Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[woodsgnome]

You noted, ..."sometimes this junk is painful."

It is, so we offer our support for you; no strangers here, no harsh critiques, just loving support for your struggle. There is no sense to the past hurts, but there is much to feel in the present embrace we hold you in. 

[sanmagic7]

ems and i are here, embracing you.  yeah, it's painful sometimes.  love you so.   

[Elphanigh]

I really appreciate all of the support here more than I have words to say today. Woodsgnome and San those embraces are what I needed this morning, it was truly wonderful to wake up and see them here (although I am only now responding from work). I am so grateful for you both  I will sit in those for a while if it is okay, just staying in the supportive warmth until I feel like I can do it on my own.

The weather here is rainy and cloudy again all day. Honestly I think that affects my emotions here as well. The support here and from a few people irl is helping a lot though. I felt heard and not alone which is what I needed last night without realizing it. Today there is an ache but I can recognize it and accept its presence for now.

Oddly enough every time I start to second guess or judge my emotions I realize what I am applying to go to school for, immediately think "would I ever in a million years judge a client for that?", then realize no I wouldn't so I begin to be more understanding. There are many voices in my life that were the opposite but I have also had a lot of voices in the last two years that have taught me to be kinder to myself, and I am now finally hearing it in my own voice... even if it is just because of a possible profession. It is starting to come truly from me and not from those around me. Don't get me wrong I am beyond grateful to be lucky enough to have others that have said and reminded me to be kind, and still do, it is just great to know it can come from me.

[Deep Blue]

I think you are wonderful. I just want you to know that I believe in you. 

[Elphanigh]

DB, you are such a gem  The kind words have made my day and truly mean the world to me. I am so grateful and lucky to have people who believe in me. 

[sanmagic7]

i second that - i believe in you, too.  i think being able to internalize those pos. messages are important because, to me, it shows that you are beginning to own them rather than just borrowing them from others.  i believe it's a huge difference and means that healing is taking place for good.

i've just made a breakthru regarding that very thing - owning it for myself.  it feels good and strong within me.  i don't doubt your being able to stop judging yourself harshly, in spite of all the messages you've heard to the contrary, shows how you've fought, battled, and faced your fears - and have been victorious over them because of it.  plus, being encouraged by your newly chosen profession tells me that you are, indeed, on the right path for you.

so, a little celebration for you - my happy feet are showing!



love you, el, my sweet.      and, yeah, you can stay in those embraces as long as you like.  they're yours, always.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am really glad you see it as progress to. It feels like a good shift. The happy feet are the best. I am glad you are having some breakthrus as well!! 

I did get to see my T last night, she had a cancellation and asked if I could come in that spot. Was good to have a session and just check in. I feel less like I am holding back my emotions. Needed to just talk about things for a bit. Also got the plan for the new year which is huge!

I want to get as much done before school as I can. She knows that. I am also in so much more of a stable spot than I was a year ago. So our current plan is to finish up the early trauma work we were doing through about 4 or 5. Then to have me pick 10 or 20 of the biggest memories, and work through them with emdr in age order. A year ago the idea of that would have beem overwhelming, and I don't think it will be. Nor does my T or she wouldn't have suggested it. She also (given she has the space) is willing to see me twice a week if it is helpful for me and not too much. She is qriting off the second session a week if we do that. She does truly want me to be in as good a spot as I can for school. Also  is just truly excited for me to go on the path I have chosen for school which is amazing. Oh and she is for sure going to use her network or people to help me find a new T when I leave. Feels good to know I will have help with that.

Anyways things are falling into place even when I have several truly emotional days.

Thank you all for being on this walk with me

[sanmagic7]

i'm privileged and honored to be with you, sweetie.  your t, as ever, is amazing.  can't tell you how glad i am that you ended up with her.  to clear all that out by the time you start grad school is fabulous.  i have faith in you.  you are a force to be reckoned with.  love you lots.  many 

[Elphanigh]

Awe, you are so kind my dear. I am so glad to have a recovery sister (if it is okay to think of you as such)  My T is phenomenal, I am forever grateful. It is a lot to work on clearing out, and even one session a week would get a lot done but two would really clear out so much. All this is of course pending that I can stay stable and healthy at that level of intensity. If it is too much or overwhelming I will step back and slow it down as needed. I am excited though that she thinks I am ready for it. I would have given anything a year ago to be able to dive in like this but I was not ready for it. Now I think I have the foundation and skills to do it. Still admittedly nervous, but so excited to try. It will be tons of hard recovery work, but if i can do it maybe jsut maybe I really am a force to be rekoned with as you put it.

If not though, that is okay. I don't need to be able to tackle things at that intensity and I know that. I am excited to try and work on it like that but I recognize if it is too much that is not a bad thing. It just means I need more time. I am trying to not set myself up for that perfectionist mindset going into the new year. I am excited to dive in but recognize I have human limitations so it is okay if I need to pause at any point.

I have faith I am ready to dive in, and ready to go to grad school. I am a massively different person than I was a year ago. Same heart and such, but more whole and stable.. Dare I say more fully myself?

Anyways this new plan will lead to a new chapter in my recovery journal. I am keeping this one for a bit, but I intend to start a new one. There is so much shifting right now and falling into place that it is certainly a new chapter. Also just 20 pages is really long  I write a lot

[Hope67]

I have faith I am ready to dive in, and ready to go to grad school. I am a massively different person than I was a year ago. Same heart and such, but more whole and stable.. Dare I say more fully myself?

Hi Elpha,

This is really heart-warming.  That you feel more fully yourself.  More whole and stable.  I think the fact you feel ready to go to Grad School - it's really great.

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope It is really great to have these feelings. I am even more glad because it is after several hard days and I never lost faith in that fact so I think it shows true progress and healing.

[sanmagic7]

absolutely a sister in recovery.  and, when i say you are a force to be reckoned with, that has no strings or expectations attached.  you simply are.  what you've accomplished in the past year, what you've decided to do with your life, the dignity and grace with which you continue to deal with life and its complications - that is a force to be reckoned with.

that you will continue to move forward is beyond a doubt, to my mind.  that is a force to be reckoned with.  it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly you go - just the idea that you've consistently done the hard work of recovery, and that you're planning to continue with that - that's a force to be reckoned with.  your heart, your love, your kindness, your willingness to 'drive the hard roads' - that 's the force within you that i'm talking about.  formidable, indeed.

i am so very proud of all you've learned, of how much you've changed, and of the woman you've become.  your light continues to shine more brightly with each step you take.  you are an inspiration for anyone who has even begun this journey.  thanks for being you, for being in my life.  it wouldn't be the same without you.  not nearly as warm and caring.  love you, 

[Elphanigh]

San, I truly need to copy those and put them in a note in my phone or something so I can read it in moments of doubt. I am constantly in awe of your kind words and those brought happy tears to my eyes.    Through your words I can see myself differently, and that has really helped all that I have done this year. You are so dear to me and I hope you know I cherish you every day. Even through just this computer screen your heart shows through and has affected me so much.

I am grateful to hear I am a force just because of what has already been accomplished and by just being me. I want to be able to dive fully in but I am admittedly nervous. Most of my life people attached strings to compliments, so I think I am still learning that big compliments like that don't have strings when they come  from safe people. I am excited to move forward (however fast I do), and truly for the life I am choosing to live. I cannot wait to be able to help others even more than I already do. It is unbelievable the affect I seem to have by just sharing my journey and being present with other survivors, so the idea of getting the training to do even more than that is fantastic.

Thank you for always reminding me you are proud of what I have learned and the woman I have become (and am still becoming). It is really nice to know it is noticed and seen. This work is hard, you know that better than most people in my life, but I do try to take it all in stride with that grace you spoke about me having lol. So it goes unseen by people around me a lot of times. I have come to be okay with that because I can see the change and the way I present in the world is so vastly different. That light coming out I guess.

Hopefully I can continue to inspire people beginning their journey or well into it.  Makes my hard work and openness even more worth it.

Love you always, Elpha 




Sidenote post: I have really come to realize I am ready to dive into the new plan for healing stuff. knowing I recognize that it is okay if I do have to slow it down at some point and that it will mean I likely need to not pick up anything extra in my life while doing it is so important. I know that I cannot do that intense of a recovery plan if I am trying to balance a million super stressful things at once. I also recognize that my limits are okay, that if I do slow down that isn't a reflection of me not being enough, or never going to heal, it is just simply that I can only do so much. I went through several versions of * to get to this point in my life and I deserve the time it takes to heal from that. No need to rush that.

Knowing that is my mindset going in is good. It is progress of the biggest sort. That is kindness towards me and understanding of myself. It means if it is too much I am less likely to just push until I break. I know that won't help me and I know where my limits are. I am healthier and can recognize when pausing is important. For that reason I do really think I am ready to try to dive in to that intensity. I have the ability to balance, but I also have an ability to look at my past as it was. To not get overwhelmed when I get flashes of memories. It does still happen but for most things I can recognize that it is there, figure out why it is coming up with and allow it to process or be talked about with my T as needed. That is a safe good balance. So nervous yes, but I do see that I am ready.

I am also just recognizing the giant mental shifts that have happened recently. I am not really sure where they happened but they did. I see myself in a different light, even when emotional and hurting I see myself as strong and worthy of what I have/ am getting. I know I deserve to be treated well, and I deserve to be getting the happy things I am. I also see just in general my worth as a human being, I didn't used to have that. I don't apologize for existing anymore, and have faith in myself so much more often. It is like I have a healthy sense of self and ego or something crazy like that lol   

It feels different, in such a good strong way. i feel the power I have and and gaining as I heal and work towards everything.

Goodness knows it won't always feel like this. Emdr is hard, recovery is hard, grad school and life is hard. I won't always have this good of a mind set and I am sure there will be times I feel like I can't do anything right etc.. but I think I will come back to this space easier. That this foundation I have been working so hard to build over the last year will keep me level and stable even in the hard parts. EMDR is exhausting and the first time I tried it intensely it sent me reeling, I wasn't ready which was quickly obvious. I have since done quite a bit of it sporadically within the foundation work and it has gotten better. Each time a little stronger and now I think I can go forward with it and look at the hard stuff. It will mean hard days and some exhaustion I am sure, also lots of writing here (if it is possible to do more than I already do haha..) I am ready. That is my mantra today.

Oh second side note. The song "Rise up" by Andra Day is worth listening to on repeat. It is my song today and I know some other survivors that adore it

[woodsgnome]

Yes, you seem ready for some big steps. Often when I've felt that way, I somehow tripped in my excitement; mostly I forgot to also take it easy and especially be easy on myself. And repeat it every time there's a stumble, and know that it'll be okay. The key is still "one step at a time."

You're obviously quite aware of that, having already experienced your share of adversity, something I think we all risk; but still we somehow try. In spite of it all, you'll find your ace ... "despite the ache, I'll rise a thousand times again, rise up ... in spite of the ache." Here's best wishes for your new turn in the adventure. 

I

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome, that is all phrased so wonderfully. I trully appreciate it. Also just the use of the song was amazing.  i wish Inhad responded yesterday when I had more full thoughts for it.

Today I find myself grief stricken a bit again, like a punch to the gut. I found out another coworker of mine from the same job as my friend. He was such a kind soul although fearlessly outspoken and himself fully. Not sure what happened but apparently it was sudden on Christmas morning... not sure I can do another funeral but I might.

Anyways feeling like the good for the last several days is still valid but this ache is real and valid too.