Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for validating all of that San. It is a sort of relief. I am still kind of in awe about how my M is handling all of this. Even this morning I message to ask something I needed to know and she was good and adult like still. It is a different feeling from our usual conversations. I am kind of hoping we will at least continue to have the adult conversations surrounding all of this.

For now I will try to enjoy the relief that comes with having the validation and support from her.  Not sure what to make of it in some moments but I am just choosing to accept whatever comes up.

Tomorrow is the day I get to chop my hair and I am stoked. It is a change I have really needed

Love you so much my dear :big hug:

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I hope you enjoyed having your hair done, and that you like the outcome.  I know you were excited about having it done, and I bet you look great.
to you.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks for remembering Hope! It went really well and I love the change 

[sanmagic7]

i love new hairstyles - i change mine a lot and it's always fun.  glad you're enjoying yours, el.

love and hugs always, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I love them too. I used to change mine more frequently when I had easy access to a built in stylist.. now that I don't my finances don't always allow it. Next thing I want is color but the cut feels like enough change right now. I lost about 8 inches off of my hair and it is great. It feels lighter and much more me. It fits well, still chin length so I have room to play but it suits me as a person better than the long hair did.

Anyways I feel like with the new adventure I am embarking on and all the change that has happened it is symbolic as well. Life changes so my hair needs to as well I guess lol 

Will post her about lots of thought later. I am still really working on taking in all of the good and positive that everyone is sending my way, and that even I am sending my way.  Everyone has so much faith in me, including me now. One of the people I admire and am having write some of my recommendations for grad programs told me last night that "you will be a phenomenal trauma-informed practitioner. That much is evident to me." It meant the world. She had kinder words even over a message thing morning.. I am just in awe still. This is someone that dedicates her life to survivors and to putting resources out there to help anyone current and in the future that needs a  hand. I look up to all that she does, and see her as a sort of mentor but also as a friend. It is just amazing.

I am still soaking in the acceptance from my M.. Hearing the good and validation from her still strikes me.

Then I am also starting to believe in myself. I am seeing the life this could give me and the change I am so capable of making in this world. I believe I am capable of making a difference, and that this is truly my path. This is what I am meant to be doing. That will shine through in my applications, I will get in somewhere and start on a new journey in the fall. I will then spend two years in school learning and growing so I can go on to practice and help people full time. I could be practicing on my own in less than three years.. I know that sounds like a long time but it feels really short when you look at all that has brought me to this place, and the amount of time I spent on my original degree.

Anyways there is so much positive. I am still working with the negatives but am using the positive to have a solid foundation from which to work and process.

[Deep Blue]

My heart is bursting for you my dear.  I'm so glad you are able to start seeing some of the wonderful things about yourself too!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you my dear I don't know yet what to do with all of it, but I am working on embracing it. Starting to have faith in myself and my abilities is a beautiful thing. I feel like I am starting to be ready to take on the world with such energy and passion. I don't feel like hiding anymore, and can truly say that I believe I have something worthwhile, and worth listening to. Shining bright and hopefully helping others see along the way.

Goodness, I am still almost brought to tears by all of this. Good tears of course, it is new feeling. One that feels like I am just authentically myself as I deserve to be. Always a journey more into that space but this all feels so true to who I am and what I believe. It gives me hope. I am always full of hope now, even in darker moments it comes out and helps those moments not be dark as long.

Anyways, I get excited and ramble because I am not sure how to process all of the good yet.

[sanmagic7]

i believe it is symbolically, historically, for women to cut their hair when a major change or realization comes along in their lives.  there was a vivid example of that in the movie 'legends of the fall'.

i don't have enough words to express how so very happy i am for you, my darling el.  all this good stuff you're getting from others (by the by, i totally agree with what that woman who wrote your recommendation said about you, your capability as a healer, and your belonging in the helping universe.   you will be amazing at it, of that i have no doubt.) is no less than you have ever deserved.

and the idea that you're beginning to be ok with it, embrace it, bring it in and believe it, believe in yourself - dang, honey pie.  it can only get better from here.  your past is becoming the stepping stone to your bright future.  who'd a thunk it?!

i'm bustin' my buttons with pride for you.  you are on your way, and the splash you're going to make will drown out any naysayers that had ever put you down as not good enough.   i can't say enough good things about what you've accomplished.  your light, el, shining brighter each day.  love and hugs, always.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you get the symbolism behind it as well. I have never seen that movie but will have to look it up. I can't  help but thing Mulan because I grew up on Disney and chopped my hair much the same. Anyways it is symbolic for me as much as it is just a good change.

Thank you for expressing your happiness for all of this, and for validating what she said to me. It is taking a lot of good coming in for me to start to believe all of this. The idea that I have always deserved this blows my mind, so thankf you for saying that. I need to work on believing that as well.

I hope the splash is big and glorious my dear. For now I would settle for just being able to be in the water and belonging. I think I will do more than that, but that in itself would be good.

Your kindness makes me smile, and truly warms my heart. It is so nice to see my hard work noticed and jut feel like someone see the authentic me  lots of love to you my dear

[Three Roses]

you are on your way, and the splash you're going to make will drown out any naysayers that had ever put you down as not good enough

I concur!  you're going to have so much compassion and wisdom to share. Well, you already do! 😉

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses that means a lot. I am glad to already have it, but am excited to have so much more. Both from my continued healing journey, and from learning in school what I need to be effective in helping others process. It is a thrilling prospect and I can't help but smile when I imagine that future for myself  Thank you for all the support!

[Three Roses]

You're quite welcome, you deserve it.

[Elphanigh]

I am learning to see that. Feeling deserving of all this good is still hit and miss. I think definitely gets into imposter syndrome, which I am working on. Fun little side effect of all this cptsd junk 

[Hope67]

I can't help but smile when I imagine that future for myself

Hi Elpha - I am smiling too -  and sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Haven't posted here in a bit, but lots has happened. Today I am sitting with ems today, here nurturing nature is exactly what I need today. Thankfully I have quiet and calm at home today, no loud noises or sudden outbursts which is what I need to keep in this somewhat okay space.

My inner two year old finally shared fragments of the memories, and the somatic feelings that go with that and also fill the gaps between what shattered bits I do have. It is awful stuff, nothing that surprises me but it hurts. It being more somatic than visual is the more difficult part for me today, I am used to emotional or visual, not normally so in touch with the physical sensations of it. This is very much in my physical body and will need some somatic releasing. I can see what Mondays sessions will be.

I am grateful that my t and one of my closest friends have validated this experience and told me they believe me when I asked, because I needed that today. I needed someone to say they believe me when I say that I have fragments and body memories from when I was around two. That I can feel them and know them.. not a linear and whole as the memories from when I was older experiencing similar abuse but they exist and are real. I needed to know someone could believe that. Without telling them what I was seeing or feeling because I was not ready for that. One day I will but not in this moment.

So I sit here grateful for everything that is moving and going well in my life, but also struggling with these pieces. It is a balance. I have spent most of my time under blankets with warm liquid and cats today, it helps. Slow and steady, trying not to push me or any of my younger parts