Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope  The visual is a really helpful idea.

I should be okay, will go, get it over with, and then go home to do some major self care.

[Elphanigh]

Managed to contract bronchitis, so I have lots of meds and should be feeling better soon.

The doctor wasn't too bad, she qas nice and not triggering, just the office so i am okay. Just glad there is an explanation for all of this.


Funny enough my M (who I caught this from) went to the doctor today too and had it so bad they told her she would have been in the hospital Monday had she not gone in today. Glad I went and that she went. As she said it is bad when we both go in.

Says a lot as we bith avoid doctors for different reasons

[Elphanigh]

Definitely feeling imposter syndrome and an obnoxious inner critic. My roommate pointed it out as I was telling her that my CV doesn't appear to be full enough.. that my volunteer experience and education seems small when put on paper. I know that is a lie that my ICr is telling me, it is good at telling me I am not enough. That my accomplishments are not enough.


The medicine from yesterday is helping although the steroids they gave me for my lungs make me jittery. The trigger from the doctor was honestly not too bad, maybe I am making some progress.


The book club went well, it was nerve wracking but I have officially held my first live virtual meeting for trauma survivors. It is beautiful to have the ability to do so. I will grow into the opportunity I think 

Lots going on but I am struggling to put into words what is swirling around tonight. Maybe it will come to me. For now I will leave it there

[Deep Blue]

Keep taking the time you need to heal sweetie.  You are correct that your ICr is lying to you. In my experience it tends to try and speak up and kick me when I'm down.  I'll tell it to hush up for you.

You are enough.  You are more than enough.  Many people don't do any volunteering.  Many people have not overcome what you have overcome.  Many people lack compassion.  You are articulate and wonderful my dear. Hope you feel better and better each day 

[Elphanigh]

I will try to be patient with the healing, although that is truly difficult sometimes. I am not the most patient with sick. Thank you for telling my ICr to be quiet.

Your kind words mean a lot. It helps that I have come far enough to see truth in them. My icr is just creative sometimes 

[Elphanigh]

Trying to put last night into qords will be harder today, but I came home and had sooo many words. I will borrow from them.

I feel so hopeful and positive. Had a good session last night. Going back over treatment plans and assessments (insurance purposes and what not) made me see how much progress I have made in nine months.

Then recognizing just how far I have come from High school. I didn't ever believe I would get to be healthy. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares every day were my life. I figured either it would kill me or I would learn to just deal with them. My current reality would have been unimaginable for me back then.

But last night, seeing my ptsd scores drop 20 points and be in a space where it is hard to deny the fact I will likely celebrate a day where I don't fit that diagnosis anymore is huge. Hearing ny T celebrate the drop, but then be even more exicted because she is so certain that we will get to celebrate that day. I love her use of we sometimes, reminds me I trult have a therapist that celebrates this big moments.

It still feels like a foreign idea, but seeing how the criteria are represented and just knowing how much has changed it feels possible. Like one day, I will have symptoms but they won't be something I deal with daily.. that I can have a full career and life that isn't driven by how my trauma is affecting it currently. The idea I might not always be able to say I have cptsd is mind blowning.

I let myself get excited and hopeful yesterday, seeing the progress and seeing where I still have yet to go. It was a amazing to let myself blow my own mind.

I will keep healing and working towards that possibility. I am feeling grateful for the journey this morning.

I know group tonight will be hard, so I am trying to hold on this.

[Deep Blue]

 

That's awesome! I like that she said we too.

May I also say we at the forum are happy for you? 

[Three Roses]

May I also say we at the forum are happy for you? 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both  I love that I can celebrate here and be heard. Even if that means I may not always fit the cptsd diagnosis in a place that is for just that.

I know it will be a while, but if I drop like I did in the last nine months again by the time I go to grad school it is completely possible I won't meet enough of the criteria. I didn't truly know that was possible, and certainly never imagined I could be saying it was possible for me. It gives me hope and all the more motivation to go on and help so many other people reach that too. It may not happen this year, or even in five years granted it seems like it will unless I just choose to stop healing, but that isn't in my nature.

Part of me is almost brought to tears by it at this moment for the girl I was even a year ago. I had no idea how far I would come. I did even a year ago believe that I would either learn to deal with the symptoms and function despite them, or I would finally decide it was too much. I remember being truly suicidal a year ago. Last September I believe was the last time I truly wanted it to end, but there was a lot of wondering whether or not that would come back for a good portion of this year. So for that girl, and for the girl in hs that used to hide in her room because she didn't know where she was because of a flashback or who had to put on a face after a panic attack that put her on the floor, I weep inside a bit. There is a grief for all of the pain, from back then... I mean there is pain now too but it is different. Somehow over the last year it has changed forms and become more manageable because I have done lots of work. I feel like that was a jumble, but it is just emotional for me in this moment.

I will likely have more to tell after group today as well, but it will be different. I am nervous to do my piece this week.

[Three Roses]

Encouragement and supportive thoughts for you, dear beautiful Elph! 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Three Roses  Means the world.

I am calmer now, just got into my emotional brain a bit this morning. I have worked through the mass of anxiety to see a lot of fear of rejection going on with some of my littles, and just some reluctance to trust from them because the trauma is so much of who they are. It is like the worst safety blanket ever, but they don't know any different. That unknown is scary.

Then the idea of letting group into some of the more sticker things is hard. We are just doing birth circumstances but those nine months are a start to my traumas. To the pattern of family dysfunction, death, physical abuse, and just general trauma. So I want to hide  I will be brave though. My T and I talked about the next session, and she likes having me in group but did also want to make sure we and truly I thought through how that would function as we get into the older ages. If we stick with the timeline, I am not sure I can be comfortable with trying to depict that part of my life. I would either be omitting large chunks of trauma, or probably overwhelming myself trying to put the big T traumas down. My life from the age of 2 to 13 is just trauma after trauma, I live in a state of constant fear and survival mode. I can put myself through those in my normal sessions, but I feel like that is too much to share, too much to do sculpts on. I have come a long way but it is hard to envision myself being able to do that.

I love group and being able to process work I am currently doing, but I don't think that working through those traumas in that way would be particularly helpful for me or the group. I would love to do more work on my M and maybe general stuff about some of my abusers but nothing like what I think will happen if I choose to stay. This does mean I may be able to have a second session in my week with my T to really hammer away at this stuff. I would love to be able to do that.

We will see how it goes. If group changes and goes back to how she used to do it I will stay. If not I think it is not the way in which I will best heal. This early stuff is okay but the later parts of my life are too much (sad later in this case means after I am 2) 

I feel like I am a bit all over the board today. Will see how it continues to go. I really can't wait for lunch break at this point.

[sanmagic7]

love you, el.  you go, girl!   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you my dear  love you too

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I wanted you to know that I've read some of your Journal, and wanted to send you a gentle supportive hug 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you hope