded to get onto him, but also onto me.. so like she started to defend me and then decided to be mean last second.. It instantly made me emotional, like tears just hit my eyes in a moment where crying would be completely dangerous for me. So I replied something quick, looked back down at my book and blinked them away. Some younger part of me came out and was terrified... some part of me remembered my dad swinging at a wall above my head and punching right through it.. it was a reflex of remembering physical violence and much more verbally abusive instances in my past. I really could not get settled after that. Anytime we were in a car I felt jumpy like I was going to get yelled at for simply existing, so I shrunk back and pretended not to.


My M talking about the Me Too movement is probably the other giant one for me.. I have on many occasions wanted to tell my M about the abuse from other sources. (My M was verbally/emotionally abusive or neglectful, sometimes mildly physically abusive but was never the 'main' abuser in my life) She was blind to a lot of pain in my life, and I did my part of hide it from her because it was how I was going to survive. That being said there is part of me that wants my M to be what I need her to be. That wants her to know what happened because it is not something I should have to keep secret. My story is not evil or poisonous. It is painful and dark, but that isn't my fault. So hearing her talk about the Me too movement, saying that just because someone comes forward so many years later that it doesn't mean it isn't true. That these women do have a reason for waiting so long, and if someone is hurt eventually they will come out and say something. Maybe not to this extent but that they would talk to someone. It was a short moment, but her understanding of those women made me want to say something. Made me hope that maybe telling her would be healthy.. but then I remember who I am talking about.

I am talking about the M that worked in the mental health field, showed nothing but love and concern for her patients, and then turned around and denied my depression and anxiety. The woman that saw my symptoms, locked me away, forced me to keep a food journal, took away my right to talk to my friends, all until it seemed like I was normal again. She forced me to take sleep medication, and drink chicken broth if I wasn't keeping my food down or if she felt I hadn't eaten enough.. I was treated like a prisoner until I learned to look normal. She didn't care if I was truly better, nor did she care to listen to what was wrong, she just cared that I appeared normal. Appearances were more important than my actual health.

So no, I don't tell her. She cares about her patients, but that is it. Her love for her family is conditional, especially when it comes to me. I wish she could truly care like that but I am the exception to her caring about that movement. It would never go as I need it to, because it is about her and not me. 

That fact just feels like it could break my heart today. 

Will come back eventually for the rest of this, but I think that is all the emotion I can handle at this moment. Have to take these things in small chunks.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweet girl,
My heart also jumped for you when reading about your D's outburst.  You didn't deserve it now or back then.  Those PA flashbacks are a BIG part of my story and I'm absolutely blown away by your ability to keep it together with that kind of trigger.  I would almost promise you I would have dissociated right then and there and not be able to do anything the rest of the trip.  Your light kept you safe sweetie    if it is ok

As far as your M, I think you made the right choice not to share your story with her.  Even if you shared some, I doubt it would bring her around. Honestly, who knows what her response would be?  I suspect maybe she would blow you off again or try to reinforce your inner critic.  So much of your story is close to my heart my dear.  I'm a caregiver by nature.  I always wish I could turn back time and care for you when you were young my friend. 

If you like, you can tell me your story and I'll be your mom.  I will give you the understanding you deserve.

[sanmagic7]

i love db's response to what you wrote, sweetie, and want to tell you that i agree with all of it.  you didn't deserve it then, you don't deserve it now, and i'm not at all surprised that you felt jumpy in the car after that outburst.  yuck!  i just don't get it with people, why they're so mean and nasty to us when we haven't done anything!

and, i don't think that talking to your mom about it may be the best for you, either.  it's a shame, it really is, but it's her shame, not yours.  she is missing out on the enjoyment of the beautiful being you are.  dang, i hate that.   grrrr!  grinds my gears.  i'd also happily be your mom surrogate if you want more than one.  we'll hug you and all the little you's, and ems will be there as well, surrounding you in the wonder of you.

lots to process.  i'm glad you're taking your time.  sending love and a hug full of gratitude that you are you.

[Elphanigh]

Deep blue and San, you are both such amazing people. I can't imagine life without you around (I know that sounds crazy for a forum but it is true). Your gentle, caring souls bring so much into my life 

As far as my D, I know I didn't deserve it which is I think what saved me from that being a bigger trigger for me. I have learned a lot about that and not to let it seep into my own self when it is not truly mine to carry. Boundaries are a funny thing but it helped keep that to a minimum for me. Hard work is paying off I guess.

Thank you both for being willing to be a surrogate mom for me, you are both much more maternal to me than my own M ever has been. Sharing with her would only lead to more hurt for me, because my story would become about her no matter what her reaction was. That is just who she is. With you two, you always listen with kindness and caring for me. I am always beyond grateful for that. You have both listened to more of my story than my M will likely ever know, and maybe one day I will be prepared to tell it to you both in more of a connected, cohesive fashion (like an actual story). For now I will enjoy all of the warmth and hugs you both give  It is amazing to me how you both genuinely care for me, thank you for that. Just sitting here basking in the warmth brings some tears to my eyes, just getting things that I never got to have I guess. Healing and warmth 



New part of my story to process, as I am getting even more sick I have smaller limits for this junk.... I have been struggling with eating since about the last two days of the trip. I had a moment while we were all enjoying the hot tub that reminded me of my overweight family and how me being small keeps me from being like them... how it always separated me from my family, especially my M. My B, S, and I were always healthier and smaller than the rest of the family. My sis has put on some weight but my B and me haven't truly. However I am at what most would consider a healthy looking weight now... Which for me is over my usual. I always sat on the low side of healthy just naturally... so being at a weight that is "healthy" feels like I am big or over weight for me. So eating has been a struggle. That and with being sick, food sounds awful anyways...

Now, I realize I struggled with eating before my M made it worse but it was out of anxiety that I struggled. It was not yet an eating disorder.. what my mom did when I was about 16 turned it into just that... also led me towards my suicide letter that year. There are a lot of issues in that time frame and I am going to try to stick to the things surrounding food, because Id on't want to open this whole can of worms.

She at one point made me keep a food journal of everything I ate, and puked up.. what times, amounts, etc... When she thought I wasn't eating enough or thought I was lying about what I ate she would make me drink chicken broth... Just warm chicken broth is so salty and gross.. but it was the only thing she would allow me when she was angry at me not eating or not keeping food down. To this day the only time I crave chicken noodle soup, or anything with a chicken broth base is when I am super sick (like right now, I just want to eat soup and sleep). I hadn't realized just how terrible that was until probably the last two or three days. Like I knew it was bad but looking at it now, it was awful and abusive... all under the guise of trying to help me. Where as it probably spiked my eating disorder into what it became.

On top of that during that time period she was forcing me to take sleep medication, despite me telling her I didn't want to take it... that it made me feel funny. I have always taken more strongly to meds than a lot of people, just how my body absorbs them.. so being forced to take meds to make me sleep heightened my anxiety and cptsd symptoms.. which made my eating worse... so awful cycle   



Anyways all that to say... I am working through a lot of realizations with her.. and things she will never own up to or recognize. Think this is all I have in me this morning. Back to the porch with tea and a warm blanket. I will rest there all day if I can

[Elphanigh]

Normally I have therapy on Mondays and group on Tuesdays, my T was out of town yesterday and I am feeling unwell so I am electing to not go to group this week either. I wish I could go as I am fond of the group and want to do the healing, but I can't risk getting them sick that would be unfair to them. I also am not truly feeling up to the level of emotional processing that can happen in that room.

I drew the part of piece for group last night, when I thought I was still going. It is a continuation of our timeline that is about our birth circumstances, which I have worked on in my own individual sessions via the early trauma emdr I have been doing. However the act of drawing it was really powerful and mildly triggering tbh, I had to remember to breathe and sit back for a bit because it was a lot emotionally. I split it into four sections: My parents, Great GP, My uncle, and Me. Each depicting the circumstances around me being born. Which for me is where my trauma started (weird to be able to recognize it as true)....

My parents: always angry and fighting, not educated well, and not prepared with a safe home for me.
My G-GP died rather early pregnancy for my M and led to a lot of additional stress on her which then meant me as well
My uncle punch my mom while she was almost full term with me. I am not exactly sure when I just know it was in the last couple of months before I was due.
Then me.. I managed to wrap my cord around my neck so I was lacking oxygen to my brain for a good chunk of time.. They didn't think I would speak or come out okay. Then when I was born I had a tooth they pulled with no numbing because normally infants have small ones without roots and they don't hurt.. mine had a root and I apparently bled like crazy. Meant my M would never help with loose teeth, even to this day she is traumatized by it, let alone what it did to the infant in distress..

Anyways, depicting that was hard... there is a lot there and the thing is I know that is just the foundation trauma in my life. The next piece won't be as emotionally taxing but the one after that is where I start to get into head injuries and abuse from my foo, things that I am just now learning exist in the first place. I am not sure how that is going to go but I will do what I need to as it comes. I will also talk to my T and see how she would suggest it, also to see if after Christmas rejoining the next session is smart. I want to be able to but goodness I worry with as much trauma is packed into my grad school years. 

[Elphanigh]

Seeing this on paper is different I think. I spend an hour or two a week talking about my trauma or processing it in EMDR etc.. but putting it into physical images is a different feeling than that. Maybe knowing that it is the start of me truly being vulnerable in group is hard. It doesn't show any of my major traumas but it is starting to get to that and to show the PA that became normal in my life.

My piece about my M was also that powerful but it was unexpected. I also refrained from speaking specific traumas. Instead talked about her not protecting me, letting people hurt me etc.. how she was blind to what I needed her to see etc.. That is different that stating specific traumas. So maybe that is it. I really don't know, this healing stuff is always hard and there are a million answers to single questions sometimes I think.

I have come a long way but I have even further to go. I will leave the piece until next week but it will then be my turn and that is scary.

[sanmagic7]

i'm on the porch with you, tending to you till you get better.  whatever you need.  hot lemon tea with honey?  more blankets?  a cuddle now and then?  they're yours.  love you.