Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses. I did not know I needed the hug so badly until I saw it. Sitting at work and nearly teared up when I opened the reply.  I don't normally react quite that way, guess I am still feeling some of it more than I recognized today. It is powerful stuff and I am charging in (carefully) but still rather head first.

I am nervous to comebine this with starting group next week as well. Honestly I am nervous to let that many other people into my past. I know next week will be a get to know you session but it is a scary concept. Knowing I will be the youngest and the only new one of the group is intimidating.

[sanmagic7]

wow - i didn't realize how long it's been since i've visited here.  dang, sweetie.  sorry.

i've been wrapped up in my own crapola the last several days, feel like i can just now come up for air.  want to say that it sounds like you are making some fantastic progress - again, all credit for your courage to tackle this stuff.  i love what your t is helping you with.  sounds like it's right on the money for you. 

ems will be with you when you go to that group, reminding you just how strong and wonderful you are, and of your light that continues to shine ever more brightly day by day.  maybe you can find a token to take with you to remind you she's there.  just a thought. 

sending love and a hug filled with everything you need (if it helps, maybe you can actually list that),  to make it thru.  you deserve all the support for this venture you can get.    also, wild asters are in bloom - such a lovely periwinkle color - and i'm sending you a bouquet, or a few for your hair.  take your pick, or have both.  there are plenty.

[Elphanigh]

Oh sweet San, I don't expect you to come here when you are working through so much. I am always grateful to see a reply though. You always bring understanding, encouragement and kind words.  I really hope things start to clear and feel easier for you soon.

I will take ems with me, I have a few things that remind me of her at this point. I also recognize that my T is running group and I trust her more than I think I I have ever truly trust a single individual with this crapola as you would put it. Hopefully that light will shine through and I can see other people accept my past as it is. I think that is what I fear most is that someone won't accept my past as is. That it will be questioned or not believed as a whole. It is scary to risk that.

I love those flowers. I am going to put some in a vase in my room and then a few in my hair. I did a pretty, soft, braided up do today that is perfect to add flowers to. 

[Elphanigh]

Oh as far as things I need.. I think I need extra courage, some reassurance for younger me, and just warmth that will remind me it is all okay even when I am a bit scared.

[Deep Blue]

Just remember sweet flashlight,

Your courage is within you. You have overcome so much already. You are so strong dearie.  Tell younger you we are standing with her.    We love you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I don't think I will ever get used to being called flashlight, it is so beautiful and meaningful. It warms my heart every time I see it. Reminds me to have a little more faith, to look inside and remember I have so much more than I give myself credit for.

Love you too dear friend 

[Elphanigh]

I said to myself the words "I feel happy and healthy", and I meant them. It was such a beautiful realization that I do indeed feels those things some days. That my level of functioning and ability to just be has grown so very much in the past year, and truly in the last six months. Also my yoga practice has grown into something I do nearly every day, this was something I wanted to cultivate and have now done so. I may not do my hour and a half every day but I do something every day. It has become a part of my healing work much like my emdr has. Interesting how something like that can happen. I love sharing my practice with others, but it is ultimately a very personal practice as well. Anyways, I could talk about yoga for days.i love it and am pretty certain I will be taking my teacher training class next year. Spending this year cultivating my practice and saving up for it.


I start group this week on Tuesday night. I am nervous but very curious about how it will go. I am hopeful it will be healing to be around others with experiences like my own, just always nervous of trusting others. 

[Luke57]

Hi Elph,

"I feel happy and healthy." That's so cool to hear you say that! From what I've read, you've done a lot of excruciating and hard work to get where you are today. You certainly deserve all the happiness that comes your way.

Yoga has been a savior for me also. It helps me to calm myself and stay centered in my body, at least for a little while anyway. It gives me a good break from anxiety and dissociation - my two main nemesis.

Good luck with group. I bet you'll gain a lot from it and become a valuable asset to the other members.

Luke

[Elphanigh]

Hi Luke,

Thank you. I have done a lot of excruciatingly hard work, that is very true. Has been several years in the making. I don't feel all this way but it is possible for me now, at one point it wasn't possible and I didn't believe it ever would be. I am glad yoga has been a savior for you as well. I find it a great help with my anxiety and discociation as well. I also find it a good balance between very calming/reassuring, and very energizing/empowering.

I have hopes for group as well, might pick my T's brain a bit about it tomorrow so I feel more comfortable going into it on Tuesday. It is going to be a new experience and hopefully leg of recovery.

[sanmagic7]

  to embrace you as you enter your group tomorrow.  lots of love surrounds you, too.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much dear  I will try to post about how it goes tomorrow night, or earlier Wednesday depending on where my energy is at. I am both excited and super nervous about it. Hopefully it will be a good welcoming group, my T assures me it is. I trust her and know her office to be safe so I am jumping in despite some of the fear that goes along with it. 

[Elphanigh]

Not even truly sure where to start this morning, just certain that I want to write something. 

We got to the first real session of this new emdr. We had done all the clearing and prep work, so the real work began yesterday. I knew it would be powerful just from the affect the prep work had been having on me, but I had no idea just what it would feel like to do the "real" work. I still have yet to cry in my T's office and I have been seeing her for the better part of a year and a half now. I trust her it just has never been something that fully happened. I have felt like crying but never actually got to that point. Yesterday I came closer than I ever have.

We started with the things I know about before I was conceived, and what I would have needed to be different. There is a lot, I wanted my parents to be responsible, and to want me. I needed them to focus on their schooling, and stop drinking/partying so I could have a safe warm space. I needed to be prepared for, to have them have a plan to be together and to raise a kid. That was powerful but not as much as so of the things I envisioned needing around the time they found out I was conceived.

I again wanted to be wanted, to have a family that was excited to have me. Parents that were happy, and grandparents that could celebrate me. I had neither of those things. I have heard a lot about that time, it is chaotic and loud from what I have heard. No one was particularly happy and I was resented in a lot of ways. I was a problem to be dealt with not a child to be cherished. I also really needed my mom to be safe. My biggest need was for my uncle to be far away, we decided to send him to japan, at least in the good healing version of this. Which led to some more of the physical processing. my T holds a giant pillow and tells me I can push her however feels safe. I am getting better at it, but it is always a massive release and helps me become unstuck when regarding boundary things like this.

Sitting there unstuck, realizing all of the things I needed I was just struck by grief. Like it was finally safe to feel the grief that has been there basically forever. I have gotten in touch with many emotions, sadness, anger, etc... but true grief is something I have never really been able to sit with for very long. It was so strong an emotion to sit in, and just feel last night. Having a safe enough space to do so and the ability to stay grounded enough to do so is huge for me. Previously grief would take over and I would either cut it off and go along my day, or it would control me for who knows how long. It was not a safe emotion to feel, because I did not know how to cope with it. Now though I could sit and feel it without losing track of myself. I also could allow myself to hurt rather than run from it. Just thinking about it now brings bits of it back, I think it will be processing through for a few more days tbh. This process will likely help me learn to sit in and deal with my own grief. I have an unimaginable number of things I have every right to grieve over and never have. Will take it in small chunks as it comes I guess. For now I grieve all the needs that weren't met before I even truly existed in this world. All the things that would have set me up to have a better chance at a better life.

I did not take much stock in the idea of pre-verbal trauma until I started working with it, and now that I have truly started work with it I will not discount its value ever again. I went for a run this morning, and had energy like I haven't had in months. This processing is working, and the safe place work that goes with it is helping my energy because it is not constantly being drained from hyper vigilance and just general high levels of anxiety every second of the day.

I also had major realizations driving home last night that make me so much kinder towards teenage me. I spent a lot of time reaching out and oversharing when I was in high school. I overwhelmed a couple of friends and it really sent me reeling into depression. At the time I believed there was something inherently wrong with me, that because of my trauma I was truly unlovable and that no one could ever truly know my story and still love me. I thought I was something to be handled and dealt with. That my past was like a poison on anyone I shared it with. I recognize that is not at all true. I was young and scared. I needed help and reached out to the only people I knew I could trust. The adults in my life weren't safe, that had been proven time and time again.. so I reached out desperately for any sign of hope and help I could get. That was brave and strong of me, not weak and unwise. I just didn't have all the information I needed or safe people to reach out to. I was doing the best I could with what I had. I was fighting and looking for a better way to fight, I now have that better way to fight. Nearly 8 years later I have a way to fight, and am thriving on it. That girl was trying so hard, and I applaud her for that because it means I got here. I have always hated that section of my life, because I floundered on all of this, and there was so much drama and it was unhealthy etc.. but I was trying and I see that now. I was fighting harder than I had given myself credit for. I can be kind when I look back now and see it for what it was. Not me being unlovable or weak.. instead me begin strong enough to try to find help and using what tools I had. One stepping stone in the right direction.

I am emotional pretty drained. but that is okay. I am learning a lot and doing the work. Hopefully it will just cause even more healing as I go. Tonight starts group and I am ready for the new adventure. Nothing like plunging in two days in a row. I have a restorative yin class scheduled Wednesday so I can make sure to give my body and mind the rest and recoup it will need after all of this.

This is wordy and jumbled, so thank you if you made it to the end of all of that.

[Three Roses]

Read every word.  ❤️

[Elphanigh]

Than you for taking the time to read it and letting me know Three Roses  ♥️ means the world to know

[Luke57]

I read it all too, Elph. And I think I actually understood it all. 

I really like what you said about your teenager. How she "got you here." That's something I want to keep in mind for myself, so I can be thankful to all my younger parts.

Looking forward to hearing how group went.

Luke