Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Deep Blue]

San and I will both be on the porch for you honey.  I think not going to group was a wise decision.  Your body needs rest more than anything else. I have a stuffed animal heating pad for you too

[Elphanigh]

You both just made me smile so much. 

San, tea with honey is my go to with some hot chocolate from time I time when I need something to vary it up. Blankets and cuddles as well. I feel very warm, safe, and loved. Perfect for recuperating.

Deep Blue, that sounds lovely. My knee is really sore from the weather and my body could use the heat for just general cold aches  You are right it was probably wisest to not to go to group

[Hope67]

Wishing you some warmth and a lovely relaxing evening.    to you, Elpha.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

A good friend of mine pointed out yesterday just how often I have been sick in the last few months... all ear/respiratory junk. My immune system is really not doing its job atm. Sadly, as she pointed out, there is probably some underlying reason for my system not defending against these better. I used to never get sick, and now any bug I come into contact with I seem to get and then it mutates to be even worse than whoever had it before me. *Sigh*

This brings me to needing to probably find a doctor to look at it... for anyone that has read much of my journal it is common knowledge how I feel about doctors, and why. In this case it is a necessary evil that I am not looking forward to. However, I am on day 6 of this junk and it isn't getting better. A few of the mothers in my office at work are on me about going and I know I need to, I just hate it. It means money, but also means dealing with the possible trigger of going.

My little ones are really unhappy about being sick though. One because I have no energy to be helping them, it takes all I have to make it through my work days. Two, because when I was sick at those ages I didn't have a particularly good caretaker so they are craving the care they never got and I am only so capable of giving it because I do still have to function at work etc... Also because doctors scare them, more than they scare adult me. I haven't exactly had good experiences with them in my life. 

Just waiting on insurance info and I will call around to see if anyone can get me in. Hopefully not too long a wait. I wouldn't normally go in, but my ribs and stomach are hurting from all the coughing I have been doing. It is starting to really drain me, more than I would care to admit. 

[sanmagic7]

reaching out in a caretaking way, my darling el.  i've had antibiotic problems in the past as well.   sometimes it's just not the right med for the problem, and yep, a change must be made.  is there any way you can simply call (without having to visit the office), tell them what's happening, and have them issue a new scrip to the pharmacy over the phone?  that could eliminate the office visit and all those neg. feelings.  just thinking out loud here.

sending a hug to all the little you's, too, to help them weather the illness.  just gathering all of you in, ems-style.  hope you feel better real soon, sweetheart.  love you always.

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for reaching out. Sadly I haven't been to the doctor for any of this so I have just been taking normal over the counter cold meds. Which helped for a time but they don't seem to be affecting this much anymore. I also admittedly don't have just a normal GP at this point, so this will likely take care of that problem as well. It is something I should have, but haven't since I was like 12.  I appreciate you thinking aloud, but there is not way to avoid this one.

All my little ones really appreciate the hug, it is warm and comforting. I hope I feel better soon too, I have a million things I want to be doing and this is making it really hard to do any of them. Grad school applications are around the corner, I can't go to the yoga studio feeling like this, and I am starting that trauma informed book club on Saturday. I want to not be coughing my lungs out when I lead that first call. It is beyond exciting to start doing official work with trauma survivors, even if it is just running a book club for a non-profit I am passionate about. I just really want to feel well for it *sigh*

[Elphanigh]

Writing my statements of purpose/ personal statements, for graduate programs is really making me see a lot of things. Like, yes I am a healer by nature always have been. I spent a lot of time trying to not be, because when I had bad boundaries it only got me hurt. That my past filled with abuse, neglect, and other awful treatment does truly affect my decision to go into an MSW program. I don't decide to go into social work because its sounds fun... I am driven to do so because I have seen the worst of the world, braved it alone, and never want anyone to have to go through that. I want to be a light for someone that is trekking through the darkness of trauma (current or past) because I have been there. I know what having a person to help means in these situations. I have lived it and do live it every day. So to try to say that my past is not affecting my decision would be a lie.

However, unlike when I was younger, I can see that isn't necessarily a bad thing. People that don't have trauma readily accept that their experiences fuel their adult choices. Why on earth would it be bad for me to do the same? I spent a long time swearing that my past didn't make me, that I wasn't those experiences, and that I would never allow my past to choose my future. Which meant I stayed away from healing profession and anything to do with healing work, because going into that meant I was letting my past 'win'. I see that differently now. My experiences of trauma aren't all that I am by any means, but they have shaped so much of the person I choose to be. I spent the majority of my life experiencing awful traumas, and denying that part of me is like denying a half of myself... what makes this good though is that I choose to use them for good. I choose to use my lived experience to help someone else maybe have an easier go at it.. or to at least  light their way to peace and healing.

Maybe just maybe letting my past influence this is okay. It gives me the heart to go into this kind of work and love it. To want to do this for the rest of my life.



I need to get that across in my statements.. I need to be able to convey professionally that my experiences as a kid, and even in my own healing work make me perfect for this field. They make me driven, passionate, and so capable of doing good. It is all I have ever truly wanted to do. That light that all of you see in me, I am starting to see it in myself and getting my MSW will help me cultivate that into a career that can potentially help so many people. I could be, as Deep Blue would tell me, a flashlight.

You all inspire me to be better, and to chase after these things. My inner critic is quieter because of all of you, and my faith in me is stronger. Even Wife#2 (miss her soooo much) used to say she saw a light in me, the first time she did still sticks in my head. It is hard to express how much the people here make me a better person, and how this place is like a home but it truly is. 

Done with what turned into a very sappy post. I wanted to just write about the difficulties of these because I was struggling to say what I meant and how my experiences would help, but looks like it came right across here.

[Deep Blue]

I loved this post.  Sappy or not I think it is excellent AND very true. 

I would look at a healing profession as an opportunity to channel the light within you.  In a sense, that's why I got into teaching too.  I wanted to give others what I didn't have as a kid.  I'm proud of what I do.  The way I look at it... kids may not remember exactly what I taught them.... but chances are, they will remember how I made them feel. 

Well done flashlight 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you loved it. It just kind of happened as I needed to write.

Part one of my adventure to helping people starts Saturday. The Healing Book Club I have been creating for the CPTSD Foundation (related to/ran by the same people as Trauma Recovery University) starts Saturday at 3pm my time. I am nervous to be a leader for it, and still mildly astounded that they chose me for this project. Hoping that my cough can subside long enough to allow me to run it without too much trouble. It is a start to be truly being a light and advocate for other survivors, to share my light.

Now to just write these statements for school.... I can write here but freeze up at the idea of them. I will get there just need to sit down and go for it.

I am glad you look at teaching in the same way. Those kids are so lucky to have you. I would have given anything to have a teacher like you then. Mine seemed to care and do a lot for me in the classroom, but would never have reached out to have action taken like you do for your kids. 

Thank you for always reminding me of my light. I wear the nickname Flashlight with such honor, it means the world

[sanmagic7]

if you are able to write your thoughts on your application as beautifully as you do here, well, they would be pretty dense not to feel that light and know its truth.  no, our past doesn't have to define us, but it certainly influences us.  i was doing phone counseling long before i became a therapist, influenced by the movie 'the burning bed'.  after i read the book, i was compelled to help other women because it touched me somewhere inside i hadn't been consciously aware of.

you sound so strong in this now, el.  i'm so very proud of you, proud from a mom place within, if that's not being too presumptuous.  i'm just bustin' my buttons, proud that you're in my life.  i do believe that when we follow our passion, it's the very best we can do, and that shines thru all over the place.

fly, darling el.  spread those wings and soar.  we'll be watching your future with admiration and satisfaction.   love and hugs always. sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

San,

I am struggling to write these applications. It feels less genuine and just contrived when I write them... like I am just one of hundreds of people that have some sob story and want to help people because they never got help. I start to answer their questions and put my thoughts in more formal writing and I just feel generic, like nothing about what I write makes me different from anyone else.

Here I can be open and emotional... on those I need to be stable and mature, with wisdom beyond my 24 years... To show professionalism and passion all at once. I don't know how to convert the passion I showed here into writing that is appropriate there. So much pressure lies on these statements because my previous grades and such are all good but that isn't their main deciding factor in these for once. I don't even have test scores to show off this time. I think with my undergrad I could hide behind numbers, pretty references, honors certificates, and an extracurricular sheet several miles long. That doesn't work here.

How to show them who I am, within the range of their questions and font styles. I have written paper after paper, writing is a strong suit of mine but I am freezing with these. I know I am an intelligent, well experienced writer, so it is frustrating to feel so stuck with these. I have written 20 page papers in the span of 8 hours, and used to write 6 page paper every other day without even blinking an eye. On subjects far less familiar than myself.

I will figure it out. I need to just sit down and write... see what comes out and then figure out how to answer their questions with it. To at least give myself a paragraph or two of showing who I am before I address all the particulars. Each school has a different set but they are all asking why SW, why this school, and are you capable. Just in very different ways.


Thank you for seeing my strength in this decision, and being proud of me. I have no problem with you being proud from a sort of mom place within you, not presumptuous at all. I am grateful to have you to care about me like that. It means the world.

Hopefully my wings don't get stuck, I am trying to learn to spread them out fully. I have flown before but this is a different full wingspan type flying that I am not quite used to.

Love to you my dear. I am beyond grateful for you sharing so much light and love. 

[sanmagic7]

i know what these applications are like, having been there myself.  not fun, nervewracking, wanting to get it just right.  do you need letters of recommendation?  can you get any?  i don't doubt they'd go a long way to help you.

i came to this from an undergrad college that didn't have grades (the grad school i chose was in the same city and was aware of how that curriculum worked), but we needed 3 letters from profs, sealed.  i don't remember anything about what i wrote, tho.  i think i just asked god to give me the words, and let my pen do its thing.  maybe that doesn't work for you, but you'll find your own way.

best to you with this, sweetie.  i think you'd be wonderful for this profession.  as far as why sw, it's the degree that allows the most flexibility in the helping professions.  that's how i always looked at it, anyway.  i certainly didn't want to become a soc. worker, per se, but the msw is what allowed me to become a therapist.  it was a means to an end.

fingers crossed and prayers flying.  take a deep breath, let it out, relax, and let the powers that be help you.  you don't have to do it on your own.  love and hugs, always.

[Elphanigh]

I appreciate you sharing your understanding here. It is nerve wracking to get it just right. I want so badly to get into a program. Yes, all schools require at least two, most of them require three. I have a list of people I am composing emails to for these. I am sending them my updated resume as well as a sample statement of purpose so they can write well informed letters.  They should help me a lot.

I will find my way into writing, normally I sit down with some music and tell myself to just write. Let is flow without thinking too much at first and then go back to correct it. I need to just put myself in the write head space to do that. I have also really wanted to start writing a book when all of this is done. I doubt I will finish it anytime soon but it is on a list of things I want to do in my life, and I feel inspired to write it.

The MSW is a means to that end for me as well, which a lot of schools recognize as a very valid path in this way. All of the schools I am applying to certainly do, and offer some form of trauma informed care focus/certificate/emphasis etc.. so I can further my own specialized interests while getting the general knowledge as well. I have truly done my research and work on this path.

Thank you for the prayers and crossed fingers, I need them both. I will sit and just let writing happen at some point. I am glad to not be alone 

[Elphanigh]

So I have a doctor's appointment in a like 3 hours for whatever respiratory infection I have.. Made the appointment and then made a possible follow up for just a general GP check up in a few weeks. Did the call and everything without too much of a scare but goodness I am an anxiety ball now. I have a big fear of doctors to the extent it is an avoidance of them, despite my need to see them. I have gone over a year and a half without seeing one because one I am generally healthy, two finances, three I am just terrified of them. Unless I absolutely have to I avoid them like the plague.  My prospective GP would also be able to do the female exam at some point, which I think I avoid even more than just general doctors..

This fear is certainly not without cause. The last time I saw a doctor it was at an urgent care, and he sexually harassed me while also doing nothing to actually treat me. I choose to go in, and was very anxious about doing so because I don't have a good relationship with doctors.. It bit me in the tail, and cost me a lot of money to just be harassed.. This one is with a female, whom I don't know, but has good reviews and is covered by my new insurance. All things point to this being okay and safe.. but that does not help the terrified parts of me that have no trust in doctors.. That as a little kid have blurry memories of something at a doctor's office not being right.. and whose abusers claimed they were care takers or learned things from doctors that would help me, when really they were just abusing me in ways I can't bring to words right now.

Nothing about doctors has ever been safe. 

[Hope67]

Dear Elpha,
I just wanted to send you a hug of support and also hope that your appointment will be ok - it's good to hear that the female doctor has good reviews.  Maybe imagine the adult you holding a supportive golden bubble of love and protection - all safe and secure, around your littles - or another similar visual that works for might work for you, and I hope very much that you'll be ok.    to you Elpha.

I really empathise with your fear of doctor's - I have also experienced fear about this, and still do.


But I hope you'll be ok.  Thinking of you.   
Hope