Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Blueberry]

I went back and skim read my first journal. Oh my goodness, it is so different. Like I know that person and the mindset I was in back then but the change in a year and a half is astounding. ...

Then my relationship with myself.. it is so much healthier. My self talk is kinder, and my self doubt is so much quieter.
.....

Grateful I read though it and can see how far I have come. This adventure is not for the faint of heart by any means. I do see how much work I have put in, and how much strength it has taken. Truly a warrior of sorts

[Wattlebird]

That's great news Elphanigh

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both!

I turned in my first application last night!  Big deal for me but also kind of scary if that makes sense. I am so excited for what is to come though. I have 6 more to finish and turn in, and I just want to do them all so I can know.

I also had the pleasure of reading one of my letters of recommendation. One of my references who I have been becoming much closer to over the last three months or so wanted to share with me what she wrote (provided I was okay with it). I agreed to read it because I was curious. She is my  reference from the CPTSD foundation and more of a personal/semi-professional reference. Whereas the other two are professors from my under grad. I believe her insights would be valuable because they knew more of my current work with survivors and she could speak to me on a more personal level than my professors could. So I was very curious about what she wrote.

This is a person I look up to. One that I deeply admire, and am so grateful to get to work with on a professional level but also someone I am grateful to call a friend. She is one of the most supportive and warm people I know. Her words in the letter were more than I could have imagined. It made me see some of what I do without even thinking about the fact I do it. Also just spoke to a lot of why I believe I will be good in this field. I was genuinely surprised and beyond grateful.

All this to say, I am still wrapping my head around the kind words and truly glowing recommendation of me. I did not realize the impact I had made. To have someone I truly admire write that well, and then while we were talking say she admired me as well is crazy. Like I hope to help even half the people she has managed to help in her life... and to know she looks forward to seeing my work, and continuing to work work with me while supporting each other is huge. I am in awe, and not really always sure of how I got that lucky.

I read and hear the words but it is hard to truly know them and recognize that I deserve them. So here I am really just trying to take them in and really see the impact I have already had.

[sanmagic7]

 

i can't wait to talk to you as a colleague - very exciting!  love you, darlin'.

[Elphanigh]

I am really excited for that too! Had not even thought of that yet! If I get into school for this fall, I will be done in May of 2021. Which feels like forever, but I know ot will go so quickly.

[Three Roses]

I read and hear the words but it is hard to truly know them and recognize that I deserve them. So here I am really just trying to take them in and really see the impact I have already had.

Even not knowing the specific words, I would agree with her entirely. Your compassion is palpable, even in an online forum. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you! ❤️

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Roses!  Maybe at one point I will share some more specifics, but not sure. It is enough to take in that kindness as well as all that is coming from all of you  I am so in awe of all of it still

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I am also excited for what your future holds for you.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

I think there is a lot to write this afternoon, but not sure exactly what all will come out or how linear it will be. I am normally very articulate and well written but sometimes these 'dump' sessions don't come out like that.  So thank you for reading if you do. 


First a positive. I went to my first Yoga Mala on Friday to celebrate the solstice and it was amazing! I did manage all 108 sun salutations and left feeling really renewed and powerful. It was a reminder of my own physical/mental strength when I feel like I needed it most. My body was certainly sore for a few days afterwards and is mostly recovered now but it was worth that soreness. Realizing I am capable of more than I could ever imagine was good. It was also just a brilliant way to reflect on the year. Accept the bad but also see the good and rejoice in it. Then to look into the future and recognize the possibilities there, making peace with the journey ahead. It was really good for me all around and I am excited to go to the next one at the season change.

Second positive. I got a 90 minute massage on Christmas eve. It was my present to myself and truly brilliant. After Friday I needed the rest and relaxation for my muscles. It also is just more than I normally treat myself to and truly radical self care in a much different way than the yoga mala was.

Christmas was good but also very hard for me. I was supposed to have a therapy session tonight, and had been counting on having it tbh. Often if it gets canceled it is okay, but today I feel like I had been holding things together and condensing them until I could see my T today. She is sick, and it is completely understandable but it means not seeing her until the 7th. If I truly need her I can text or call her and tell her that but for now I will be okay. There are a lot of emotions and I had recognized them but told myself I could more fully deal with them tonight in that safe space. Now though I need to deal with them, because sitting on them until the 7th will wear me out and not be healthy. I am capable of recognizing and processing them myself I just was glad to have the help I guess. Honestly adult me is okay with this, but little me feels abandoned. Little Elpha needed someone tonight, a safe someone that she can count on and she isn't getting that so she feels abandoned. Normally I don't feel that way when sessions get missed. I am rather stable, and truly trust my T. Today is just different.

Which I guess brings me to Christmas. This is the first year I spent away from my Foo and it was good but also so beyond difficult. I am used to the boundaries I have with my family and out skype once in a blue moon kind of relationship. That is healthy for me and something I am good at enforcing. It is my general need and I make sure to keep it there. However Christmas is harder. I assumed I would just be so grateful to not see my very triggering uncle and to be away from the family drama. So I skyped them to open gifts and had company over in the afternoon. However the second I started to say goodbye and hit the hang up button I just burst into tears. Like even just writing that brings those tears back to my eyes. I did not expect the emotions. I thought being away would mostly be easy. Like yes I miss some traditions but I did the ones that were most important to me. I made a lot of baked goods (they are delicious) and even made fresh orange rolls on Christmas morning which is my all time favorite Christmas tradition. I will do it as long as I celebrate the holiday.

So I found myself in tears with my door closed before our company showed up. When they did it still took me time to calm down and rejoin people. I honestly needed to cry it out more but allowed myself like 10 minutes. So I wanted to explore that emotion in session tonight but I know the tears and whatever hurt I am feeling is still there. I am not sure which part of me is hurting and exactly what emotion is causing the tears. I will explore that some. There have been other insights and things that still need some work but this I think is a mix of things and needs explored, session with my T or not. I cannot just hold those emotions back and expect to function and feel well. I know better than that.

The first thing I recognize in that set of emotions is that seeing my uncle (even in video chat for a short time) was very difficult. I am just more recently recognizing his part in my abuse, and just within the last like three weeks got new memories regarding him. They are awful, terrifying still, and were what sent me reeling in body memories after thanksgiving.  They come from the two year old part of me that is now unstuck enough to share and process. Which has been a month or two of really hard recovery work. So seeing him was scary to her, adult me can handle him, younger me was probably understandably spooked. Also doesn't help that I was allowing him near me in a sense she didn't understand or feel comfy with. So maybe some of those tears were her fears.

There is also a small part of me that misses my family. Like the part of me that wants them to be what I need them to be. I know they have grown as people and my relationship with them is changing (especially with my M presently) but they were not what I needed when I was younger and often they are not what I need now. I can't trust them to do and be consistent or unconditional with their love. Which I think still hurts. I want it not to because I learned a long time ago to function and not need them, doesn't mean part of me doesn't want them to do what they are supposed to. Of course I wish I could have the perfect family Christmas with people that didn't decide to abuse me or to ignore the abuse that was going on. My uncle hit my M when she was pregnant with me... and all my life they still left me a lone with him. He held me the day I was born and regularly watched me on his own. When I was older and we lived apart (not long but did happen for a few years) I would go stay with him for a week or two at a time occasionally. Not really sure what my parents were doing at the time, but me and my siblings were jsut hanging out with my uncle and who ever his girlfriend at the time happened to be (he is not healthy relationship wise and has had anger issues... yet this is who my parents trusted us with... )

Anyways, I am angry but also hurt by those actions. Like I have done a good chunk on my anger towards that and I know that anger is a mask for the hurt that is there. I am recognizing how insignificant and unimportant that made me feel. My parents let a man that was unhealthy watch me and my siblings. I became the parent even more in those situations than I had already become in my life.. those times led to some horrific sexual and phsyical abuse for me... My parents put me in harms way without even thinking about it, because I didn't matter more than whatever it was they were doing while we were gone. My safety and well being was that unimportant to them.

When I was six (not even yet a year into some of the more consistent abuse from other sources) I used to wet myself in class at school becuase I was terrified to ask to go to the bathroom. I was so afraid to ask a simple question,... What is that a giant sign of?? Abuse of all sorts... not a teacher or my parents dug. I got in trouble for not askign and humiliated. No one cared why I wouldn't ask. I was a bright, independent, and strong kid... so that out of character behavior really should have been a lightbulb for someone... but they ignored it. So they put me in dangers way and then they ignored signs of worse abuse. I was not important enough to them. My accomplishments and grades.. they cared about those. Me as a person they didn't. They left me alone to care for myself. That hurts. To know I was so insignificant to them.

Angeris safer than that pain at this point. The pain that the younger parts of me hold onto.. as an adult I don't need them to protect me. I am independet, feisty, and nothing can stop me. But that younger part of me, many younger parts of me really, hold so much pain. They needed to be important and cared for but weren't.

So tears happened.. I think there was grief there when I hung up.. but I also had a good skype with them and there is a part of me that had a good happy family in that moment. No one made snyed comments or yelled or questioned anything. It was peaceful and full of laughs. I had that magic family for a moment and I was almost 1000 miles away.

I hurt but I will be okay. Little me deserved so much more. Adult me deserves more too honestly. So the tears are still just in my eyes but not falling. If I let myself I would just cry and cry until there was no more. Maybe I will allow that tonight, but in this moment I am not where that would be healthy or safe. Tears can only be healing if I am in a space where it is safe and okay to cry. I haven't had a truly good cry in a very long time. I had tears over losing my friend but I also never wept for him. I haven't wept (at least my interpretation of that word) in multiple months. There has been anger and processing of new information. Grief has been there but slowly happening as I work through the things surrounding it. So maybe it is time for those tears.. I just don't want to get lost in them.

That was a lot, and I know I have more words and theories as to why the tears but for now that is enough. Small ish doses of this junk

[Deep Blue]

Wow, that was very brave and strong of you to begin all that self analysis even without getting to see your T.  This is why you are a flashlight!

I also have to say, I think you are right on the mark about your family putting you in harms way.  Im so sorry for what you had to go through.  A 6 year old who is bright, and wetting herself in class is such a red flag! I'm so angered that no one stepped in and took notice!!! 

I'm glad you were able to let some of those tears go and I hope when you are ready you can continue to do so. Please take good care and let us know if you need anything 

[Elphanigh]

Brave maybe  it is good to hear you think it is.

It feels right as far as what emotions match what I felt yesterday about it. Like adult me misses my siblings but is so glad I did not go through the Christmas stress this year, so I know it is younger me in some fashion. I think like six months ago there was a realization that my parents had to be aware there was something going on, but chose to ignore signs or bits of abuse they did see. Like as much happened and the ways in which it affected me make it impossible for them to have not known on some level. They chose to be oblivious and that is painful.

Oddly it is validating to hear that it would be a red flag in a child and that I am not just making that up. I never had those issues outside of class, because I never had to ask anywhere else. I was just allowed to take care of it. Hearing from someone I know is a teacher honestly validates my thoughts on that a little. Thank you for that.


I will try to take care. Honestly I hurt a lot tonight, lots of emotions and feeling some strong abandonment pain and that is difficult. I don't often feel abandonment anymore, but tonight it is strong... so it is hard to sit with. I will continue to self soothe and self care tonight. Maybe try to pay attention to little me some more to quell the abandonment feelings.. not really sure what I need.. well I am but it isn't something I can have tonight. I need someone to be with and just to have attention tonight, but that is not an option so I will try to give that to myself.

Thank you for always caring and validating all of this 

I will cry when I can. At home now and I cuddled with cats but the tears no longer felt natural. They will come as needed.

[Three Roses]

Nothing to add but I wanted you to know I read this. I really liked this part :

Little me deserved so much more. Adult me deserves more too honestly.

[Elphanigh]

I am really glad to know you read it  It helps to feel heard sometimes. It fits that bit of my writing you liked so much. Both Elphas deserve to be heard, so it is good to know I am.

[Deep Blue]

We are sitting with you sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

 

That is the best. Glad to not truly be alone tonight. Sometimes this junk is painful.