Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

I was going to come here today to write about my therapy session last night, and at some point I probably will. Instead I am coming here to write about a sense of major loss I am feeling today. I found out a friend of mine from my serving job passed away yesterday. No one will say how or exactly when, but eventually somethign will be said. We are waiting on finding out when the service will be as well.

For now I am trying to stay at work, because being home I will do me no more good then being here will be. So holding it together because I have to. Barely holding it together to be honest. He was not my closest friend but he was a good one. I work this weekend and was truly looking forward to seeing him. He lit up a room and always had a way of making my night no matter what was going on. I shared many after work drinks with him and slow lunch humor. He will be so missed, and I am not sure how to wrap my mind around this.

So I am here with a lot of pain in my heart and just trying to keep on going. 

[Hope67]

Dear Elpha, I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend from your serving job.  I am trying to find words - and just want you to know I am thinking of you - and I hope you'll manage to cope - I know you're trying to stay at work - but be kind to  yourself - and sending you the gentlest of hugs.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope  My plan is to leave work as soon as one of my coworkers gets back from lunch. They can handle the last few hours without me. Need some time to sit with this and just be home with comfort things 

[Deep Blue]

So sorry to hear about your loss sweetie.  I've lost far too many and each loss is different.  Please be gentle with yourself and grieve the way that feels right. 

[woodsgnome]

I'm sad to hear of the loss of your dear friend. May you find the inner strength and peace you need.

I hope it's at least comforting to know that we fully supports you as you seek to weather this rough time.



 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both so very much. It does help to know I am supported here as I keep walking through all of this. I am not exactly sure what I feel but I feel a lot so it will just be a matter of being patient with myself as I go. 

[Three Roses]

Elph 

[Elphanigh]

 

Thank you Three Roses 

[sanmagic7]

 

o, honey, i'm so sorry.  really.  my heart is with you, as is ems.  we're always there, right beside you as you go thru this process of loss and grief.    and much love, my darling el.

[Elphanigh]

San  I really appreciate the reminder of ems, I forget her sometimes when I need her the most. I am welcoming work as a stressful but useful distraction today.

I think I can write more about what is going on. Monday my therapy session was super powerful. I spent a lot of it listening to the little 2 year old part of myself that was sharing her memories and feelings with me last week when I was unprepared. So I sat for a long time, with my therapist there to help, and just took in all the information she wanted to give me. It was admittedly a lot, but it felt good to let her share what she needed to. It is sad and hard to see but it does connect to other instances and make things make more sense. So I am absorbing those pieces into my story, and learning how to put them in place. It will be a bit of a road with that but I am starting the process at least. The body sensations are something we started to work a bit to release some of it, and I have found an ability to hold onto the information without so much fear and overwhelm because of that.

College applications are up in the air. My alma mater is withholding my official transcripts which will at very least probably cost me UNI which is my favorite program.. but it is the first one due and I am not sure that I can jump through the hoops with my alma mater quickly enough. I did have them send unofficials in hopes that they would allow me to take a bit more time to get the officials to them if they truly like my application they may. I am still trying to get officials to them on time, but it will take a miracle. As will fixing this for the other schools but at least I have a few more weeks for them.

Last night was my last official group session. I did decide to not come back for the next session because I believe it is not what my healing needs most right now. I will miss those women so much, but the method the group is using would not work for the age group they are getting into. We do have game night next week, and I will be invited to any they may have next session, so that will be nice but group itself is done for now.

Then my friend. He lost his battle to depression.. it is still hard to say that he committed suicide because I hate to know he was in so much pain and that none of us saw it. I have been in that dark place and was lucky enough to be pulled out of it. It is hard to wrap my mind around losing him still, he was such a light and had the best laugh I have ever heard. He is missed by all of us. So I am not yet fully coming to terms with this loss but I will get there.

Thank you all for being with me through all of this.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, too many times, as you may personally know, we don't let people in when we're in those dark places.  i have no doubt he had a great laugh, and i'm sure you will miss it.  and him.  so very sorry, really.  it's impossible, really, to even guess at what kind of pain someone might be in.   it just sucks.

good luck with applications and transcripts and such.  i hope things will get smoother with all that.

my admiration for you just keeps increasing.   letting your story now include 2 yr. old you and her story.  that's an awful lot.  kudos to you and your t for going thru it, for your strength, and for her help with this for you.  you're beautiful.   love and hugs, always.

[Elphanigh]

San, yes too many times... I just hope he is in peace and okay now. I love him and hate so much that something put him in so much pain... the grief and feelings come in waves. Today I felt some anger, not at him but other things surrounding it. Also just immense sadness. It will be okay one day but for now it is confusing and painful. He wold want us all to remember him happy and to be together with each other. I know that.

I hope school smoothies out too. It is a scramble at this point but it is happening. One step at a time.

Thank you for always admiring my strength and recovery.. it is a tough journey but I am glad I can start to incorporate her into this. Early trauma is so important but so very different. It does feel like a lot, I am grateful you see it. I am grateful my t gave me the space to listen to her without needing to say anything to her except to occasionally answer that I was doing okay in that space. For her to sit and witness as I let that new information come and form is amazing. It was a really good idea on her part. Worked really well. We talked afterwards a lot and found some new connections with my teenage self as well.


She even, after we got side tracked, said the words "when you become a therapist" which still just astounds me. It is something I am really holding onto because she sees the future I could have. With the education I am chasing she thinks I will step out of school and be where she was five years ago. I do see genuine excitement for me and what I will be able to do. It is nice and encouraging.

Lots of love to you, also hugs 

[Hope67]

Dear Elpha,
I hope that you're managing to get whatever you need at this time - and those things your T said to you - they are huge - great that she is genuinely excited for you and your future - that is so good.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 

I feel stronger and more like I can manage today. Last night my S sent me a picture of my niece and I just burst into tears. Something about that finally let some tears fall for all of this. I hadn't cried over the new memories or the loss of my friend yet. It needed to happen and start to release that junk. I think because I released some of this I got some actual sleep last night and my energy is starting to return. I am still kind of waning (it is only 2:40 here) but it is much better than it was at this hour yesterday. I am thankful for any energy I can get back.

I did make a big step forward with school stuff as well yesterday. I sent my requests for recommendations to the people that agreed to write them for me. It is great to have those done. I am making a phone call I have to in order to get some stuff cleared with my alma mater tonight, and hopefully I will be well on my way to this problem being solved tomorrow. Here's hoping.

Otherwise I am just self caring and doing all I can to be kind and not judgmental of whatever I am feeling. 

Thank you all for sitting with me through all of this

[Elphanigh]

Found out that services are on Monday, so now I know. Unfortunately I am not even granted a full day off. I am coming into work for a few hours before, going, giving myself and hour or two of rest and then working the later part of the day. Will likely work 5 or 6 hours that day still. *sigh* gotta love corporate america sometimes  Either way they called it a celebration of life which I really appreciated about it. Will be glad to get to be there, even if funerals are terribly hard.

With schools. I think that my Alma mater is going to cost me my favorite program but everything else should be okay. Thank goodness. All of this is also making me get my finances a little more together so maybe that is a big plus? Who knows, but it is how I am choosing to look at it. That whole positivity thing  I am still just elated for the day that I become a Therapist. It is like I have finally figured out what it is I am meant to do. So hoops and paperwork can come at me, I am determined and they have no idea who they are dealing with.

Little me has been doing really well to allow me to feel all of the adult stresses and loss. I am trying to sit with her a bit each day just so she does not feel abandoned but it feels like she is better now that I have listened and knows that I will keep working on those things with her. Therapy on Monday will likely be very intense, but I have game night on Tuesday which will be really good for me.

It is a lot of moving pieces but I am managing and juggling like a boss without going into overwhelm or survival mode. It is a challenge and still pretty exhausting but I can safely say that I am doing this all as healthily as I can. This place is truly wonderful and makes me feel like this is all possible. Not sure what I would do without all of you