Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Deep Blue]

Wow sweetie,
What a whirlwind in a week! You had a rough nightmare about the new group, you had problems with your roommate and took a few days off work.

And look at you flashlight!!! You shown your light straight through it all! You came out on the other side this week with so much self analysis and growth.  You should be proud of that.  I'm proud of you for that.  Yes, growth is a process, but rest assured I see it from you all the time. 

[Elphanigh]

Deep blue, 

Your words are so wonderful today. You are right I got through the rough week and have come back with tons of self analysis and hopefully growth. I forget sometimes how the bad weeks can lead to huge leaps forward in recovery. I needed the reminder. I noted the processing but had not connected them or really seen it as growth yet. Your perspective is alway so helpful.

Also so glad to hear you see if from me all the time. It is something I am trying so hard to do and am glad that shows. 

[Elphanigh]

I finally cried last night, it had been a week since the worst of my trigger had started and I hadn't cried yet. Last night I found that I was crying for the little girl that was never seen, heard, or saved. For all the care free days that I didn't get to have, and all the trust/love I never learned to have. I cried for the little girl who didn't know what she was worth because the standards placed on her, and the evil people that told her she would never be enough...that she would never be lovable.

I cried for her because there were adults all around that could have helped, and could have changed things for her but were so far in denial that they didn't do anything. Parents that fought or drank.. so they never saw her unless she was doing something perfectly. Teachers that saw my perfect grades and assumed that my other weird behaviors were justquirks that's would go away. Even people that she told the truth to that ignored it and never did anything. She could have been rescued and wasn't. They chose not to save her.

There were probably tears for adult me too, ones for all the undo stress of trying to be perfect even now. That through multiple years of trauma recovery I still forget that I am worthwhile even if I am not perfect. For the part of me that hasn't played music in a solid two months because my perfectionism creeped in a told me I wasn't good enough to be playing. I wasn't perfect and shouldn't be heard... goodness that runs deep.

Being heard and seen it, I think, the biggest thing for me to process right now. That and the ever lurking perfectionism

[Deep Blue]

Sweetie,
I always wish I could turn back time for you and be the teacher that stepped in.  I hate when youngins fall through the cracks.

Sending little you a    I find the quirky students the most endearing

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, you would have been the best teacher I ever had. I loved my teachers when I was growing up, because I loved school. It was also one of the only places I was truly worthwhile, at least from what little me could tell, because I was good at it. Perfect grades and awards came easily for me, so I was finally getting good happy attention. What adult me realizes is that I was only good and cared for as a number, not as a person. Had they cared about me as a person someone would have stepped in, despite the idea it might crash my grades.

Thank you for wishing you could have stepped in back then. It warms my heart, and honestly helps little me to imagine you doing just that for her.

Hugs 

[sanmagic7]

my darling el,

i'm so glad you were finally able to shed those tears, release the toxins that had been inside for so long because of the horrors you had to go thru for not being listened to, not being heard.  i thank everything that's wonderful that you are you, just the way you are.  absolutely good enough in every way, shape, and form.

i do hope you can get back to the music you love soon.  i know what it means to you, what it does for you, how it refreshes and lifts your spirit.  you've gone thru so much, worked so hard - you have only ever deserved love and care.  yours is a beautiful soul.

much love always.  ems embraces you, holds you, listens and hears while comforting you.  she is a given in your life. 

[Elphanigh]

Dearest San,

Honestly that made me tear up a little, think there are still some more tears to shed. Not at work, and not until late tonight as I don't have anytime to do so until then. But as easily as I felt them come to the corner of my eyes just reading your kind words, I know there will be more. Thank you for for being glad I am me, just as I am and never asking or expecting more than that. I am learning to be okay with it because I have people like you that accept and love me as I am.

I hope I can get back to the music as well. It means a lot to me, and was a source of good in my life for so long. I do still sing in my car and around the house, it is something I have gotten back in my life over the recent months. It is a piece of music I do have in my life and love to have. My playing, maybe not in the same place but maybe one day. It doesn't help that my time is taken by so many other things. I gravitate towards spending my free time on yoga, or reading, or the projects I am putting together rather than spending them on my music. Probably because playing still hurts to an extent.

It astounds me to hear the kind words and recognition of all that I went through and the hard work that took. Hearing that I only deserved love and care is hard to hear but also beautiful. It just saddens me because I heard so little of it, and I know that hearing it now will never change what was. It can help me heal but it can't save the little girl or change the memories I have, nothing ever will. *sigh* I definitely have more grieving to do. I have been hitting more feelings of grief recently. I think I am finally at a point I will start feeling and processing grief rather than running away from it. I am not really sure how to sit with it but I am learning.

Sending all the love right back to you, dear friend. I will stay with ems today, with her gentle reminders and comforts. Good to know there is always someone who can listen and see me for me.

[Elphanigh]

I wanted to write some realizations down from after my session so I don't forget. I am not ready to do a full run down of my session but don't want to lose some of my thoughts.

I realized that I was exhausted still from Friday and Saturday at work because my serving job, especially when it is crazy busy like art fair means it is, becomes a survival mode thing for me,. I instinctively turn on the part of me that can function at such a high level under immense pressure and look like it is effortless. It is a skill I used as a kid and even just into college that helped me function. It is a very well learned and seasoned survival tool.

It is one that exhausts me after prolonged, and really any, use of it. So of course I would be tired, even if going into that mode wasn't intentional. That the background emotions would create a tired that sleep and healthy amounts of detox the day after wouldn't fit. I needed to emotional stabilize and come down, not just to physically do those things. I didn't recognize that my mind also needed tending to, because I didn't fully realize I had used that mode to get through the weekend. I forget sometimes that I do that without even thinking.

I went into it because the pressure of working for long hours, without a break, and just in a constant state of motion and over activity that serving requires. Especially at a plac that needs me to be on top of my game every second of it.

Little me did that to accomplish so much, and look so picture perfect on the surface. It is more of the perfectionist and worth issues coming to light. Lots to process there. But now I have energy and all the gunk cleared, emdr did some real good today to create a new sense of calm and safety that's I haven't been able to tap into before. It was the reset my body needed.

I will come back later and talk about it more, but I know that will require talking about my uncle and I am not ready to do that yet.

[Elphanigh]

Okay, I am slowly going to write this post and see what feels safe to put into words here. Also potential *Trigger warning* for some mentions of violence/SA


My uncle.. *insert giant sigh*, actually lets start with my session. We went back to the pre-verbal trauma emdr I have been doing, this time focusing around the time my M was pregnant with me. A few things happened during that time that needed healing, and focused on. One was that my Great grand father on my dads side died early in my mom's pregnancy. I needed him to know I loved him even though I had never gotten to meet him, I am not entirely certain why that came up but it did and I am working on not judging it. The other thing that came with that was wanting my M to slow down and focus on her baby instead of trying to mend everyone else, and causing stress in the process. I needed calm and quiet (this has been a them with the processing of all the early stuff).

Now the next thing that came up (not the first time my uncle has edged his way into this early trauma process) is that I need my dad to protect me and my M from my uncle. I have heard this story (never from my M) about her brother hitting her in the stomach when she was in the third trimester with me. Obviously I need that to have not happened. For my D to have stepped in and stopped the situation peacefully and made it safe for us. I envisioned this basically clear shield or force field around us that kept us safe from harm, and kept everything quiet. It really helped to create a sense of safety and warmth. Which is what this processing is meant to do. It is meant to repair and allow the feelings that I deserved/needed to have growing up to occur, by imagining them doing what they needed to do. It is interesting to realize that I have feelings about things surrounding my mom's pregnancy. It is not something I had imagined would exist but they do, and the sense of calm I have after getting to feel like I am resolving them is really new and interesting.


Problem with my uncle is that there is more trauma there, later in life, but still revolving around him. Things I have never ever told or even half mentioned to anyone before. Something I thought I might never tell anyone. It is why my T has only started hearing about his existence like 3 weeks ago. He is always around the family now, and was good at times in my life. My cousins are 13 ish now, and I adore them, although he is terrible at raising them. Anyways, I am avoiding a bit and that isn't necessary.

*TW* for SA


When I was about 13 (I think, this one is really blurred, and I can piece together a timeline but it is hard) My siblings and I stayed with my uncle and his then wife for a night while we were out of state visiting family. All was okay, making mac and cheese, playing video games etc. Until my uncle wanted to play the game Bloody knuckles, for anyone who knows that game it isn't appropriate to  be playing with your 13 year old niece and her siblings that are both younger than her. Either way I refuse to play, it is one of few times at that age that I still used my voice.

I guess I voiced it too much, because after my siblings went to bed (they were younger, so I was told I was old enough to stay up which I thought was super cool) my uncle came to me, and this is where it gets super blurry. I remember his room, and his water bed.. I know my body feels truly uncomfortable and like I want to crawly out of my skin when I think about that night. There are sensations that I think are memories of what happened but it is other wise black... I remember going into that room, I remember feeling terrified, and I know how my body feels any time I think about it... but I don't remember what happened...

I remember so much in my life, why is is it this one that I don't remember? What happened that was so bad that of all the things I could have blocked out it was this one?

That is all I can do on this for now. Thank you for reading and for allowing me to write these things when I have never written them before. 

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
Just wanted to send you a  if it's ok.  I think I've said it before, but don't go searching for the memory dearest.  If it comes, it will come when you are ready for it. 

My heart hurt for you when I read this journal entry.  I wish I didn't know what that blocked memory feels like, but I do.  I wish a couple of mine were still blocked.  I think your body is telling you to maybe stay clear of it for a bit.  Sitting with you 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Deep Blue, the hug is definitely okay  Safe and warm as they always are. I will try not to go looking for them, I have told others to not go searching and need to listen to both your advice and my own. I always want to know, but at the same time I don't. Like I know so many other horrific things about my life, I don't want to add to the list. There was a point where I thought that there was nothing more to remember, that I hadn't blocked things out but goodness I have found I was wrong.

I really appreciate you sitting with me. That is a calming image for me to have 

[Deep Blue]

Always flashlight always 

[Elphanigh]

  that nickname still warms my heart everytime I read it

[Elphanigh]

Seeing my T last night was a really good idea. I am ever grateful for having a T tat legitimately cares and wants to see me heal, even if that's means she has seen me three nights in a row between my two sessions and group. Told me she was glad to see me and really didn't mind any extra time that I may need. That she did genuinely like me and was always so glad to see how I want to work and all the progress it means I am making. For someone that felt bad for taking her up on her offer of seeing me last night it made a huge difference.

We covered a lot in a nearly hour and a half session. From just processing two memories with the flash method to get me to a more stable foundation, which was different than usual. I couldn't completely get the memories out of my mind so we talked while doing it. She asked the different younger parts of me about their favorite books or what they liked to do in order to keep my mind entirely occupied. It was a good adaption for what I needed last night. She is good at thinking on her toes, thank goodness.

Then I got to be angry, well thirteen year old got to be. I have always censored her words or froze when it has come to letting her talk. It took me a second and a bit of reassurance from my t to do it but I got there. I got to tell (we will call him DV, as to not mix him up with my Dad) Dv that I was angry with him and wished he didn't exist. That I wish I have never met him, and that he didn't deserve to be happy and have a family. I (with even more reassurance) was able to say that I wanted him dead... that it isn't fair he gets to live and be happy while I suffer with all the scars he caused. That he isn't being affected by everything that he did... but that I am. That it is awful and painful to see him happy because he was pure evil and doesn't deserve to be okay.. He doesn't deserve to be a father and certainly can't be trusted to do so. He told me he was my friend and I became trapped before I could have ever realized what was happening... He lied and was completely cruel. I can't see any good in him...

Thirteen year old me contains a lot and is a protector. She isn't rageful, she is hurt and only wants to protect the even younger versions of me from all of the pain. I used to be scared of that part of me but I can see that the anger doesn't come from a place of hatred or evil, it comes out of caring and hurt. She/we went through so much and continue to go through so much.. of course the anger is there. She didn't deserve any of what happened and it pains her to remember that it happened anyways. in one of the visualizations to help me get unstuck she stepped in front of a younger part of me and pushed DV out of the way, so littler me could run and be safe. Her first instinct is to protect, not to be full of rage and hurt anyone. The only hurt she would inflict would be to save someone in peril... So I have grown a new understanding of her, and feel much differently towards her this morning than I did previously.

There are some more insights but I will do them in pieces.

[Three Roses]

Thirteen year old me contains a lot and is a protector. She isn't rageful, she is hurt and only wants to protect the even younger versions of me from all of the pain.

May I be so bold to say that imo your 13 yr old certainly has more than enough reasons and justification to feel rage. If you or she want to BE angry and express it, I support you.