Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Deep Blue]

 

[Elphanigh]

 

Always lots of love to you my dear

[sanmagic7]

ems and i are by your side always, my dearest el.  db may be onto something, and it seemed to register for you, too.  hang tough - just make it thru today.  tomorrow, you can make it thru tomorrow.  i'm asking for the strength for you to do that, just one day, then one day, then one day. . . .

that's how i've gotten to today. 

love you so, and  gathering you in.

[Elphanigh]

Ah yes ems.. seems I forget her when I need her most sometimes. I will sit with you both and try to take in the love and strength you both offer by just being here for me. Thank you for askign for the strength to just get me though each day, one at a time. I will keep on keeping on, but goodness it is hard. I am hoping a night off and then having tomorrow to myself will help. Then Monday I will talk to my T about it. If I am still struggling I might message Saturday and see if there is anything she might suggest as well.

DB I think is onto something for sure. It really resonated with the way I am feeling and just emotions I have that don't necessarily make sense for the situation I guess. Hopefully it will start to sort itself out or become more apparent to me so I can start to deal with whatever is in the background of this already really stressful time. *Sigh*

Love you lots Sitting in that hug and refusing to leave for a little while.

[Elphanigh]

Small lightbulb and note to self so I will come back and write about this when I am not at work.  I found myself trying to listen to what it was I needed to see if maybe I could notice a source. I do know that what I want or feel like I need is quiet and for everyone to just go away and stop needing things from me. That is not a fully adult me need. In other moments of time while processing my traumas that has been what younger me wanted.. I came from a very loud environment where screaming was the start to a lot of awful things, and people were constantly talking, buzzing, or needing me to do something. 

I have a lot of thoughts but not the proper time to write, I just want to recognize I need to delve into that further

[sanmagic7]

with what you've been dealing with lately, quiet and some 'me' time sounds about right.  i think you're onto something, sweetie.

we will sit with you, hold you in a quiet embrace, asking nothing from you for as long as you want.  maybe even a little rocking, if that suits you.  love and hugs always.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, San. The quiet embrace is perfect. I have gotten to start my day very quietly, with no obligations to people yet. It has been what part of me needed. I don't think it is a fix all, but it is a start in a more healthy direction for me 

[Elphanigh]

So I spent therapy yesterday just grounding. I came in and when asked how I was my answer was " I am exhausted and just tired". Went on to eventually gather more words for everything that I have on my plate and the ways in which it has been wearing me out. My inability to let go and just relax etc... So we decided to spend the session doing some meditations and just giving me that chance to let go and find some true relaxation.

The ability to calm myself, and find that space when I am under a lot of pressure is still being developed. I wish I was better at it, but I know I am improving it is just a slow process. I am grateful my T is willing to help in those moments and able to talk through those meditations so I can truly  find rest. There is one that is a favorite for us both that works wonders for me. Although it is like 20 minutes long. My T talks through it rather than just finding a recorded one, and there is something reassuring about a voice I am very familiar with and trust so I can close my eyes and let go. To find the space that is between sleep and consciousness kind of thing. Either way just always grateful for her willingness to go the direction I need in my sessions, and just the fact she does have such a large set of tools at her disposal.

I am turning in my first grad school application. It is to the university of northern iowa, which is one of my favorite programs. It is hard to hit the submit button on this first one, once I do I can't change anything. Everything I wrote and turned in will be finalized and then it is up to them. It is also the first of 7 applications, and is a giant step. Last night I started applying to schools I never finished. So much got in my way and I was not truly determined at that point. This time I am basically done with at least 3 of them and the others are well on their way. I have planned and organized these for several months and am excited about this direction. Turning the first one in is just a huge marker and reminds me of my own nerves of not getting in, or doing so too early. I do believe I am ready though. I am doing such good work and I see how much I can continue to do. I think I am ready and that is a brilliant thing, so onward I go.

I am for the first time not going to be with my FOO on Christmas. I will be in my own apartment, seeing my roommates mom, a dear friend of mine, and likely skyping with my Foo for a little while. The rest of the day is mine though. It is hard to be away but at the same time really good. I don't have to deal with their stressors or go to a place that doesn't feel safe for me. I don't have to be around my uncle who would just be super triggering for me right now, and I get to maintain my life. So it is positive. I do miss some traditions and not getting to see my niece/siblings is a little different but I am grateful for the new traditions I will start making.

I feel more at peace about my friend, although still hurting over it. I like to think he is laughing and playing golf and poker somewhere. Listening to the obnoxious rap music he always loved. I think my friend group there is moving along and everyone will be okay which is important. We have come together more since it happened and I think he would be really grateful for that.

Anyways there is more, but this is the dose I can do at the moment. I am starting to settle in, just need to keep the reminder of the calm from last nights session. It is allowing me to breathe a little deeper and  find some peace even in the storm today

[Hope67]

So we decided to spend the session doing some meditations and just giving me that chance to let go and find some true relaxation.

The ability to calm myself, and find that space when I am under a lot of pressure is still being developed. I wish I was better at it, but I know I am improving it is just a slow process.

This sounds really great - Elpha.   

I'm glad to hear you're settling in - and breathing a little deeper, and that you found some peace even in the storm yesterday.    to you, Elpha. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 

It is hard to keep finding that sense of peace but I am going to a restorative yoga class tonight which should help. I am turning in my first grad school application tonight, and have so much going on but it is important to take the time to go to that class and give back to myself. I am finally better about knowing when I need to refuel a bit in order to keep up everything I am spending energy on. Hopefully, the class will help to recharge my battery a little bit.

[sanmagic7]

i remember when you first joined the forum, your first journal posts.  you were so much more scattered then, having a difficult time keeping yourself together.  the way you are able to speak about yourself now is so very different, sweetie.  you sound so much more mature, put together, whole.  it is an absolute delight to me to see how very much progress you have made.  you are amazing.

total support for you not being with foo for christmas - altho i know you'll miss a few, it seems like, where you are now, you are making a very solid decision for yourself.  i'm in the process of making new traditions as well, so i can relate to that aspect of it.  it's kind of fun and exciting. 

best of everything as those grad school applications go in.  i remember that feeling, that hope that i'll be deemed 'good enough' to be accepted into their program.  i'm so very glad that you've got 7 - i only had one, so it was more of a 'make it or break it' deal for me.  this seems like it would be less stressful, but i don't know.  it still carries a fair share of anxiety, worry, and stress with it.  embracing you thru this process.  they will get a gem, whoever accepts you.

and, forward.  i'm so proud of you, my dearest el.  love and hugs, always.

[Deep Blue]

I don't remember your first post, cuz I wasn't here yet    but I'm still blown away by you now flashlight.

You have had lots of tough stuff lately.  I'm glad your T helped you to ground.  I'd like to say more but am struggling a bit.  So I'll just send you love and a warm 

[Elphanigh]

San, I really want to find that first journal and do some reading. I think I found this place nearly two years ago (I need to look at my anniversary). I have spent so much time healing, getting to know myself, and really advocating for me. I feel like the person I was when I came here is so far distant from the person I feel like I am now. Will see if I can find that old journal. I am really curious now. Thank you for pointing that out, and for being on this journey with me. Your love and insights have added so much. I owe a good chunk of my progress to you and the other people that have been with me this last two years.

I think not being with them is probably wise. I am skyping with them that morning while we open some gifts, but I will try to keep that minimal so I can enjoy my christmas with a family I am choosing. My family of choice is growing and I am so grateful for all the people I consider to be foc. It is fun and exciting in a way to be making my own traditions. I am glad you are getting that excitement.

It is nerve wracking, but having 7 helps some. I am bound to get into at least one, but I have seen friends not get in at all (different programs) but just as many schools. The competition for masters degrees is super large right now. I know my odds are decent but this is where my self doubt kicks in the most. I have no doubt I will be a great therapist, because it is simply my nature. I have understanding that a lot of people won't have that I think will make me very good at it. However, my background is unusual and may steer schools away from me academically. So I worry I don't look "good enough" on paper. I know though, from other people, that I look a lot better on paper than I think. So I just remind myself of that.

I am glad I did not just apply to one, I am not sure I could even imagine just doing that... it would scare me like crazy. I do have my favorites that I would prefer but any of the 7 would give me the type of education I want.

Thank you for the support and love through this process. The waiting game will be hard. I know UNI says that they send acceptance or denial by January 20th, after than it will likely be March or Later before I know. Lots of waiting.


Lots of love to you my dear



Side note to all of that I feel ready. Like I know I am not "healed" or perfectly good at my coping mechanisms etc, but I don't need to be perfect to be ready. My own T isn't perfect and knows that. I don't need to be either. I am at a point where I am stable and healthy. Yes there are hard days and still a lot of trauma to process but I am at a space where I feel like I can go to school and be healthy. I can still continue my healing work, but be able to keep a balance. I feel truly ready, and one of the admissions committees will see that. Maybe multiple if I am lucky. This feels like what I am meant to be doing and working on. I have faith in myself which is new and exciting. I have been cultivating it for a long time and it feels like that has started to come to fruition. Knowing that I have so many wonderful people backing me is the cherry on top kind of thing. People I look up to and admire for various reasons are excited for me and see how much I could do. I finally also see it. I am beyond excited and cannot wait to submit this and be one step closer to this.

This is the first one, so it is a giant step but one I am so ready for. I have taken the time I needed to find my path and to heal myself. I also have another 9 months of healing work in front of me, before I would be starting school. So much can happen in that time and I will be even more ready.

I get really excited and smile so much thinking about this. I know I will be able to help and guide so many people, and give back in ways that I am so passionate about. It is a future that I am so excited to see unfold.


Little me gets excited too. When I was little I wanted to help the world. The method by which I was going to do that changed regularly, but I always wanted to help. There is a part of me that is a natural healer, and that does not have to be something I hide or feel shame about. It used to get me hurt, because I would help others to the extent it hurt me, or to think I could help people that were beyond my ability/control. Also narcs really love that personality so I got flocked to a lot. I have created boundaries and a strong sense of self though. So that healing part of me is no longer a weakness it is a strength and dare I say a light.


You all have shown me that. I do have a light that Is growing and is part of how I am starting to present myself in the world. Thank you all for seeing that in me when I couldn't.

Anyways, I get really worked up about this stuff obviously. I guess it shows this truly is where I am meant to go. So onward I go, taking the next step by hitting the submit button tonight.

[Elphanigh]

DB, thank you for coming here even when you are struggling  Lots of hugs headed your way.

[Elphanigh]

I went back and skim read my first journal. Oh my goodness, it is so different. Like I know that person and the mindset I was in back then but the change in a year and a half is astounding. I forgot that there were certain beliefs I was so truly stuck on at that point that are not a struggle for me now. Also what really strikes me is the relationship with my T. like it has come so very far. I can't even begin to explain just how different that relationship feels now.

Then my relationship with myself.. it is so much healthier. My self talk is kinder, and my self doubt is so much quieter.

It was a pleasure to read things from Wife#2 again. I miss her, and she crosses my mind pretty often but reading some of the original responses to that journal from her made me smile. She saw things I was never able to, and just had her own way of putting them all down. Including the phrase "emotional genuis" which is so much more apt now that I am applying to my MSW and want to be a therapist. Part of me knew it back then too but I  was not ready. Sor reading the phrase reminds me it has always been in me.

Grateful I read though it and can see how far I have come. This adventure is not for the faint of heart by any means. I do see how much work I have put in, and how much strength it has taken. Truly a warrior of sorts