Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Deep Blue]

Silent support to you from me 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Deep Blue  I appreciate the support coming in a calm, quiet form today

[Elphanigh]

So I was remembering from when I was like two. I got fragments of memories kind of on loop last night a few hours after my therapy session. Caused a pretty intense body shaking flashback. I managed to calm down from that on my own, with lots of grounding (there is progress hidden in all of this)

The images are not necessarily surprising or like the worst of anything I have seen or experienced. I am quite used to them on some level, and there are certainly more traditionally horrific things that easily come to mind.

But this is more outright abuse from a younger age than I would have before said was the case. I know I came upon that realization before vacation but had really been trying to deny it. At least until I could deal with it consciously. There was a part of me that was afraid to remember and know things. Because I want there to not ever be more, I want what I know to be my truth and story to be enough, it certainly is for any one person.

The idea I was abused more overtly at two or younger, does kind of help understand why I wouldn't have dissociated much when I was five or six.  It also is just still very painful something about that age makes it worse to me. I know logically it really isn't but emotionally I am struggling more to accept it. However I do have images and my body certainly feels is very strongly.


*trigger warning*


From what I can tell I was rather conditioned to play a game... in the sense you teach a child a special game and it becomes a secret so the little kid feels cool and important. Which is not the only time something of that form happened, but this felt and appeared different from others. It feels a lot different coming from that age than it did in times when I was older that I understood what it meant..l when I was older I knew it meant some form of hurt but that young i didn't understand or know, and certainly didn't have words for it. I had no basis of understanding so I don't connect words so easily, and my body feels all of the fear and confusion etc

*end trigger warning*


I have wanted nothing but to curl under blankets, have warm things, and kind of cocoon myself. Nothing loud or sudden noise wise, and then certainly nothing harsh to the touch. Like every bit of my body just needed to not intake anything back because it has been processing the physical sensations that i now understand but really didn't then... mildly exhausting.

Thanks for reading if you did. I am trying to put words to it, because it helps bring it to my more logical adult self.. rather than the younger traumatized part of me

[Ellis]

I'm sorry to hear about this flashback of yours, Elphanigh. But I commend you for your grounding skills and ability to self care! It's really what you need and deserve the most right now.
It breaks my heart to know this abuse has happened to you at such a young age, my heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Ellis  I have spent a long time working on those grounding skills. Was still unfortunately unable to go to work today but I am glad I self cared. The early age breaks my heart too... I knew I had traumas from before birth even, but the more overt abuse is still relatively new knowledge for me. 

[Elphanigh]

I am better ish today, still pretty easily overwhelmed and wanting to hide but I am able to be at work and function at a level I need to today. Two more hours here but I am taking a small mental break to write here.

I sat with little me a lot of yesterday. Both the two year old version of me and my teenage self needed attention. The two year old is scared and doesn't feel heard or didn't because I had not yet been able to sit and learn from her. Yesterday definitely forced me into it. Teenage me was blocking that on some level, feeling some resentment towards her that was really fueled by fear. She is afraid to feel as broken as she felt when she was reliving those memories at that age.. when my flashbacks and panic attacks were body shaking and unmanageable. Afraid to feel that fear and loneliness again because of these memories and feelings.

The part of me that didn't want to know, because I was afraid of what would happen was her. That was the part that was terrified of what two year old me has to share, and the outcome of that. I am working to not be afraid of it anymore, helping both those parts of me while also holding up my adult life is difficult in this moment. But I am strong and have managed so much, that won't be undone by memories from when I was 2. I may have some bad days, yesterday and today really being some of them... but I will heal this too. Just have to keep having faith and keep allowing people around me to help.

My T said (well texted) something to me yesterday as a response in a conversation we were having and it stuck with me, it has been a sort of mantra today "You are not a handful. You deserve attention when you feel vulnerable" Those simple words definitely made me tear up in the very vulnerable, hurt state I was in, but they meant the world to me. Also just resonated with something I needed to hear.

Anyways back to the responsible adult world for a few hours

[sanmagic7]

o my dear sweet el, ems is sending angel wings (the very softest of the soft) to wrap you up in warmth and tenderness until you stop shaking. 

your t is absolutely correct - you are not a 'handful' and anyone who said that to you was wrong.  you are so precious, all your selves, and all you and they ever deserved was kindness, caring, protection, and love.   never, never any kind of putdown or abuse.

i'm so very glad you have those grounding skills - you've been preparing for this for a long time.  it just shows all the difficult work, time, energy, and determination you've given to clean out the poison that has been fed you.  you've carried and buried it for so long, and it's being exhumed.  thank you god for watching over this sweetheart of a person.

sending lots of love and the gentlest of hugs to you, sweetie. 

[Elphanigh]

My dear, you have brought more tears but healing ones today. The wings are perfectly soft and a comfort even as I have stopped shaking, my littles really haven't. I will need to spend a lot of time healing this particular wound now that it has come to the front. So knowing ems can send soft wings to keep me warm and safe through the shaking is amazing. The visual is instantly calming.

I am always grateful you agree so much with my t. That added validation really helps put those words even further into where I can start to accept and take them in to myself. There were many people in my life that told me I was a handful, or was too much anytime I wasn't being the perfect little robot that I can come off as when needed. I still deal with the aftermath of those words every time I am feeling at all emotional or dealing with any thing that isn't just happy good things which is a lot in my life. So thank you for reminding me they were wrong and that I never deserved to be told that

Groundings skills have come such a long way. I did spend all day at home yesterday because I just could not come that far out of it yet. Grounding kept me from being completely lost in the fragments and sensations but did not allow me to fully function until today. I am grateful for the skills, it was a hard fought battle to learn them. A lot of work and determination as you put it. I am really grateful that you recognized that from all that I wrote... I would not have applauded myself for just keeping it together yesterday otherwise.

lots of love and a gentle hug back. I still haven't allowed a single human to touch me yet not since my t hugged me on Wednesday night before all of this junk happened.  Think I am finally open for that to actually happen so slightly hesitant, but very welcomed gentle hugs 

[sanmagic7]

gently, gently, take your time, darlin'.  all the time you need.  this was a horrific blow to your system on more than one level.  time is yours, as much as you need.  gentle, soft hug, when you're ready, and love forever.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, I will take the time I need to accept it. Honestly my body is still getting over a trigger that happened later yesterday evening that sent every nerve in my body reeling. I went outside and the noise and lights overwhelmed me.. then I have a drop of water fall on me and it was physically painful like every bit of my skin then jsut felt like it was going to melt off...

I don't honestly know what it was as I have never had something hit like that... I will ask my T.. but it has mean touch is very hard.. it was difficult before that trigger but that really solidified it.

I appreciate the reminder I can take my time here. 

[Three Roses]

Gentle hugs if you like, dear Elph. 

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, i appreciate the gentle hugs  will definitely take them.

[Deep Blue]

Just was thinking of you this morning.  I hope you got a good nights sleep and are feeling a little better today.

Much love and a gentle   

[Elphanigh]

It is sweet of you to think of me  I did get some sleep and am feeling much better today. I have good lunch plans and think they will fully reset my system

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I hope you enjoy those lunch plans, and that your system is reset as you'd like it to be.   
Hope