Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Luke57, I am really glad it us helpful for you as well.

Honestly I am down and out this morning but hopefully this evening I will feel up to posting about group. For the moment though headed to the porch to rest

[sanmagic7]

you are so beautiful, so wonderfully insightful, and so courageously willing to explore all these parts, see them with new eyes, and change your perspective for the better.  all credit to you (yep, i read it all - thanks for sharing this marvelous part of your journey).   your light continues to shine even brighter.

sending love and support all over the place.

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for your kind words. They are truly reassuring this morning.  The new insights are great just a lot for my mind I think. My nightmares took a bad spin last night so I woke up frozen and not sure where I was. It is slowly improving just having to be kind to myself even though it is hard.

I hate when I have bad days like this, as I have come so far. It hurts to feel so frozen and defeated by my symptoms. Couldn't even manage to drive to work this morning. My roommate made me think wiser of it thankfully. It would have gone poorly

[Elphanigh]

I am needing to remember that one bad day doesn't undo all the progress I have made. It simply shows me what I can work on next. It reminds me that my Cptsd is still a very real thing l even if I really don't want that reminder,

I have had a big few days recovery wise and that is understandably hard on me. My mind was/is still processing some huge things and that puts me on some more unstable ground until I have wrapped around all of it. Having a big emdr session and set of realizations the day before having my first group session was a lot. It is a lot of new and emotionally packed stuff for me to handle and of course my subconscious would put that into my dreams.

I was really hard on myself this morning, hating my mental health issues... hating that I could just be normal. Wishing for one second I could be stronger or better at this. It is definitely not the first and probably not the last time I will ever think those things to myself. But they just cause more shame and panic. Which goes right into the freeze response I get sometimes. I froze this morning, and couldn't find the right thing to get me out of it, but I reached for help anddid do things that helped it some. I just couldn't magically cure it like I wished I could do. I still can't cure it but I am resting and getting better.




Group was good last night, all of the women were welcoming and it feels like it will be a supportive environment. I was quiet but slowly worked on chatting with everyone and finding my voice in the group. I am curious how it will go. I am the youngest and the only entirely new person so it is a little intimidating but they all went out of the way to ensure I felt welcomed and like they wanted to get to know me.

That being said group was what my nightmare was about that has me so frozen today. It was a different set of people but still my Ts office, but my M was in the group and that is obviously very unsafe for every version of me. But my current T was encouraging it in this dream. It was just a lot of emotionally scary things... that ended up making me wake up shaking and not really knowing where I was for a bit.

I think there is some younger part of me that is scared group isn't safe, and that knows I will be seeing my family in a month and that is scary too.

Going to stop this one here, I know it is a bit long and my mind feels more scattered so I will come back as needed

[Elphanigh]

Feeling a bit stronger today. I am still pretty tired from the big trigger, but I am bouncing back. Just enjoying some coffee before work. I think there was a lot in my trigger that I wasn't recognizing. My younger B is in the path of the hurricane because he is in basic training for the army, my parents are going to Hawaii soon which is also towards the storm. I am safe away from both of those things which is great.

Group definitely was part of it. I think my younger parts are jut scared of it, nervous of letting people in because people older than me have always failed them. Some of the women are the age of my M so I think they drew that association before I realized it.

Then Monday just stirred the emotional pot, so it was a lot to be processed. I am not sure exactly which part of everything that I was working with hit like a giant trigger but there were a lot of moving pieces. Something like this used to knock me out for a week or two, however I am stronger now. I still feel like it has really knocked me back but I am functional now. Hopefully that sticks. Sometimes the stress of work reverses progress. Hopefully that isn't the case now.

[Three Roses]

Something like this used to knock me out for a week or two, however I am stronger now. I still feel like it has really knocked me back but I am functional now.

Yes, you sound stronger. 

[Deep Blue]

Just wanted you to know that I'm reading and I understand. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Three Roses. It is good  to hear someone sees that.

Thank you Deep Blue 

I am at work this morning, just trying my best to stay present and get things done. It will be a slower day but I am here. Thankfully, the character of this new job is true to my first impressions of it. They all have just wanted to make sure I was okay. The person my absence most affected was just glad I took the time I needed and gave me an affectionate rub on the shoulder to reassure me it was okay. She just cared to check on me as a person, not a word about anything that I missed or needed to make up. It has been a very kind morning of people just glad I am okay and back. Definitely not like jobs I have had previously. This place doesn't even dig into what happened, they have let me have my space to say if I want but aren't requiring any answers. It is a good environment.

My roommate sent me with a stuffed lion we used to pass around in college. We named him Felix several years ago, and we always gave him to someone that needed a little extra support and they would pass him to someone else when they were ready. He is sitting on my desk, keeping me company, and reminding me to breathe. One small step at a time today

[Deep Blue]

Wow the lion is such a lovely gesture! I have a friend that sells necklaces and you give them to someone in need and continue to pass them on.

I like the lion though... can I borrow that? I think some of my friends need a gesture like that

[Elphanigh]

Depp Blue, you can certainly borrow that. It is a thing I have always been grateful for. 

[Elphanigh]

I feel like a list of my symptoms today.. I feel like my cptsd, not like a person. I know that isn't true, but it feels it today. All I can feel and see is the symptoms I am trying to hard to fight this afternoon. I have permission to leave work if I need to but goodness, I don't want to do that. I am stronger than all of the things that come with my cptsd. It is hard to admit defeat sometimes. I don't want to be my symptoms. I am normally so good, and able to fully cope with them. It has been a very long road to get there, so feeling so far knocked down is more difficult that I know how to voice.

Feeling like I am just the ball of anxiety, and dissociation is awful. I can barely eat, and focus because all I want to do is run and hide. I hate my cptsd so much some days, which is almost like hating myself because it is a part of me that I won't ever fully be rid of. I may be better but there isn't some magical cure for this.  I feel like I am trying and failing today, so I just wish to be normal for like 3 more hours... but I won't get that chance 

[Blueberry]

  Can Felix help you?

[Elphanigh]

Good reminder, thank you Blueberry 

Ended up leaving work, with my boss being really kind about it. Not used to someone being so caring about me as a person and not just as an employee.

Sitting in the park soaking up some fresh air should help

[Elphanigh]

Day three of this junk, but I feel more of myself than I have in days. Thank you all for besring with me as I processed this. In hindsight probably should not have posted so much.

Anyways I had to take my roommate to the ER this morning, am finally sitting at home watching her almost asleep. Then it will be time for some self care while she sleeps.

I didn't get retriggered by the hospital which is a good sign of me gaining stability again. Hopefully it sticks. I need to be on top of my game for work next week... I have basically missed half a week for vsrious things. And my boss is kind but I don't want to push those limits any.

Will be on the porch if anyone needs me today

[Deep Blue]

I hope your roommate is ok. 

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more like yourself today.    it's been a tough week on you for sure.  I hope you can get some rest this weekend and recharge your battery for work next week.