Elpha's adventure pt. 2

Deep Blue · December 07, 2018, 05:42:36 PM

Best of luck and strength to you at the service. In my experience deaths by suicide are very difficult.

I don't know if it will work for you, but I try to tell myself that they are no longer suffering. Safe

if it feels ok

sanmagic7 · December 07, 2018, 06:18:14 PM

not sure what i'd do w/o you, either, sweetie.

i know funerals are hard - have been to a fair number. i've been able to utilize them, not only to say farewell, but also to let tears flow that have been stuck, even if for an unrelated subject. no one else knows exactly why i'm crying, but it's a place where crying is not only appropriate but accepted. i've gotten a lot of grief tears out, even about other issues, at funerals.

i agree that i believe your friend has found peace now, and is out of pain. that's always been important to me to believe. we will all be with you there, too, as well as ems, embracing you, giving you strength.

i'm glad you were able to let some of those tears out. it's a very sad situation. sending love and a warm, caring hug.

Elphanigh · December 07, 2018, 07:34:08 PM

Deep Blue, lots of hugs back

I greatly appreciate the strength for the service and the reminder it means he isn't in pain anymore. That is kind of how I have been trying to frame it. Each day that gets a little easier. I have witnessed a lot of death in my young life but suicide has come with more layers than the others. That or I am just more in touch with all of this than I have been with any other loss.

San, much the same response to you. I really appreciate the reminder it means he is not in pain any more. I am hoping to keep that. I have been to a lot of funerals in my relatively young life, lots of sudden illness, car wrecks etc... This death has brought up memories of a lot of those but with it a lot of other feelings as well that have been processing. Each day I get a bit better and a bit stronger. Just takes time I guess. Hopefully I will be able to get a few more tears out, but I know I am not normally able at funerals as strange as that is. It is part of past and just my own comfortably with other seeing me cry still. Maybe it will be different though, who knows.

I will take you and ems with me. You are both so calming and carry so much strength for me.

<3

Elphanigh · December 10, 2018, 03:25:19 AM

The funeral is tomorrow, and I am not quite prepared...

Honestly, I am not sure what other way to say that. I typed just that sentence and closed this for a while. Tears finally came to my eyes again. I missed him Friday night, and still just know that his energy is missing from the world. Such a kind soul and no one saw it coming, but all of us wish we had. That maybe just maybe we could have saved him.. I just miss him, and truly hope he is doing better now, whenever that may be.

I am going to go sit on the porch tonight. Will probably be there when everything is done tomorrow too.

Wattlebird · December 10, 2018, 08:23:03 AM

I'm so sorry about your friend, your right in saying a loss to suicide has so many more layers of grief, the "what if's" play with your head, and I'm sending some hugs and support for the service

Deep Blue · December 10, 2018, 01:29:08 PM

Hey sweetie,
Sitting with you today. Let the tears come if they come. Remember honey, there is no wrong way to grieve. Sending you love and support

we can catch you if your legs get shaky

Elphanigh · December 10, 2018, 06:03:25 PM

Thank you both

The services were beautiful and I am out at lunch with people in honor of him. It is good to be with people feeling the same way i am.

Tears did come some today as well, healing and important.

sanmagic7 · December 10, 2018, 07:04:21 PM

sweetie, i'm glad the tears came. yep, healing comes on their heels.

and much love.

Elphanigh · December 10, 2018, 07:13:52 PM

Thank you dear

Healing will come for sure. I decided to cancel my therapy session tonight so I could rest at home. That will be better for me tonight.

sanmagic7 · December 10, 2018, 07:16:45 PM

good for you - sounds like a wise decision. it's so cool that you're getting to know yourself so well, being more sure of what you need for you and moving forward with that. so very happy for you with that. love you always.

Elphanigh · December 10, 2018, 09:41:04 PM

I would not have noticed that in this instance, thank you for seeing it and pointing it out. Sitting at my very stressful job after all of that today is harder than I expected. I have the composure of a well trained spy I think, but it seems today is the day everyone wants me to do their job for them and my own job is broken in a few ways... *sigh*

You noticing that is a little silver lining in my day

love you lots

Elphanigh · December 14, 2018, 06:31:15 PM

I haven't been on the forum in several days, and even when I did post I wasn't reading much the last few weeks. I have felt since the 30th like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and have been unable to shake it. It is like I am constantly exhausted and no matter how much sleep or downtime I try to give myself I cannot recharge my battery. I am attempting to not carry the weight of everything all the time, I am trying to ground adn take it small pieces at a time, but it is like I just can't release some of it.

I have gotten to the point where I am telling myself that I "just need to make it to January and it will be better" or that "if you get to this day it will finally be okay "... or better yet "you can breathe after the 5th, just get there"

That mindset is not healthy and I need to nip it in the tail before it goes where I know this cycle ends. I am already drained and feel my limits being pushed for all they are worth. My mental and emotional energy are taking all of the information they can in.. and are way overloaded. I can exist in overload for a time but it has been since Thanksgiving... Physically that is finally wearing me down. I am feeling all of the exhaustion and just aches that happen when I have been just going for so long. The lack of wanting food, but then craving junk at other moments... and an exhaustion that can't simply be solved by more sleep or water... Eventually this will be completely burnt out me.. A fully burnt out Elpha is not useful to me or anyone else.. It will knock me out for multiple days and I don't want that. So something has to give, I am just not yet sure what will give.

Hopefully it will start with not working my second job tonight. I picked up two shifts for this weekend and I think that was more than I could handle. I need/want the money but I know there will be a lot of money in working Christmas Eve afternoon and just the one shift a week. Hopefully I get granted the evening off, one of my managers sent a restaurant wide message asking two people to take off tonight, so hoping I got to it soon enough to be one of the two granted the evening off. We will see...

Elphanigh · December 14, 2018, 08:07:22 PM

I did get the night off.

I am honestly proud of myself for choosing self care over cash in this moment. It is no longer the difference between me eating and not so it is okay. So tonight I will spend time with friends watching movies and laughing. It will be a much better fit for what I need .

Deep Blue · December 14, 2018, 08:10:33 PM

Atta girl,
It seems to me that you have lots of stuff that's trying to bubble up.

Keep taking care of yourself and it will come up when you feel more prepared to deal with it.
Much love

Elphanigh · December 14, 2018, 08:57:39 PM

Thank you for mentioning that DB

Thinking of it that was is kind of like a giant lightbulb. I had a batch of new information and that loss that were obvious stressors, and then just crazy amounts of work which is enough to warrant some of this but not all of it considering my ability to handle things. The idea that there is stuff working and trying to bubble up makes this make so much more sense. The complete exhaustion and just in ability to rest no matter what I try is understandable when I put it that way