Scapegoat

Started by Snookiebookie, August 24, 2018, 06:15:04 AM

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Snookiebookie

OMG

I have just stumbled across this term: scapegoating.   It's a revelation.  It makes so much sense to me that this is what my family did to me!!

Does anyone else have experience of this? 

Following my mother's death and work I've done over the last few years,  this happens less often.  However,  how do I heal and recover from this.

Many thanks

Dee


After a lifetime of being scapegoated, with the encouragement and support of a therapist I've started to go NC.  I haven't talked to my sister in months and I've only talked to my mom twice in over a month.  For me, it was the only solution and I tried everything else.  I also have had to start calling my mom by her first name.  The word "mom" made me feel guilty and obligated.  Since the only motherly thing she did was give birth I needed to think of her in another way.

woodsgnome

Hey, Snookie, I just wanted to encourage you as you seek to get out from under your scapegoat status. I know the feeling only too well, and in spite of getting out of my immediate experiences of that miserable existence decades ago, there's still huge time chunks I seem to fall into unconsciously. That's how deep the scapegoat seeds were planted by parents, siblings, teachers, and clergy.

It's so bad it's almost like my psyche looks for something to feel guilty about; like I'm walking around with a sign: "Experienced Scapegoat Available!". The NC you've undertaken is a wise step, as is the re-framing of the mother referencing. Keep it up... :applause:  :thumbup:

Gromit

Hi Snookie,

I identify as the scapegoat too, and having gone VLC a long time ago am probably still blamed for the 'situation'.

It helps to try and look logically at stuff to actually identify if you are at fault in any way. I tend to immediately assume I am, or will be believed to be at fault. My OH doesn't help as he can talk in a blaming way, but I am trying to challenge that.

I am having CBT at the moment which is good for this, all about looking for the evidence which usually shows that things are not always your fault.

I also relish the idea of being a 'black sheep' as it sounds exciting. In foo's opinion that is probably what I am but I know I have done nothing wrong.
G

Blueberry

Hi Snookie,

I'm family (FOO) scapegoat too. Some other mbrs of FOO were sometimes in scapegoat role too, but the role they dumped on me was Ultimate Scapegoat.

How to heal and recover? As others mention, severely reduce contact (whether LC, VLC, NC). With time you may also notice other areas of your life (colleagues, friendships etc) where you have this role as well. If that's the case, beginning to change in these relationships goes some way to healing past stuff imo/ime.  Sometimes reading up on others' experiences can be helpful because then you can see in how many ways you ended up as SG, how much is a pattern. But only if those realisations don't knock you for six! My T also mentioned it's good to not repeat to yourself ad nauseam "I'm SG" but send this 'classification' back to sender so to speak or stick up an imaginary barrier and say "I'm not accepting that label". Along these lines: self-talk is beneficial so congratulate yourself when you step out of SG role. If you have contact with Inner Children, it's good to point it out to them too "Look! We're not acting like SG here! We really can stop."

I guess the main thing is working on getting back the feeling that you are in control of your life. Then nobody can make you a scapegoat. I'm still in the process of all this and it has been a long, difficult slog but I think some other mbrs here have been healing some of these aspects way faster. Good luck!